The Saga of Loner's Landing

SOOOOO
My mom and my retirement fund came to the rescue and allowed us to get the house issue taken care of. Funny that when my dad said I should sock away money in my retirement so that I could borrow it for a rainy day I never thought that advice would get me out of a spot this sticky. Whew!
So thanks Dad for the advice, thanks Mom for the loan and kids, when I am retired adn wandering aroudn teh house looking for my drink rather than terroroizing old men at the retirement home ( because I used my retirement fund to keep our house) you kids will just have to tolerate me and possibly ply me with good bourbon. Currently I like Red Stag Black Cherry Bourbon- safe bet to stock up now so that at least if I am wandering around searching for my drink I am happy about it.

Now part two about the house:
The truth is that most of the repairs I have done were to the best of my ability - but my ability is REALLY limited. So there are repairs and improvements that are done "half-assed" if you will pardon the phrase. Since money is tight, we are going to start with the most critical repairs and work our way out. The wear and tear of 5 people and one little 4-year-old utilizing the bathroom has left it with two leaky faucets and what feels like an ongoing funk- so the bathroom is first. Don't worry - I'll post some pictures for you!

The Rescuers

I remember when I started working for Medtronic, my Dad looked over my benefit information and advised me to make sure I invested in my retirement. We have a couple of options and the company takes very good care of me. As a CFO, he recognized this benefit and told me this was a great job. He was right- it is.

Over the past 18 months we have spent an unbelievable amount of money on medical bills. While America may still have insured health care, mess that it is, there are copays if you want to get things done- especially if you have to make a trip to the ER. So, I have a fairly finite salary, I have two kids who are working, but for minimal wages, and one kid not quite old enough to work who is in school. There just isn't a big revenue stream - which is something LOTS of families are facing right now.

So....little by little the mortgage has slipped behind. A few hundred dollars short one month, then a couple months later the same thing- it has gone on for quite a while. Long enough in fact for the mortgage company to notice, unfortunately. Three weeks ago I got a notice about foreclosure - and I have been sick about it ever since. How will I come up with the back money- will they even let me- will I be packing over Christmas instead of celebrating???? Super fun questions for this season, let me tell you.

I talked to God about this. I always feel a little uncomfortable asking God to help me out of a mess that to some degree, I created, but considering it meant losing or keeping the house, I didn't think I had much choice- so I asked Him to take pity on us- and on Nicole and Charlie who have already lost one home this year. He told me to pay attention- which He says quite often in response to my prayers. So.... I got all of the letters from the mortgage company and the lawyer's office and read through them. Then I filled out every last worksheet I could find from teh lawyer's office and sent it all in - followed up by several phone calls- and I got a dollar figure to work with. Honestly, once the problem is defined, it is a WHOLE lot easier to deal with!

I called a friend who does financial planning- since I can't call my Dad anymore about this stuff, and he suggested that I let the Church help me back- that is still in process. Then I called my mom, and asked her to loan me part of the money- but it is only a loan, meaning I still need to come up with cash to pay her back as I am borrowing from her retirement funds. Then it struck me: I have a retirement fund as well. Dad encouraged me to put a nice chunk of each check in that fund so that I would have "a little something put away". And amazingly enough, we are allowed to take a loan out from that money. Unbelievable. What I thought was a hopeless situation has resolved itself with 8 days to go before Christmas. Hoorah!

I am trying to use the refinancing options- trying to make a long-term fix, though I anticipate that with three months seizureless for us, our days of rampant medical bills should be over. Anyway, I just wanted to express my thanks for my Mom and my dad and my Father in Heaven for watching over me and being there when I needed their help the most. Thanks

Beauty Before Me

This morning the air was crisp, but at 45degrees, it was hardly freezing. I drove my daughter and her friend around at the crack of dawn after a very refreshing early night last night.
Nothing says rednecks like a pair of Amazon women walking into WalMart at 8am - one in pink polkadot fleece pajamas and the other in army green pants and a flannel shirt. Classy pair, my daughter and I, especially uncaffienated.

