Lost Enough to Let Myself Be Led

Thanks to all of you who commented and sent encouragement. It has been a really tough couple of weeks - car wreck, Justin losing his job, and now the loss of the goats. Taza is right, though, if I had been asked to take them, knowing it would only be for a five weeks, I would have agreed. But my God, how do people who lose their kids survive? I thought I was pretty strong, but I seriously want to just sit alone and cry - I keep looking outside thinking I hear them, it is awful, like a nightmare I cannot come out of.

Today I just feel .... lost.

So I am doing the only thing I know - drinking from the well. I have long been a fan of Rich Mullins - he did a lot of work with the Navajo at Saint Michaels near Gallup - and it was his testimony about that place that led me to move there. ( Ironically, just the thought of going for my annual visit makes me feel better) There is a Rich Mullins song - heard it yesterday and I thought I would share the lyrics with you.

Hard to Get
Rich Mullins Psalm 77:7-13, Isaiah 53:4, Isaiah 55:8-9 Matthew 5:4, Matthew 6:11, Luke 22:41-45 Romans 7:18-19, Romans 7:24-25

You who live in heaven Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said

Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

May the road rise up to meet you, May His face shine down upon you and keep you safe.