Friday, July 29, 2005

Nuns ( stolen from Lora - I couldn't resist)

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable. They decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink. Patty had
recently added some special legs to his barstools which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley entered the bar through the front door with Father McGinty for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

What is Loner's Ridge?

I was thinking this morning that I have never posted about the name - why I chose it or why it is important.

Up north, I had a big garden in deep black soil. The house I lived in was in a flood plain and the creek had overflowed just enough to make the soil nearly black. I planted Lilliput zinnias that grew waist-high - everything that touched that soil grew like crazy, so an idea popped into my head. I would organic farm the half acre around the house, harvest the berries, raise some ducks to help with the bugs and produce some eggs and start my own home business with the results. I did some research into organic farming regulations, attended a couple of classes on marketing your homestead farm wares and decided to start. If things went well, I could work part time during the summers and spend more time with the kids.

We picked up the ducklings in March, before planting season up north. I started my seedlings and for Mothers' Day I received a beautiful rear tine tiller. If you have ever turned over half an acre of dirt with a shovel, you will recognize the beauty of the tiller. Everything was planted by mid-May and I had to come up with a name for my business. I was reading Diana Gabaldon's The fiery Cross (part of the Outlander series) and they lived on Frasier's Ridge - I liked the name so I called my business Loner's Ridge. It turned out to be a touchstone for the dream I had - a little homestead farm, big garden, ducks and dogs lounging in the sun - fresh berries, tomatoes right off the vine and can upon can of good things that I preserved myself.

When things started falling apart, not long after I got the seeds planted the second year - that dream died. I wasn't even allowed to harvest anything from my garden because the ex got a restraining order - of course I wasn't allowed to get my things from the house either. I had to sneak over onto the property and move my flock of ducks and then move my dog pen when he wasn't home. Luckily for me he was a two-bit no-good adulterer, busy trying to woo another poor soul - so he was gone often

I had been seeing Justin for three weeks when I started this blog. He had started one and suggested that I would like it. The loss of my dream still very fresh and raw - so I chose to change the idea around a bit and use the name for this spot. It has been a place to grow and vent and on occasion share some important things.

I have been toying with the moniker for the new place - since we are kind of on a Ridge there. I am not sure if we will have enough area - or enough cleared-sunny garden to ever sell what we grow locally. The blueberries are wonderful - and prolific - so they have some promise. No telling how the ducks will produce - though I think the goat milk sales will be sparse since I have to breed them to get milk - and the "ew gross" factor is pretty high. I have picked out a patch in the woods where several big trees have fallen, leaving a nice clearing with sun all day - that is where the garden will go next year after all the fallen trees are made into firewood. Hard to tell if the Ridge will ever become the name of a physical place - possibly the new house - maybe a vacation house in Durango - who knows. Just thought I should share a bit with you all and tell you the little story.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Shameless Marketing Plug for AoME

Our friends have just started a website for their group Arms of Middle Earth. I do not pretend to understand the nuances of all that this troupe does, but I do understand that the costuming and the traveling takes money - so in an effort to be at least minimally helpful, here is a link to their store. Enjoy and spend freely: http://www.cafepress.com/aome

Interestingly enough, Justin and Chris brainstormed this idea, and true to their nature, it is now a reality. The swag is funny - and a plus if you have a Lord of the Rings fan in your home. Posting is the least I can do - especially since Chris is the first man to kiss me after I became the Missus!

Football in the South

I grew up around football. That is no big secret - we talk about being a part of the team - picking up the fumble - windsprints - and a dozen other analogies in our daily lives. Weekends from August through January's Superbowl include football. Friday nights are the high school games, Saturday afternoon are the college games ( Purdue and UGA this year) as well as Jake's games. Saturday night will be Joshua's 8th grade game, then Sunday will be a pro game - Colts if I can get them because I love to watch Peyton Manning throw that ball. It is simply a work of art. But I am learning to love the Falcons, mostly because Michael Vick takes a hit and doesn't' play like a prima donna.

Yesterday morning, I was talking to some coworkers about the cost of playing football here - my point being that it is cost prohibitive - and therefore does not allow every child a chance to play. I think this is wrong - especially coming from a system in Indiana where the parents paid a fee under a hundred dollars and then the kids borrowed the school equipment. Every kid had a chance - there was camaraderie and it built school spirit.

This coworker went on and on about how I didn't understand football here, that it was life here. Whatever - she had no idea, nor was she prone to listen to my explanation that I knew all about balancing a life around football games. What I don't understand is a youth football league that limits who can play by making the fees and equipment so blasted expensive. It is wrong to take something that is so good for kids - like sports and belonging to a team - and make it into something that is only available if you have a lot of disposable income. We have spent over $600 on fees, physicals and full gear including specially ordered cleats. That is just wrong. We could barely afford it and we have two working parents!

I don't agree with the system, but it is what we have and I don't have to agree. Maybe there is something I can do to change it, but I can't imagine what that would be.

