I don't know what it is - but I have passed "it" on to at least two of my kids, and possibly the third. There is this intensity of emotions - little things that just send me over the edge and start my little brain ruminating over and over agian about why someoen would choose to act in a way that hurts my feelings. Sometimes my little brain makes a leap - and I miss. I see my two older kids have this same problem - being overly empathetic - and overly sympathetic. It is the reason we pick up stray dogs, and why I used to pick up stray boyfriends instead of choosing the stable ones. Why we feel like rescue is our middle name. If there is a switch to turn this off, let me know, because there are days I would like to feel a little less intense about my life.
I have a girlfriend, who has been my friend, I thought, for about 10 years now. Twice now she has borrowed money - once when she overspent at her wedding, and a second time when she needed it for legal fees. Both times I was tight financially, but managed to get her the money. Now that she is obligated to start paying it back, she doesn't call me at all - and apparently we aren't friends anymore. That pains me more than I can say - and I feel used and taken.
But "it" can be mentally and physically exhausting. I have felt so tired, ever since I waited all day for my brother to show on Saturday, and he didn't - and the hours ticked by and there was no call. Then the anguish of hearing him say those things about my family - mixed with teh innate desire to ring his neck. You know, messing with the cubs set well with me.
And Bear and my mom helped me regain some perspective last night. When you deal with someone you love, you want to think the best of them - think that they would be honest and have your interest at heart. But that was not the case - and for the second time in a year, I have given my brother a way out of the holler in West Virginia - out of unemployment - and he has chosen to stay. Fool me twice, shame on me.
6 comments:
If you didn't love them, it wouldn't hurt. No one can ever take that from you, and I would say that is why people love you and want to be around you is because of those qualities. Don't stop being you!
Here's an adage that I use in life:
If you give someone $100 and you never hear from them again, it was probably worth it.
We just got a new Tractor Supply Co. in town. I could see Justin liking just about anything in that store for a b-day gift. Chain saw? Extension bow saw? Tool chest? Bib overalls?
Loner, I feel for you. I've been in your shoes over and over. God made you who you are for a reason, don't try to change. He needs sympathetic people to take care of those who can't take care of themselves.
You probably couldn't change even if you wanted to. It's who you are.
That being said, He also gave us the knowledge to know when we're being taken advantage of, so listen to both your heart and your head.
They say that if you do loan money to famly or friends you have to be prepared to lose either the money or the relationship. It doesn't always happen, but one or the other seems to happen a lot.
here's an interesting tidbit for you: the word "ruminate" (you used it early in the post) comes from the same word root as the word "ruminant" i.e. goats and cows and those who chew a cud!
take a hint
don't be a ruminant
if it doesn't swallow good,
spit it out!
hahaha....
I am enough of a hopeless romantic to believe that no act of kindness is a waste.
I am enough of a realist to believe that sometimes people put a price on friendship, and those people are usually the ones borrowing the money.
Damn pity.
But no, if there is a way to rewire your heart, I don't know it. If I knew it, I wouldn't tell you. I like that you are kind, willing to help, to rescue. The world needs all the kindness we can pour into it. And there are so many of us in need of rescue.
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