Jonathan Micah Kelly

Just typing his name makes me miss him. Of course he is not a little boy anymore, but I still picture his sweet cherubic face, dancing with the Tigger song in my kitchen in Bloomington.

I wanted to be a mom from forever - and when I got married at twenty, and Joe had a two year old son, I was delighted. Jonathan had young parents, and from the time I married into his family, I wanted to be his mom. I remember that even though I knew it was time to leave, there was a long time I just couldn't, because I didn't want to leave him. I really struggled with that and put up with a lot of nonsense from his dad because I loved that child so.

Last night I talked to his grandma, Adeline, Bear's other grandma, and she tells me he has grown into a handsome young man. He will be nearly 21 by now - and certainly not a child. She also tells me that she isn't sure he knows he has a sister - that the family was discouraged from ever talking about her(yea, that's a discussion for a later post).

Anyway, I wanted to say something - say I'm sorry I didn't hijack him and move away to Canada to live happily in hiding - sorry I couldn't be there for him - sorry I couldn't legally do more. I never wanted to keep Bear from him, never wanted to see him struggle, and yet because of the stories I heard, I am pretty sure he did struggle.

If by some miracle Jonathan would read this, please know that you are always welcome in my home, because you have always held a place in my heart - and an e-mail from you would be a gift beyond measure.

Maybe that is why I have to keep adopting strays - trying to mother all the time, because when you have lost one baby, it is nearly impossible to fill that crevice, but I just keep trying.

Addendum - Adeline, Jerra's paternal grandmother, sent along this picture taken last year, so I wanted to add it to my post.