I am excited that the boys want to play - even though it is like hell on Earth with temperatures in the 90's. I will drive to two fields and basically stay in the car from 6 until 10:15 every night after working a full-time job because I think it is THAT important that the boys play - that they find a niche - that they learn how to function as a part of a team. Do I think they'll ever make any money from football - probably not, but that isn't the purpose anyway. Football, when taught correctly, teaches about enduring even when you are tired, getting up again even when someone knocks the wind out of you, picking up the ball when your teammate drops it even when that is "not your job", and being stronger than you ever thought you could be.

Monday, July 25, 2005

For Davey

You and I don't always agree - we don't always see eye to eye. Growing up I think each of us thought the other had an advantage - you envied my brains, I envied your athleticism. But each of us was complete in and of ourselves, but who knows that when they are children.

We have both struggled over the years, and it seems that finally my personal struggle is over. I have always struggled with feeling like I was not good enough - and you have struggled the same. Maybe it was being adopted - the knowledge that there was someone who was willing to give us up - or maybe it was obstacle after obstacle that seemed to interfere with the life we had planned out.

When I came to get you in March, I needed your help. I don't ask for help without really being in desperate need - and when you opted to make your own decision, rather that following my plan - I felt helpless and angry and frustrated. I never felt that I didn't love you anymore - or that I didn't want to talk to you anymore. But you hurt me, and I expected an apology.

But I forgot that things are different for you - that you have demons and difficulties I cannot even imagine - so waiting for an apology was selfish and I am ashamed of my own behavior. I know better- and I know that there are things which need to be said.

Who cares who was right - who cares who was hurt - these things are passed - and in the grand scheme of things my little bout of being pissed was probably good for us. We were both honest and that is always a good thing. What matters is our future - having someone always cheering for you in your corner - that is my job. I'm calling you today because frankly, it doesn't matter who did what, it only matters that you are the only brother I have - and I'm keeping you.
Called my brother - he didn't have much to say - only that he wondered how long it was going to take me to call. Guess Hell would have frozen over before I got an apology. Sometimes taking the high road really sucks.

Yep - It's a Monday

First off, my boss redeemed herself by offering to come over and help me if I was still backlogged today - so now I am back to my regular nonplussed self enjoying the job.

I am covering inpatient today and luckily for me the referral load is really light and I am getting a lot of my other piddly things done - updating spreadsheets, filling out peer reviews and working on an insulin sliding scale teaching sheet to send home with patients.

It was hot this weekend - yea, it was hot everywhere. I hated to even venture outside. Justin had to go out of town - for three - possibly four days. I hate it when he's gone because I keep waking up reaching for him and in my sleep I can't figure out where he is - then I wake up completely , look around and realize that he is gone. I hate that. And I am WAY too old to get by with only a couple of hours of sleep. Come home soon, baby.

Football has cost me about twice as much as I planned - hope it turns out to be fun for the boys - but geez equipment is so expensive. The boys are playing in two seperate school systems - so I will have to jockey between two fields for practice - I will be insane - in need of Valium in a couple of weeks, so expect the decline of my ability to function over the next few weeks.

The highbush blueberries are just ripening at an amazing pace - certainly earning their keep in the yard - all the rest of my gardens look like - well they don't look like gardens that's for sure. I spent about two hours pulling weeds - and it still isn't enough. The ducklings have developed an uncanny ability to empty their water before I even close their pen - driving me absolutely crazy with the constant peeping noise - but at least they recognize who their momma is. I am going to have to get the bigger pen repaired - the one the girls smashed - so these ducklings have more room.

Saturday I got the iron chair set that came from Alison's painted - found a copper paint that really looks great with the reddish deck. I'll take some pictures. Also got my compost pile started - plenty of leaves still in the yard, so this will be an ongoing project. The wash is all done - not folded - but I did manage to get some bookshelves moved and unpack some boxes from Justin's house.

I am tired of the constancy of moving - seems like we have been in some state of disarray since September of last year and that it just hasn't stopped. Of course this too shall pass, but our schedules are making it difficult to get things done in a timely manner.

So it's Monday and I have some other deeper thoughts but I am reserving them for after lunch.

Hope you're having a good one!

Friday, July 22, 2005

Haagen Dasz

I have now figured out where the extra five pounds came from...

But my day is over, the ice cream is gone and I am back to my much more level headed self.

Damn hormones...needed chocolate - AND ice cream.

Have a great weekend folks - I'm off to the land of football practice in 90 degree weather!

Working sucks

FUCK!!!! ( sorry mom, it just fell out of my mouth) I am so frustrated with my job that I could freaking scream!!!!

In the last week, I have been slammed - back to back patients for two weeks in a row - class upon class. Each time I make a decision about how to handle something my boss lady - who told me she doesn't micromanage - has to shoot me a pile of e-mails or call me. I am SO tired of all of this. Last week I got sent to the satellite hospital which is 30 minutes away - had to leave at 4:15 instead of 4:30 - got in trouble even though I saw twice as many patients as they expected me to. My beeper fell out of my pocket in the rush and when they beeped me, I didn't answer - but that explanation wasn't good enough - now I need to call my boss if I have to leave 10 minutes early - WTF!!! I am salaried - so when I came in at 7:15 this morning to get caught up - I didn't bother to tell her - now I'm sending an e-mail.