Here is something that perplexes me: why would someone say that they "have other plans" and then call to see what you are doing at 1130PM, surprised that you don't answer. I'm not doing anything except that pile of home tasks that I have put aside because I have been spending LOTS of free time with you....and I took the whole " I have other plans" completely the wrong way- assuming that you had plans with someone else that you couldn't tell me about. Yeesh- the ongoing payment for former lovers' bad behavior. Sometimes I wonder why there isn't a way to go in and undo all that faulty wiring. That would be a way to make my millions, right? Figuring out a way to undo all the damage that former lovers do to the psyche.

I really care about this man- and though we have not clearly established what kind of friends we are going to be long-term, it is clear that we are going to be friends for a very long time. All this made me wonder this morning: who do I really want to be in a partnership?

Well, I dont' want to be the victim in need of rescue- always having someone prove their trustworthiness - always looking to see what was done for me lately to appraise the worthiness of my suitor. I've seen this in action- it isn't pretty- and being on the verge of walking away all the time is just exhausting.

I don't want to be blinded by love, unable to see my love clearly, unable to tell if there is a movement from what is healthy and good into what is pathological and hurtful to us both. I would like to be blind to physical imperfections - but otherwise, I need to be able to see.

I don't want to be jaded and believe that I cannot give my heart away because it will only get broken again. I want to be someone who still believes in love- that is for darn sure.

I've been working on being who it is I really want to be as a partner for about 6 months now- trying to be honest with myself in my own shortcomings and catching myself in those self-defeating behaviors which haven't done anything to help me thus far.

I do want to be loving and kind and trustworthy and fun and most importantly: alive.

There is pumpkin and sausage soup on the stove - from a pumpkin I bought back in October who has graced my counter for over two months. The soup is warm and smells of sage and nutmeg- lovely for a day where big fluffy snowflakes drift lazily from the sky- like bluehaired ladies floating down the Lazy River, watching life pass along beside them.

The house is clean - a result of having nothing to do last night- and the need to quiet my mind. Sure sign that I have a lot on my mind: The house is clean.

There is beauty in having food on the stove, clean clothes in the closet, clean floors and bathrooms, and being caught up on my work for the weekend. There is beauty in the simplicity of a wood fire on a snowy night. There is beauty in the laughter of my boys playing in the front room and my daughter wrapping presents to go under the tree with her boyfriend.

In the peace that is my house, there is beauty in the normal comings and goings of everyday people making a life for themselves.

And in appreciating this beauty I allow myself to be happy.

Pearl Harbor Day- a day of remembrance

Today is December 7th - which in our country will forever call to mind the attack at Pearl Harbor. There are stories floating around of people who were concerned about blips on the radar and rumors of Japanese ships which were way too close. Stories of these threats being reported, but no being acted upon. For some reason, the powers that be were not moved or convinced or concerned - I don't know because I just wasn't there - and stories told now by survivors are tainted with the pain of remembering decades of pain. It is hard to see where the truth is.

So many things around us are unclear-and it is so often the case that it is hard to see where the truth is. Even now, in the age of internet enlightenment and a doozen educational channels on cable, there are things that are difficult to explain like crop circles and standing stones and alien ships and Area 51 and ghosts and terrorist groups and saints and miracles and healings and the ten million conspiracy theories which swirl around. It is a lot to take in- but it catches my attention non-the-less. Where is the truth - the reality - the part of these stories that I should be paying attention to and learn from? How do you tease that out so that when the Japanese planes come buzzing overhead with the dawn, your troops are protected? Do we need to worry about being protected at all - and if so, from what?

I refuse to live in fear. We tried that once- it just wasn't the carnival ride you'd expect. I also refuse to live a life with my head in the sand.

As Catholics we profess to believe in all that is seen and unseen. Those guys at Nicea were not just throwing words together- they understoon a thousand years ago- and before - that there are things we do not see and do not understand. Okay, I have to agree with that. There are lots of things that I understand that I cannot see like atoms and the ozone layer- so I can believe that. But there are also spiritual forces that I cannot see - and just because I don't want to believe in them, doesnt' mean they aren't there. I like the idea of lumping all those menacing things together as the unseen.

But in believing in them, it is akin to believing in the threat from the blips on the radar and the rumors of war: they require that we prepare and pay attention.

We each have our little daily battles - some of us more heavily laden in our packs than others- but the war does go on.

