Clarity while washing dishes

I have struggled over the past couple of weeks to figure out exactly what my problem was - I had all the physical symptoms from being overstressed - and even 12 years of nursing expereince was not enough to save me from myself so to speak.

No I want to preface this by saying that Justin didn't do anything wrong - and that things are okay in paradise this morning - but yesterday - well, that was another matter.

I figured out that little things he was doing were causing a disproportionate reaction - and they were really getting under my skin.

Washing the dishes while he slept and the boys were busy with video games, I realized what had happened.

I have been left before.

And not just once unfortunately - and the fear of being left again is a demon that haunts me.

The little things, like still having the other house and seperate bank accounts, and a dozen little things were all adding up in my mind that once again someone had found that loveing me was just too much trouble. And it smacked me like a load of bricks standing at the sink. All of those feelings like something was wrong, all centered around this one thing. It took me about five hours of crying and trying to sleep and then trying to talk myself out of it before I could say anything to Justin. As though not talking about it kept it unreal - but my emotions were very real, and the best way to vanquish demons is to put them into the light.

Suffice it to say, this came out of left field to him - he had never entertained the idea, but after some discussion, could see where I was getting things tangled. I was picking up cues, but rather than being an escape plan, the things that were bothering me were just kinks in blending a man who has lived alone for 11 years as adult - and a woman who hasn't lived alone since I was 20 - actually, hasn't ever lived alone- I went from my folks to a dorm, to roommates to a husband - then there were always kids. My perspective is colored and sometimes I forget that - and I should know better but perfection eludes me, and I still get this messed up in my head, making me quite the unpleasant person to live with.

I tell my kids to be careful with the hearts of people they Date - because even if that girl isn't going to be your wife, she will be someones and you don't want her heart to carry scars from you into her marriage. And you hope that someone else, who is dating your future wife right now, is taking the same care with her.