I don't mind working hard - but slamming me all the time, then being upset that I am behind is just not fair. I am the first to volunteer to help out - putting myself behind, then I come early to get caught up - and instead of being appreciative, I get flack. Too old and too laden with other things at home to have a job that is going to stress me out. I am working now in my dreams - four nights in a row.

I hope that things lighten up - I don't want to go - but I work so that I can afford to live - not live to work and when things start to feel otherwise, it's time to re-evaluate my job.

Today, I posted my resume. I cannot take it anymore. I love seeing patients but the constant picking is more that I can handle - and frankly, I've been a nurse for 11 years - I don't have to take it if I don't want to.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

La la la la la la la la la la la la




In other happy news, The Smurfs - who by the way got a lot of screen time in our household when said daughter was a bitty girl, are getting a 3-D movie!!! And to those of you who now have the song stuck in your head- I forgot it was contagious.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY


Today is my Daughter's 18th birthday!
WOOHOO!!

As of today, she has survived 18 years with me, an unbelieveble number of moves from one better job to another, couple of divorces, multitude of animals - and now as she approaches her graduation in December, we get ready to begin her own adventure.

Things I love about this girl:
1. She loves to color her hair- and sometimes mine
2. She has a healthy sense of humor and can laugh at herself
3. She isn't prideful or boastful
4. She genuinely cares about people
5. She has a big heart
6. She doesn't know she's beautiful
7. She tells me when my outfit has gone terribly wrong
8. She is honest with me - as honest as she can be
9. She gives second chances
10. She is loyal and kind to her friends
11. She is adventurous - beauty school, basketball, track- you name it
12. She brought joy to my life like I never imagined
13. She was a giggley baby
14. She made me into an adult - saving me from myself
15. She makes friends easily
16. She is open-minded, seeing the best in people
17. She is willing to help
18 She has an orange and pink bedroom - because she could
19 She is a dreamer
20 She is intelligent, but doesn't let that get in the way of common sense
21. She keeps herself close to family, close to God
22. She doesn't blame me for the way our lives have gone
23. She is willing to try again to have a mom and dad family with Justin
24. She loves QVC, Home Shopping and The Food Network
25. She just keeps trying, dusts herself off and tries again

Jerra is everything a mother would want in a child, and for the past eighteen years I have been blessed to be her mother. Cannot express the amount of joy and laughter she has brought to my life. I have been given a gift above anything I ever deserved.
Happy Birthday, Baby girl!

For my Husband

The days go by too quickly
Seems like there is more to do
Than there are hours in the day

Work deadlines and dishes
Ducks and dogs and football
and puppy school and moving

Sorting and Goodwill and doctors
family to visit, birthdays, weekends
and never enough time

For playing hookey from work
For sleeping in until noon, beer for lunch
For newlywed syndrome

The hours are filled with
a hundred other things to do
But all I really want

Is to take the day off - suspend time
and drink in your blue eyes
and feel your soft breath on my cheeks.

This season will pass
and sooner than we think
things will slow down for us

and there will be mornings without
multitudes of responsibilities
stealing away love's precious time.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Built Different

The other night we were taking a moment to relax when my new husband points out that I have a lot of projects planned for the house. Actually , that I have plans for things to work on that will cover then next ten years ( oh, he underestimates me a bit - easily the next 25 years!) He says that he wants to come home to a house that is mostly done, put his stuff down and relax. While I understand this is his desire - I don't want to do that at all. And it makes me wonder about how I am built.

Over the past few months, I have watched my dad struggle with fatigue from chemotherapy and cancer. Of all the symptoms, it seems to have been the most difficult for him - because it interfered with his ability to work - making him unable to work as he would have liked. I am built like him - with that compulsion to work. Unfortunately, we are just like Matilda, the new pup - built for work and even when not on the job, the brain keeps working.

When I see the house, or walk through the yard, I see possibilities - where a pond could go, how the porch from our French doors can wrap around the corner, a path through the woods with a couple of benches and a little shed filled with books and wind chimes for sitting quietly. A new house offers so many possibilities - and ours is unpretentious, comfortable, beckoning you to come and sit awhile on the porch overlooking the ducks and the currently soggy yard.

These possibilities to him seem like more work - to me they are a way to make the house mine - to convert it from a currently overgrown and careworn spot into a paradise where our grandkids will play. I envision the ducks swimming in the pond like the ones in Sweden at Skansen, I envision sitting on our new porch , right outside the bedroom, watching the stars go by - or reading the Sunday paper soaking up the sunshine. I think about that path and the magical beauty of walking through the woods - able to see where we are walking so that we can avoid the snakes the creek seems to be so famous for. And the little shed - I picture the two of us escaping to read a book and sit quietly, listening only to the wind in the chimes, while we drift away absorbed in the story.