Today, on this day of remembrance, I hope the Lord will look down with love on those families who were impacted byt Pearl Harbor - and those families who are heavily laden today - blessing them with his infusion of love.

Today, I remember and learn from the history of my people.

Illuminata

I have a new friend and he has asked me to pray about where our relationship is going - to get a magic answer from God about whether it is a good idea. Well, this is what I came up with:
when grown-ups love one another they are independent and able to take care of themselves, but together they are support system and a cheering section and a synergistic force greater than the two individuals alone. When it is the real deal there is not the ongoing anxiety of trying to be someone or something else- you are allowed to be yourself- emotions and runny nose and warts and all.

Good lovers and good friends bring peace, comfort, love, energy, relaxation, laughter, and sparkle to your life- they enhance who you already are.

so, the real irony is that I was so concerned about finding a special someone and now that I have someone in my life, all I want to do is be careful with him. The hurry is over. And for today, there is peace and joy.

Gun Anxiety

Saturday afternoon I was out wandering the streets and we saw a sign for a gun show. Not my normal fare, but I was up for the adventure.

So...

we get to the fairgrounds parking lot and find that we have entered into the wrong place. We pull around following the arrows only to find they are directing us to a parking deck that is not related to teh gun show- or to anything else as far as I can see. We back up and go to the gate, which is now bolted closed. We are not supposed to be here. There is no where to go as the normal pathways are strewn with lights for what I can only assume is an evening light show which involves driving around a parking lot looking at colored bulbs. Welcome to Georgia... sorry, I digress. Eventually after pulling through a number of turns and finding locked gate after locked gate, we moved some lights and cut across the parking lot to the gun show, only to find it was closing for the night. A bigbusted bleached blonde gal at the door assured us that we could come again tomorrow. alright then.

My friend has a very small convertable- beautiful piece of equipment, but when you put Jake who is 6'3" and me 5'10" into this car, well it is like clowns at the circus- amusing at the very least. I think it is charming that he thinks we are small enough to fit in this car- we are not. Sardines. So the three of us loaded up and headed to the Gun Show. Not sure what I expected, though I knew it would be an adventure.

Dad had a Remington rifle that we would take out and shoot at the lakehouse- my mom has it now. Justin had a pistol, and I never felt comfortable with it- either because of issues with him or issues gun itself- not sure. When he left, the gun left with him. I have never had a gun - except the air-soft guns that Jake is enamored of. And two weeks ago, Jake managed to shoot himself in the foot with his new BBgun- with a lead pellet no less- so my experience with guns is limited, but I am open to the idea. Key word here is the "idea" of a gun. I found it very disconcerting when I placed a Glock in my hand and actually liked how it felt. There was a certain amount of connection- and when I moved to the Smith and Wesson revolver, it was even worse...or better...I'm still not sure exactly. There is something primally alluring about a weapon of destruction- like holding the balance of life and death in your hands. I liked the guns. But still at this point, they are not loaded, they are not in my house, they are still just an idea.

We wandered around the gun show for nearly 4 hours- ran into used-car salesmen, ex military guys, Bubbas, and rampant testosterone - quite the people-watching occasion. It was fascinating. There were a couple of guys who had very clearly made a life's work out of defending the nation by using that weaponry- knives and swords and guns of every shape imaginable. There was a cloud over their eyes - and it made me wonder if the old saying is true - that to take a life requires losing a piece of your soul.

We dropped Jake off and then entered into a realm that I have not allowed myself to go to: should I have a gun in the house- a real gun- with the very real ability to kill someone.

well, there's a question for you.

We live in a country with the right to bear arms. We have had the need of a gun for protection before- and I have considered that if we lived a more rural existance, I would need a shotgun. Buckshot seems less lethal and more of an option for scaring off coyotes, the noise alone would get an intruders attention. But the idea of a handgun just makes me nervous. They seem so much more lethal - and that is the point.

I tried out a handgun and a rifle both, trying to aim and shoot, trying to maneuver around a barrier, and I have to say, there were real advantages to the mobility of the handgun. Seems a lot more functional. My anxiety level was through the roof, knowing that even though the guns were not loaded, that I was still hodling something with the power to take a life- and holding this at a friend's house- just didn't seem like a great plan. But I guess if you can't accidentally shoot your friend, then who can you accidentally shoot.

