A year and a half of living dangerously

"To truly heal we must say our truth, and not only our regret and pain, but also what harm was caused, what anger, what disgust, and also what desire for self-punishment or vengeance was evoked in us."

From Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Someone asked me why things were different with Justin - why after years of failed and sadly unhealthy relationships, this one worked. Two words - no bullshit. I wasn't trying to impress him when we met - he wasn't trying either. From the beginning of our conversations, we just talked about stuff - and other than a couple of things we didn't share until later on - we were pretty upfront about our baggage. When I knew that this was something unusual - knew that I was in love with him - I just said so, even though he didn't say it for A LONG TIME LATER (okay still a bit irritated about that, hee hee) I didn't need him to be a father to my kids, I didn't need a lover, I didn't need a financial backer, I just wanted a friend - and left myself open to the possibility that it might work out.

The thing that is the most different is that I tell him what I am thinking - and before I open my mouth, I try to see where I have gotten things tangled in my head - or what part I am playing in this particular drama. Step two is trying to figure out where the he is coming from. Most things people do are not motivated by other people, so usually something that ticks me off is merely oversight - rather than intentionally trying to incur my wrath! There is little finger-pointing and a lot of personal responsibility - because it takes two people to make a marriage fail. We are both good at seeing, retrospectively of course, when we have been an ass.

You can only change yourself - and people will treat you as you allow them to treat you. Boundaries shift within a family and from time to time, I have to re-establish that I am not the maid and chief cook and bottle washer - but instead half of the governing body in the house. Though more with the kids than with the husband.

A lot of the time, there are things that I really am afraid to share - as though bringing up these demons will make them real instead of just figments of my imagination. I worry a lot about being a pain, being fat and being left again. I force myself to talk about these - also a BIG shift. I always thought before that if I talked about them, he would see what a putz I am and think he made a mistake ( see it is only an irrational fear if it never happened before). But instead, what has happened is that he can see who I really am - he can see my frailties and what I am afraid of - and that helps him avoid placing landmines in my path.

I used to hold everything in and just take it on the chin until I felt like I would pop (not wanting to be a pain) - then I would blow up and the poor object of my displeasure recieved a lot of bad karma all at once. He called me on that and it was about time that someone did. Not a nice way to behave. Now, maybe it is age or experience, I am finding it is much easier to talk about things when they are little problems instead of waiting for an atom bomb to go off. Nothing is outside the bounds of human forgiveness. Nothing.

Anyway, I am rambling, and I don't want this to sound like I have all the answers. I struggle - I read everything I can get my hands on about how to be a better person. I read other people who I think have it together, try to learn from them, and sometimes actually do. Each day I make a conscious decision to try to be a good wife, a good daughter, a good mom - and some days I am lucky enough to succeed - other days, not so much.

So now it has been nearly 18 months since I met Justin - since my life changed and his did too. It has been well worth the risk.