I'm built differently - I see the work that needs to be done and it is exciting and thrilling to see a project come to fruition. Working on projects allows me to feel like I am leaving my mark, doing something to improve the world during the little while I am here. Just like the gardeners before me who planted and cut, I am compelled to shape that space into something marvelous. Someday someone else will live in my house and tend my yard and marvel at the flowers that seem to pop out of no where, filled with the same joy I have had this year.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Our family in Sweden



This first picture is of two family members from Sweden, Johanna on the left is the sister-in-law of Lina on the right. The first time I heard about Lina was my husbands account that she was one of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen- and he was right- charming girl. Lina's dad is a pediatrician and knows how to dance to ABBA. Girls that look like this - beautiful and buxom - are the reason I accompanied my new husband to Sweden. Never in my life have I seen so many beautiful people in one place.






The second picture is of the whole clan - we are in the back - but you don't want to see us anyway. The girl in the grey T-shirt is the same age as I am - she has four boys and doesn't look a day over 25. Fortunatley she has the sweetest dispostion I have ever seen - so I cannot dislike her for her inherent good looks. Darn it. The grown-up women all wore those great sunhats - like you see women here wear with Sunday church outfits. They were just too cute. Picture was taken in Gamleby, on Steve and Micey's porch, overlooking an inlet to the Baltic Sea.

Cowardly venting

I really should have more fortitude and for once - well twice - in my life I should stand up to this man - but he just PISSES me off to no end and I don't think I would like what comes from my mouth.

Today I received an e-mail from a non-custodial parent who shall remaining nameless because I love my son. Anyway, this person is now remarried and has a new family. He left - not me - and left while I was 8 months pregnant. I was never good enough - whatever. I remember clearly my daughter saying that we should never let another man into our house after he was gone. She was 9. I have my reasons for bitterness, but time and time again I have tried to be kind to him. I drive whenever possible for visitation, I reduced the child support to a fair level when I realized how much of his check was coming to me, I say only nice things about him and his family in front of my son, I try to be polite even when he is being ridiculous.

This summer, I drove 9 hours, dropped the son off at his house for five weeks and discussed in several e-mails that he would need to drop the child off with my parents in the week preceding the Fourth of July weekend so that we didn't have to stop in Indy on the way home. It was both as a time-saver since we were driving two cars back - and to enable my folks to have a couple of days with all three kids. This is not asking much since I have made four trips to Indiana - he has made 0 here, despite the offer to cover a hotel for his family over the holidays.

I have apologized for our situation, it was not my idea of a good time to uproot the family, go broke and jobless, leave all of our friends,lose half my stuff and end up in the South. But that is what happened. I made the best of it, God has blessed us unreasonably and I am not arguing with him. Continually blaming me for taking the child to another state is not helping mend anything.Prominsing him over the phone that you are sending his birthday present - then never sending it - shitty thing to do to a kid - I bought a video game and told him it was from his father - it wasn't but I didn't want him to feel forgotten. He called to tell his dad thanks - I never got a thank you or go to hell - anything from the dad. Allowing his wife to yell that I am a bitch repeatedly in the background while we have a conversation doesn't' spread any goodwill. Telling me that it is fine to make arrangements with my folks ( something we have done before) and then complaining about it - childish. Telling me that I cannot use the insurance you have for him - when mine had lapsed - because you think it will raise your insurance bill ( WTF???) so that I had to pay $650 in prescriptions over two months while not employed- hell, that ought to get him father of the year. They are prescriptions you idiot - he has to have them, you know EPILEPSY??? Geez, wake up.

I have spent nearly ten years raising the child alone because he left - and it has not been easy - there was brain surgery, hundreds of neurological tests, prescriptions, ADHD, teacher conferences every quarter, and an unbelievable number of little things that go on when you manage a child with neurological problems. I am thankful for every moment I have with him - he is a joy - but I am tired of the complaining. Truth is that if you want to be involved in every aspect of your child's day to day life - you should stay with his mother. I'm doing what I can to make the child accessible - and he is just complaining.

Loner rule- Don't complain and whine about something unless you have a solution for me or an alternative plan. I don't have time for whining - I have three kids, full time job, house, husband and an array of pets that require my time. I am so done with this. A part of me wanted to e-mail back and just tell him that would be the last time I drop off - that from now on he can make the trip here - tried that in Arizona, he came out once in two years.

And as I try to get the red out of my cheeks before I scare the crap out of my patients - I remember why I am so glad he left - so glad I didn't waste the rest of my life with someone who constantly finds ways to be as nasty as he can. So to the blogland I'll vent - hey buddy, you don't deserve your son - you need to stop disrespecting his mother - Bite me big fella.

Friday, July 15, 2005

slacking

I just realized in paging down that I have not posted any pictures of the new goats - or of the ducklings so that you can see them.

