The old and beaten path

Why is it that when we are hurt or scared we turn to those things our rational mind knows will not heal us? Why do old patterns of behavior, regardless of how badly they worked, feel so comfortable all of a sudden. The familiar is comfortable - even when it is not healthy.

I have a wound and rather than trying something that will actually work, I am finding myself beating an old path - being needy, feeling slighted, holding back angry words and a temper that is near the surface, feeling unappreciated, questioning the wisdom of my choices. These are all the ugly sides of my feelings that I really want to keep under control. They also remind me that I am human and that despite my best efforts to have it all together, I stumble and crash and hurt people without even blinking an eye.

This is not the kind of person I have strived to become - I thought I had banished this bad aspect of my persona to a land far away - I have moments that I wonder if the fear of committing again has made me more sensitive to things - or unbased fear that I will lose yet another person I love. I don't know exactly which of the dozen or so things going on is the culprit. But I do know I don't like it.

I can blame lots of things - the only man who ever really loved me is battling cancer right now, my fiance' is struggling with his own responsibilities and cannot help like I want him to, I am moving into a new house, preparing for a wedding and the prom at the same time, both boys have changed schools in the past three weeks, Bear is struggling with social issues and boys, and my backyard is screaming for me to do some planting.

I feel like my needs are constantly put on the back burner for family, or work, or a dozen other good reasons. I vacillate between wanting to scream, wanting to cry, and snuggling up to Justin until the world goes away. I actually got angry because someone else has enough self respect to put the brakes on and say no - and I feel like I cannot do that.

Instead, I keep trudging along - and today, though there are moments of brightness, I feel like the world and it's demands are heavy on my shoulders. I am ready for a break - and maybe this week I will have enough sense to take one. You saw the maybe didn't you - the break is a distant dream - we'll see how the reality plays out.