This is not my "happy life" post for today, mostly cause not every day is happy - go figure - that one is next - skip this if you aren't in the mood for something less than happy.
My dad is back to seeing the oncologist - and he asked me to keep this quiet - but since none of his friends and only my family read this, I don't think I am divulging anything.
The cancer is back - and has come back with a vengence. His kidneys are stressed from all the chemo - and the other antibiotics he is taking for an opportunistic infection in his lungs.
The upshot is that he is sick. And I don't know how to react appropriately, I guess.
I cannot find a definitive guide about how to act around someone who is sick - other than what years of nursing experience have taught me - be available, be open to doing whatever a person needs, and don't treat people like they are invalids - treat them like you did before.
For the duration of this, I have tried to treat him as I would want to be treated. That made sense to me since we are similar in how we deal with things like being sick. The last thing I would want is people fussing over me, calling me every day to see how I was feeling. I would want conversation about good things - funny things- focusing on living.
I have not wanted to be a pain - and the last thing I want to do is stress him out because he is trying to help me feel better about this. You can't make something like cancer all better just by wishing it away - but you can give it power over your life by having it be the focus of every conversation. That is not healthy.
I would do the same things my folks have done, making sure my plot is paid for and my funeral arrangements are made so as not to leave that to the kids - that is a pragmatic Loner thing to do. They have done this, we have talked about it - I feel pretty comfortable about it - but I don't see the need to keep bringing it up to him - when he wants to talk about it he will bring it up.
So how do you cope with the unknown - do I act like he will die any day? I don't feel like we have a bunch of unfinished business to settle - like there are things left unsaid. I never have felt that way - we have talked openly for a very long time. So I guess that explains the lack of urgency - the reason I dont' feel like I need to call him every day to see how he is feeling - I know how he is feeling - he is tired, he is not sleeping, he is in pain - and I can't see where calling to remind him of this - and forcing him to recount this is any help.
I am sad, and I am afraid it will be difficult for him - but I am a Christian, and a Catholic and I know that Christ will take my dad to a place of peace and rest when his days are over. I'm in no hurry to give him up - but the truth is that if I really believe, I know that is the fate of a man like my dad on the other side.
So what am I to do? Quit my job and move back to Indiana? Go on medical leave so that I will be available to help run to appointments and decipher medical lingo? Call every day to check in? I just don't know what I am supposed to do to be the "good daughter" in this scenario. So for now I am just muddling through. Anyone with a how to guide is welcome to suggest one.
7 comments:
You know what to do. Stay put..take care of your family and your job (you need the job to take care of your family!). Come to visit when you can. We don't have room here for 20 ducks, 6 dogs, 5 goats, cats, birds etc, etc, and 3kids!! lol
If you have the time, just call him once a week (that's plenty) to let him hear your beautiful voice. Just call and say hello...was thinking about you...love you...talk to you later!
He will say the same. Nothing else to say. It isn't the words that count...no discussion about anything is necessary....it is taking the time to call just to say hello and staying connected with family that is important. Or at least that is what I would suggest. E-mail and blogs just don't hack being family for us.(but we are old-fashioned!)
But as my grandmother always told me, "let your conscious be your guide - do what you feel is best"....that has always served me well and I hope it does you too.
We love you.
Loner,
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I'll keep him in my thoughts and prayers.
Both you and your family will be in my thoughts. My hope and best wishes go out to all of you. Take care.
my thoughts and prayers are with you.
One little bit of advice. Do try to get there while he is still well. Don't wait and have a memory forever in your mind of your Dad being feeble and ill. That visit does no one any good.
May I suggest sending little cards and notes in the snail mail a few times a week? Just knowing someone thinks enough of you to take the time to do a little thing like that can bring a little joy and solace.
Just love him the best way you know how....not only will that offer him comfort but you can carry that forward with you. Come to think of it - so can he.
I pray these days ahead will be filled with love and light as his journey towards peace begins.
God Bless You All.
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