Ripley got moved into the "big pen" outside - she is doing well - towering over Flopsy and the Pekin - I'll drop my film and get you some more pictures. Have a great weekend!

Yes, I know it's none of my business

Have you ever had a friend that you are just dying to be totally honest with? I have a girlfriend who is in a relationship with someone who is sucking the life out of her - honestly, I have seen it take its toll every year. I have another friend who had to decide between what is and what could be. A part of me wishes I could give both of them what courage I have and help them along a new path. But we can't make other peoples lives the way we want them. The maternal instinct pushes me to try to help soothe the hurt and fix it. I know from my own experience that broken hearts mend, but the scarring from years lived with someone who doesn't help you grow can be so deep. I have someone who truly loves me, and there are still moments were I react to him disproportionately because of an old and deep scar. I guess only he can decide if dancing around my scars is worth it for him. I have to remember that abuse is a part of my story and of course taints my perception of what goes on in my friends' lives.

I wonder what kind of person I am professing to being if I don't encourage someone to make the most of their marriage - if I encourage them to look at other options. I don't believe in divorce - but apparently I have added my own caveat: unless there is abuse or adultery.

Sometimes there are things that just cannot be fixed. Physical abuse is so easy to see - it is the emotional abuse - the name calling, lack of physical intimacy, disparaging comments and the control over even trivial aspects life that are much more difficult to discern.

Both of these women are in my thoughts today. Reading notes from them over the past week has just made me cry at the difficulties they face. It is just so sad to see people with tender hearts struggle so much - and feel like they have so few choices. And all I can really do is offer a prayer and an ear to listen while I hope they find the answers they need.

Courage and Strength don't come from assessing your own abilities, they come from taking risks and proving to yourself that you can do it despite your abilities.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Down the Path of Mushiness

It was this time last year - almost a year exactly, when I first heard those three little words over the phone. I was so confused - so incredibly scared to believe what I thought I saw in Justin. I cannot get over the miracle in finding someone - I don't care if people overuse the soul mate term - or don't believe in true love. Come to my house and see it in action - it is real, it does exist and it is more wonderous than words can convey. Love molds into the person we have always wanted to be. In looking back as last years blogs - I thought I would share this with you all. Okay - it's mushy but I'm a newlywed still, gimme a break.

Amazed
Do you ever wake up in the morning and just feel all refreshed like there was some delicious dream that has changed your life? I had the revelation during last night's conversation that things have changed and my perception has shifted. I was amazed out of a foggy sleepiness with the idea that all along things have been the same for both of us - all those moments that I reach for you before I wake up, you have been having too. I was ruling out chemistry, lonliness, diversion, sexual attraction, boredom, and a host of other possible reasons why I cannot stop thinking about you - seriously cannot stop thinking about you, I get about an hour's work done, and there you are again. It is you I miss - not the rush of hormones - though I will not deny that I enjoy that - it is the small intimacies during the day- waking up in the morning, getting out of the shower, sitting down at dinner, talking about work - when I wish you were here. A part of me wants to put everything in my life on hold until you can get here so that you don't miss it.

Over the weekend I told you I am not afraid - I will not live my life in fear - and what have I to fear from you - that you will change your mind? That you won't want to deal with some aspect of my life? That it will be too difficult to be apart or together? I was serious when I said I was not foolish enough to lose you without a fight. Even if the day comes that you decide this is not what you want, I will be forever changed by the tenderness you have shown me - by your concern, by your gentle words when I really needed them. I am not going to worry about any of those things anymore, I am just going to enjoy the amazing entity we have found in one another.

You asked me if I was willing to deal with you not knowing what you want - well why not - I am not sure what I want either - not sure where my path will go - but I know that when I think about my future - you are in it. Every time I talk to you, I fall in love with you all over again. I strengthen my resolve to put up barriers, keep my heart safe, then you speak in the quiet soothing tone, like chocolate melting, the sweetness infusing the words. And that is it for me - the defenses tumble wildly and all I want is to touch you, to caress your face, and feel the intimacy of breathing again. I have not forgotten my other responsibilities, I like how I am with you and somehow you make me better at all the things I do - including being a mother.
Watch the end of French Kiss - I want you - that is all - I want you...

down memory lane


I did something last year that now I can admit to - especially since it was so out of character.

I called up Justin's best friend -after looking up their number online
Mrs: Hello, this is the ___ residence
Me: Hi, this is Stace, I'm a friend of Justins
Mrs: Oh, yes! We've heard all about you
Me: Well I know this sounds a little wierd, but is Justin still coming over for dinner on Friday?
Mrs. Yes, as far as I know
Me: well, not to sound like a stalker, but I have vacation time to use and I'd like to come down and surprise him - maybe join you all for dinner
Mrs: That is a great idea - and she helped plan the surprise.

She proceeded to give me the address and I planned my getaway.
Friday morning came, and I sent him a note saying I just needed a bit of time to rest and would be unavailable for awhile - then I took off on my adventure.
I was due there at 7 - but I didn't know about the traffic - man what a mess. I got there late, after having to tell a white lie to Justin when he asked where I was - I had to say just driving around instead of Chattanooga.

