How to be a Single Parent gracefully

I know this is a little off kilter, but in dealing with the ex last week, and trying to get the bad taste out of my mouth, I thought maybe sharing what I learned from other single moms might be helpful and cathartic.

1. Be the person your kids think you are. If in the forefront of your mind, you filter your decisions by the idealistic vision your kids have of you, most choices will be the right ones. My kids knew I would never be the one to cheat on my husband, that I would never steal all the money in the joint checking account, that I would not take things that didn't belong to me and that I would be fair in dividing up the bills and assets. They knew that I would not trash talk about the ex, and since that is the person they think I am, that is the way I behaved.

2. Take the high road. Some people think that during a divorce they are allowed to use the intimate knowledge gained in marriage to "out" their spouse - to tell all the world what a jerk the spouse was. I have always seen this as distasteful and though there are times I have to vent about bad behavior, it is not the same as saying someone is a bad person. Even good people behave badly at times. Find one person that you can vent to in confidence, so that you don't have a chest full of venom that pops loose randomly and inappropriately.

3. Remember that it takes two to tango. Even if your spouse was predominantly at fault (for example, if they committed adultery or just up and left), choices are made by both people and if the marriage is ending, it is an opportunity for you to look at what you could improve on as a person.

4. Consider the source. People say lots of things not based in fact when they are hurt or angry. When insults are hurled, it is good to look for a grain of truth. I was told I am a bad housekeeper - and the truth is, housekeeping is not my strongpoint. Actually, I suck at keeping house. But I am good at providing for my family monetarily and emotionally and making sure we get to church - so I'll just have to work on those other skills - after the kids are all gone and I get my gardening done.

5. Just because someone else is being an ass doesn't mean you get to be. Now when the occasion calls for it, you may have to stand up for yourself, but fighting just because the other person wants to fight is a poor reason. Stay calm and logical and don't get drawn into petty arguments. Choosing your battles is rule number one in single parenting - it is the only way to conserve your energy and retain some sense of self - so only fight a worthwhile fight.

6. Secure your future. Go back to school, finish a degree, accept a promotion, get a job with good insurance, and fill out your will. Working full time while going to nursing school was no picnic, I was way past tired, but looking back, my income has more than doubled since that time - and I can afford to take care of my kids, even when the child support doesn't come in. Don't leave things to chance, when you are the single parent, you have to be self-reliant.

7. Believe in love. If your heart is broken, let it heal slowly. When I couldn't take it anymore I moved my job to provide care for the poorest of the poor. It helped me see my blessings, it helped me see the resilience of the human spirit, and I saw people who genuinely loved each other - confirming my suspicions that love can in fact exist between two adults. if you can't change your job, invest some time volunteering at a shelter, or food pantry, or soup kitchen. That will help keep things in perspective.