The question was: if someone came to your house to do you or the kids harm, how would you protect them? Run is my first answer, but that may not be my best option. It would be like bringing a gun to a knife fight - great idea, not that helpful. This is a question I need to answer consciously- and in not choosing, I have made a choice not to have a gun in the house. But that may not be the best choice.

So I am letting the idea simmer a little bit.

I am going to go to the shooting range and take a handgun and see if we love each other.

We'll go from there - and if there is some love, we can talk about moving in together.

Have to wait and see.

Falling Slowly

warming up to the thought of you as you are trying to decide if what you really see is real
my words made you feel 10 feet tall which was only fair since your words made me feel.....

beautiful

in a way that is both unusual and familiar
like the strains of a song I have struggled to remember

I don't know you, but I want to

while burdened with the requirements of being mother and father and rescuer, being a woman is put on the back burner where it becomes dried and charred while waiting to be stirred up.

but you added water- and gently moved the pot to add life back in

my cup is filled to overflowing as I gulp down that which is poured before me
thirst overtaking logic at the end of a dry season

sleep seems to be a luxury item when I can exchange it for what i really need: more time

the sound of your voice, the honest commentary, the understanding that there is a place I may not be able or willing to go without patience and persistance.

i see who you are, maybe seeing more of me than you really want to share

and in that vulnerability i have allowed you to see me as well- and you actually do.

to be seen and loved is the greatest adventure

72 Degrees on the week of Thanksgiving

There are a lot of cultural things that strike me as odd about living in the South as a transplant- and because I am still here by choice, I will not use this space to fuss about them. I do, however, LOVE the weather here most of the time. In the summer, it is HOT everywhere, Atlanta being no exception. I wish there were a better way to shield me from those 90 degree days than just the plethora of trees surrounding the house, but no other viable options have presented themselves, so AC it is. The fall and winter, though, that is where things here get amazing. Three days until Thanksgiving - an occasion that typically is heralded by snow in Indiana, I laid out in the yard in the sun over the weekend and today, drove with the windows down and the sunroof open - being caressed by the sun.

I put in a crop of garlic and leeks last weekend to grow over the winter. The asparagus is lovely with its delicate ferns covering the patch in my garden, carefully guarded by St Francis.

The mums are still covered in miniature firework bursts and bright-faced pansies will winterover in the pots on my south-facing porch. I have pepper plants growing on the windowsill of my kitchen, just waiting to be put into outside pots this weekend. The same weekend we will decorate the house for Christmas. Can't get over the fact that I plant and put up Christmas decorations in the same week. Not a bad deal at all. Lots of crops do well over the winter including the root vegetables like onions and leeks and carrots. I still have tomotoes ripening on the vine and parsley vivid green along the walk. The fruit trees are just branches now and the blueberries have fiery red leaves disguising them as fire bushes for the remainder of the season.

Like nearly every person in the US right now, money is tight, but we have been blessed with a lovely piece of land, a little garden to sustain us and a ton of Ball jars filled with the bounty from this year. There is enough fallen wood to build a skyscraper and if I handle it right, I should be able to have firewood for the bonfire for months to come- now if I could only figure out a way to get a fireplace in my house - I really miss that - and it seems a waste not to have one with so much wood fallen about. But that is another story all together.

In this season of Thanksgiving, I am grateful for a full pantry, and enough money to pay my bills.

Sleep Deprivation for a Good Cause

I was reminded this morning that sometimes I get so busy looking at the trees that I miss the actual forest. This isn't new to me- since I deal with insulin all day long, it is not uncommon for me to get really focused on one issue or one adjustment and then bring that out to examine the bigger picture.

I have a new friend, well, he is quite possibly an old friend and if you believe in past lives, he was probably my friend before as well. Easy conversation which makes the time pass deceptively fast echoes the conversations I have with my closest girlfriends - women I have known for almost half my life. That is a rarity. I have had male friends before who were a lot of fun to engage in conversation- honestly, it is a prerequisite to romance for me now - but this conversation has a level of honestly and transparency that I haven't seen before. It is intriguing - and given the phase I am in right now, it is also moving me forward.