When I got there I sent him a text message to open the front door - he called me on the cell - I said I'm here - open the door. That was a great moment - and luckily he took it as a compliment.

So as I was thinking about it this morning - thanks to Chris and Mel for accomodating me and for a dozen other things over the past year. This is a picture from that night - the munchkin is theirs - and the beer was empty already when he took the bottle!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Waiting

The day begins and I pry myself from your bed
The scent of you still lingers on your pillow

The day has dawned and my jobs begin - mother
Caregiver farmer nurse- controlling my existance

There are goats waiting for sweet feed, ducks demanding
scratch grains and water- everyone needs more water

I let out the dogs and the scent of your soap drifts out of
The open bathroom window where I hear the water from your shower

But there are dogs to feed - I resist the urge to come back inside
wanting only to touch your face and steal a moment before you go

My feet wet from the dew in the grass, I pick up toys carry them in
Thinking to myself there will be time for us later, have to wait

There are patients to see, dinner to cook, groceries to buy
washing, cleaning, folding, wiping and cajoling munchkins to bed

The day finally draws to a close, my body is tired from labor
My senses start to come back - the wild part of my self awakening

Waiting to just be a woman again - for a moment of freedom
There is rejuvenation in your touch - filling up my reserves

Then you are home and in my arms - I can finally breathe
Air floods my lungs, and my senses are heightened

But there are still distractions, and your mind needs more time to wind down
Work and politics and family and friends steal away the time

And I fall asleep, still waiting, fighting exhaustion and sleep as long as I can
Hoping to taste your kiss once more before my dreams begin

The Clampets

Yesterday the cable guy came to our house. Unfortunately, I did not realize that two of my children stayed up all night watching movies - so my assumption that an 11 o'clock installation time would be fine - was incorrect.
I called the house at 11 - only to find that my daughter was still sleeping - I asked Jake to wake her - she wasn't thrilled about getting up, but she did. I told her that she might want to get ready in case the cable guy got there in the next few minutes. My warning was not heeded.

Here is what she told me last night:
J: Mom, I think the cable guy called us the Clampets
Me: Are you serious, he just came out and said that?
J: No. First he said y'all kind of live out in the boonies don't you. And I answered yea kind of. And thought I guess this is the boonies -if you ignore that Publix is about a mile away, but okay.

Then the dogs were all in - and then the boys were fighting over something in the basement while he was trying to hook up that TV. When he came back upstairs, passing the duck cage and the frogs and the parakeets - he said something about y'all have a lot of animals don't you. Like a farm or something here.

Well, at least I didn't have possum simmering on the stove.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Cable

I moved here in September of last year - first into Justin's place - then into our place. Other than a few nights where we stayed at hotels while traveling with the family - we have not had cable.

Apparently you can get two channels here without the cable - but I sure haven't seen them. PBs had pictures of one thing but the soundtrack of something else - the other channel was jut snow and noise - thanks but I'll pass.

So today, the cable guy is coming to the new house - between 11 and 2 sometime - and we will have cable!!!

Now I can resume my torrid affair with Emeril Lagasse - and the Food Network. I can relish the adventures of Steve Erwin on Animal Planet, see what Martha Stewart is up to, and see what wonders I have missed for the last 10 months on the Discovery Channel.

Oh my gosh - this is almost as good as Christmas! And now have I proclaimed to the world just what a big dork I am!!!

Monday, July 11, 2005

Welcome...

About five years ago, I took the kids out to Arizona to work on the Navajo Reservation as a field nurse. It was a dream job - still the best place I have ever worked, though I have loved a lot of other places.

The first week I was there, I met Steph. She lived across the street in the little cul de sac where we joked that they kept all the white folks. She was a clinic nurse - so we worked in the same building and saw many of the same patients.

WE became fast friends - mostly because her quick sense of humor allowed my kids to cross boundaries and still make her smile. A particular event - where Jacob found her door open, then walked through the house until he found her in the shower - and asked if he could have a popsicle. She didn't miss a beat and told him there were some in the freezer - and that he needed to close the door behind him. Jacob was four at the time - and she didn't get mad at his invasion.

luckily for me, she was my buddy while we were there - often making the trek with me to Durango or Flagstaff or the dreaded Gallup Wal-Mart trip.

After I moved back to Indiana - I really missed the ability to just hang out at her place - or have her hang out at mine - but nothing we could do about that.

Then about two years ago she met a man - a really great man - and she had the sense to marry him. Changing my life forever was the invitation for me to be a bridesmaid. She is in her 30s - he in his 40s and both have had a run of bad luck in romance - so their wedding represented possibilities - and the fact that true love exists. They were great to watch - both before and after the wedding - because they hardly noticed anyone else in the room. Nothing more beautiful than two people who really love one another. Apparently it was contagious - because I married the man I met there - something to say about her taste in men- it ain't half bad!

