TMI WARNING - Intimacy and sex

I lost my virginity early - too early as a matter of fact. The age is not important, but what does have bearing is that from a very young age how I felt about my body and myself as a person was tied into someone else's opinion. I didn't understand it then - but I allowed that to happen

I have been thinking a lot about intimacy and sex of late and some things my dad and I talked about - unfortunately working through some of my own issues that I thought were long gone. I hope that by writing some things down, it will help me get them purged.

Sex changes the way you view yourself - and the way you view the other person. There is and intimate knowledge of a part of each other that we don't commonly share with the outside world. The body makes promises - whether our mouths say those things or not. Coupling and kissing and holding each other - they are private intimate things - and though we may choose to ignore the emotional aspects going on - it doesn't mean that they aren't still going on. There is an attachment that increases as time together increases - becoming attuned to one another, listening for changes in breath, the flush of the cheeks, the facial expression - all of these things are designed to bring people close during love making.

Put in the wrong context - this sense of attachment can do a lot of damage to the psyche - causing mistrust down the line. If you've ever had someone use you for sex, saying what they thought you wanted to hear, leading you, cajoling you - and then moving onto their next target, you can identify with the damage that can do. I'm not saying it has to be permanent damage - but it takes time to heal the wounds left by predators, male and female alike.

In changing the view of the self, lots of areas are affected. Body image is the first one that comes to mind. Comments made about things we cannot change can leave lingering scars and cause people to feel self-conscious. We have this running internal dialogue which can alter how we perceive ourselves. Mine changed, diminishing my own value. At first, I felt guilt, especially when my boyfriend didn't last and we didn't get married and live happily ever after right out of high school. Then I met someone I truly loved - and didn't sleep with. He left for someone else who put out. Maybe it was the combination of factors, but how I viewed myself was changing - and it wasn't good. After my daughter was born, I remembered the words of her father - that were proved true time after time - no one will want you with someone else's child. And each time I told someone about my child and they ran, it made that nonsense seem true.

When someone finally did show interest, I was careful and tried to keep them - even if I should have weeded them out as bad candidates. I settled - after all I had been in love once - that kind of love wasn't bound to happen again - so I would have to do the best I could.

What I bought into as liberation in retrospect really was selling myself short. Thinking that sexual freedom would enrich my life. Well - duh - what it actually did was reduce my view of myself to nothing more than animal - prowling to have needs fulfilled. Ridiculous in retrospect - and if someone had called me out on it - I would have denied it.

Being intimate too soon in a relationship is also problematic. We confuse sex with love, something even science is finding are two different things. Intimacy hides things - arguments are resolved by kissing and making up - rather than the harder version of talking things out. There are one-sided assumptions about fidelity and where the relationship is headed - if anywhere. Emotions run high and criticisms strike much deeper. It is possible that the false intimacy of sex can lead you to a day when someone says " I love you" and you realize they don't really know you at all.

I think the worst thing about false intimacy is that it can easily be confused and misinterpreted. False intimacy can come with sex - leading a person to feel close for a time, but then horribly distant later. Sex is not the same thing as emotional intimacy - but many people struggle trying to differentiate between the two. True that people often stop having sex as their marriages fail - but the converse is also true - there are people with terrible marriages who still have a good sex life. Emotional abusers do that, they cut off all physical contact - and that in turn reinforces negative feelings about the body. Nothing worse than to have someone who used to touch you decide that they don't like you anymore and that they never want to touch you again.

I have learned that there is no one right way to be intimate - holding hands at dinner, sharing popcorn at the movie, touching toes while sleeping - all of these things are intimacies that are just as important as sex. Being able to just sit together in silence - without the expectation of anything else - just sitting and breathing - that is a mind-blower. There is no right way to perform, no right thing to do, not best body formation, no right age (past the age of consent) - every body is different, and paying attention is the only way to know you are doing it right.

I am not sure how much of the past I would change - especially since it has taken me here. I am astounded at the differences in being married to the right man - how making love can touch your very soul - how much closer I can feel to someone - even when sex isn't on the menu - and how much more beautiful I can feel in the arms of someone who loves me regardless of how I look.