She has waited a long time to be a mom - practicing on my kids- how could she not, they gave her a lot of opportunity! Now Steph and Mark are expecting - and I just couldn't' be happier for her. She's gonna be a great mommy. She sent me a picture today of the little one - waving her hand hello to us - ultrasounds are wonderful aren't they.

Hi Baby girl - can't wait to see you in person -love your aunt-to-be.

Waltzing Matilda

This was a long weekend - emotionally draining.

I knew on Saturday we were going to have to take the girls either to a rescue or to the Humane Society - which has a no-kill shelter. In preparation for this, I decided about two weeks ago that it would be a fair trade to adopt a pup that is a hearding breed. Enter in Petfinder - and the search was on. It ticks me off that they don't keep the site updated - but it is better than trying to hit all the shelters. By Thursday night, we had a couple of shelter pups picked out - and I had put in an application for a pup that was in rescue - but hadn't heard back yet. I sent off yet another e-mail Friday morning and was pleased with the response that we would be getting the pup.

So off to PetSmart - where we waited until she was delivered. Stood by the door for about half an hour - and the moment I decided to look for a chair - she came up the driveway. The picture on line was good - but she was beautiful in person. Nothing can wipe away the pain of having to give back pups that you thought would be a part of the family - but this girl is good medicine.

Justin has named her Matilda - she is a Border Collie Australian Shepherd cross - definitely a herder

Friday night we took the crew out for Italian for a birthday celebration. Food was great - and it was a fun dinner. Friday late I tried to stay awake to watch Hostage with Bruce Willis - but didn't make it through. Darn it.

Then came Saturday morning. I have exhausted every avenue of rescue groups for the girls - made dozens of calls - everyone is full - no one could help. So we were forced to the Humane Society. I took them, alone, in the early morning before everyone else was awake - and I cried alone on the way home, no way to fix that bleeding spot. It was the right thing to do - I cannot live in fear every time I leave the house - fearful that I will come home and find death again.

Enough about that.

Sunday was a multiple birthday party/father's day - wonderful party with the extended family - more about that later -

Hope Hurricane Dennis doesn't flood you out - he is threatening us wiht more rain and my yard looks like a river.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Happy Birthday, Baby


Today my middle son is fourteen - I cannot possibly be old enough for kids this age.

Over the past six months, I have seen him start to transform form a child into a man. His shoulders are broader, his voice is deeper, his legs are longer, the moptop is still attractive - darn it.

funny how when they are little you want them to grow up just a bit - but now, I want it to slow down. I remember that he was my rationale for never male-bashing - I certainly can't say mean things about men if I am busy trying to raise one, now can I.

And there are moments where I see the man he will become - hopefully with the current trend of profanity removed. He works hard, he helps out, he worries about others - and he has faults just like the rest of us, but he has the makings of a man a mother can brag about.

So here's to you moptop - my favorite moptop on the planet. Thanks for bringing fourteen years of joy to my heart.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

London on my mind

This morning I called Justin to let him know I was on the way to get ducks. I had a mostly sleepless night - just that uneasy feeling that all was not well with the world. He relayed to me that there had been bombings in London. My heart just sank.

Maybe it is from being a mother - or maybe having watched people suffer at the hospital - but stuff like this really sends me reeling.

All I can say is to the assholes who did this, supposedly another Al Quaida group - you suck, you are living by the sword and will hoepfully die painfully by the sword - and you won't win. Each time these things happen, resolve is strengthened. My personal prayer is that I am not behind you in line come Judgement Day 'cause I don't want to get hit with any sparks when God hands down your penalty. It's gonna hurt. What cowards to bomb innocent people to make a point. Try taking out a freaking ad - or publishing a book - or finding a charismatic speaker to get your point across -only idiots attack innocent people.

To all of those in London - especially those who were there in the attacks - those who lost loved ones - and those who will lose sleep tonight - my heart and my prayers go out to you.

Ducks in a box - new addition




The pictures are as follows: upper left blue runner ducks - upper middle black runners - upper right chocolate runners and lower left buff orphingtons -who will be bigger ducks like Pekin is.

This morning I got the call while feeding the dogs: "Uh this is the post office. We have a package that has the city and your name, but no delivery address. It says we are to call you for pick-up. The box has some kind of birds or something. I hope someone actually lives at this number. Could you please call and come get the box, they are pretty loud."

So of course I call back, and race over to the post office, then call my office to say I'll be late. But I have to teach a gestational diabetes class this morning - so I don't have time to go back home. We decide to drop the ducks off in our spare classroom and then I can drop them home at lunch. So now I have a printer paper box with 14 ducks - there was a bit of confusion and we are missing one. They are happily peeping on the overhead projector - because that was the closest thing I have to a heat lamp - drinking water - trying to climb out -awaiting the trip home at lunch. This pic is what they look like - they are about 24 hours old- geez they're cute!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Storytelling

Sometimes the things that happened long ago happen again, as history is bound to repeat itself.

There was once fisherman who lived by the sea. He was very lonely and wanted a wife, but could not find one to suit him. Each day, he would go out fishing, sailing the boat close to shore. There came a day when the fishing was good, and time got away from him, forcing him to navigate back home as the sun sunk lower in the sky. The land looked unfamiliar - and he set his sights keenly on the shores to try to figure out his location.

The sea was calm and the night was clear. He saw on a rocky crag a glint of light from the rising moon. Then another and another until it looked like a whirl of stars upon the shore. Intrigued, he sailed over closer. In the dusk he could see bodies dancing - they were women's bodies - glistening in joyfully naked in the pale moonlight. He watched, as a man in search of a wife might watch -as the dance continued. What wild creatures must this be, he thought to himself, surely I must have one for my wife. Just as this thought crossed his mind he saw a pile of seal skins over near the shore. He tied up the boat and crept over and took one of the skins.

As the night drew on, the dancing continued until the first rays of dawn. The women, coming to the pile of skins, drew them on and became seals again, sliding like water themselves back into the sea. Until there was one woman left without a pelt. He approached her, carrying her pelt, saying that he loved her and wanted her for his wife. She begged for the pelt back, but he insisted that she come with him and be his wife. He had a kind face, and she felt something -for him, so she agreed that she would be his wife for seven years. Then if she chose to stay, she could, but he had to give the pelt back.

A woman's heart is a deep and complicated thing. In time she grew to love the fisherman and she gave him a son. The boy was marvelous and funny and she loved when he wrapped his arms around her neck and kissed her. The two of them would walk to the sea, inexplicably drawn. Her son knew that she was sad, but was too young to understand why.

As the years passed, and the time drew closer to give back the skin, the fisherman became more withdrawn and distant - pushing away the very wife he had strived to keep. The end of the seven years came - uneventfully. The woman knew that staying with the fisherman, in spite of how much she adored the son, would be the end of her. She could see the light going out from her own dark eyes, could feel the passage of time in her limbs and every night now she dreamed of the sea.

Another year passed, and her body continued to wither - as much from being out of the sea as withering from neglect. The fisherman no longer touched her as he once had, no longer kissed her nose or held her tight against the cold nights. She knew she was dying, so she confronted the fisherman. He had promised to cherish her and return her life to her, but when the moment came, he refused, saying she belonged to him and that she could never leave. And she wondered herself where she would go.

The boy overheard the conversation, and frustrated by his father's stubbornness, he went to the shoreline to think. Near the nets he saw a box which he broke open. There inside was a lovely pelt - dark and lustrous. He knew his mother loved him, and knew she wouldn't leave unless he helped her. Mothers are that way, they worry so much about their young that they forget themselves. He hid the pelt near a boulder at the shore and ran to get his mother. "Come let the sea comfort you", he told her.

When he brought her there, he could tell she had been crying. He handed her the pelt, made her promise to put it on and disappear into the sea. She held him close, smelling the scent of his hair, touching his sweet face, then she slipped into the pelt and back into the sea. The boy swam after her, finding himself buoyed by the other seals who had been waiting for her return.

As the water rushed over her, she began to heal, began to feel like herself again. She regained her strength and her will to live. Her father came to her and healed her wounds. He blessed the boy, giving him strength to live in the sea - he was part Selkie after all.

The boy eventually went back to land, but she was with him, or he with her and they were happy for the rest of her days. The boy lives in a little place by the sea, and has been known to sit for hours on a boulder by the sea talking to a Selkie and watching the seals frolic in the waves.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Nesting

Short post this morning -
Got the goats - though of course there is a story along with it - they were grazing happily in the pen this morning when I left for work

got the kids - my kids that is - and they were sleeping when I left - making it really difficult to head off to work.

The ducks mucked up the bathtubs - but did fine over the weekend. Ripley is getting in her flight feathers - I'll have to take a picture so you can see it. Duck adolescence - kind of weird.

And I finished the rabbit hutch that we will use for the ducklings who will probably arrive tomorrow or Thursday.

It poured here - so fireworks tonight instead - woo hoo.

And we have two dogs still in need of a home - more on that later.

Hope y'all had a great holiday weekend!

Friday, July 01, 2005

Finally


The top picture is my girl - though the pic doesn't do her justice.
The bottom picture is of the boys, Justin and I in Chinle last November.

I'm going to get my kids tonight!!!!! All other news pales in comparison.

Honeymooning is great - but five weeks is way too long to go without kids!!!!! My house is way too quiet - cannot take the sound of silence any longer!!!
So by tomorrow night I will be able to hug them and and drive them crazy kissing their noggins!

Okay - I feel better - back to work.


Botany photo of the day

Happy Canada Day to my friends up there!

This completely exposes my love for biology -oh wait, I have already done that. Anyway, on my Yahoo! I have the botany photo of the day. If you are so inclined here is the link.

Also to share, a blog that AC directed me to is about a scientist who explores the Carolinas - she has great shots of animals and plants - really has a knack for a good picture.


Okay, done geeking for a bit.