I hadn't realized the amount of time we have spent together, since most of that time is followed by wanting to spend more time and ask more questions, but as it worked out, I have seen him 10 days in a row.
huh?
how is that even possible? I have tons of work- full time job and full time gig with the kids-and I just don't have time.
But apparently I do - and that may be the reason for my sleep deprivation.

I also learned that I do not protect my heart from being broken just because I don't admit to loving someone. It's true: I am selfish about the "I LOVE YOU" words. Don't get me wrong, I certainly have people that I love and I fall quickly and stay there eternally. After where I have been, I have been busy protecting my heart with a piece of waxed paper rather than a shield. Somehow I thought that if I didn't say the words, it would somehow keep my heart from feeling them. Okay - I know this sounds daft- but I actually believed it on some level. I had decided that I would not say those words again for a very long time. But I was called on this particular brand of BS and upon examination, I saw that he was correct: it was BS. I love people- I just do - I love talking with them and seeing them interact and people watching- I am just fascinated by them- and because I am able to see my oneness with them, I love.

I've been thinking a lot about the barriers I have set before myself over the years. Feelings of guilt over failed relationships, things I should have done better as a mother, everyday shortcomings - all became barriers between me and my ability to see myself accurately. It occurred to me that if God is able to see everything that I do and love me both because and in spite of my failings, that I might consider doing this in His image as well: "You are forgiven everything because I love you completely" ( not sure where I read this but it has made all the difference.)
I was willing to forgive people who fell short, who physically hurt me, who were the other party in my failed relationships - those were easy. Forgiving myself was more difficult.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes has a section in Women Who Run With the Wolves where she describes making a map of those key moments in your life which changed its course or caused you to change the way you looked at yourself. Then marking those places with a little cross- like the ones you see beside the road in the Southwest and in Central America. This honors and acknowledges the place on the path where your life changed. Acknowledging that even those mistakes were made with the information you had available then - with the version of yourself that you had then- and they seemed like a good idea at the time. Might not be the same thing we would do now- but we are not in the same place as we were then- so who knows. But they deserve honor because they have shifted who we are to get us to here and now - to our current version. ( I know I like this version of me much better than the 24-year-old version, though her decisions had a big impact on who I am now).

Forgiveness came when I realized that the only way to stop being tethered to that version of me was to stop agonizing over what I had been and move forward. Can't move forward while looking back. And interestingly enough, in looking forward, I am able to change things so that I don't repeat those same mistakes.

And that is where I am this morning - little sleepy- lots to do- but pleased at my choice. I am spending time with someone who is challenging me a better version of myself just by being with him.

iPads, constant contact and Harry Potter

About two weeks ago, my company brought all of us together for training and lavished upon us an iPad. Now before you get all excited or jealous about my new technological toy- let me remind you that I still struggle with my smart phone - and did not own one Apple piece of equipment prior to this item -so I am in WAAAAAY over my head. I have figured out how to use YouTube and the PDF display for clinical articles, and this week, I figured out PODCASTS. I love books on tape- and the idea that I can listen to my favorite authors without having to stop and read a book- well, I am in hog heaven about this.

One of my friends said it best: Steve Jobs is a genius, until I had an iPad, I didn't know I needed one and now I can't imagine living without one. huh.

So today on my hour drive home I listened to a podcast on being intentional about what you want in your life. The author who was in her 40s stated that she had gone through a series of steps in order to bring romantic success to her life. When I heard them, they really rang a bell, so here goes:

1. Forgive yourself for your past faults, failings, adventures, weight....whatever you need to forgive to move on. Get out of your own way.

2. Heal up any old relationships- you know, like the one with your ex who is still your friend, right? Yes, that is correct.

3. Make a list of those things you want in a mate ( my friend Steph did this ages ago- it worked) and look for someone who has most all of those traits, and definitely all the non- negotiables.

4. Be patient and get on with your life while you wait.

Well said, ma'am. And there is the glimmer of a possibility that my waiting days are numbered. That'd be great.

Several months ago, I met someone and I thought he had real potential. He was definitely the kind of man I was interested in on paper. I struggled to make sense of his behavior, and because I couldn't make it fit, it never moved past that awkward stage. And for that I am grateful.

Because had that moved on to something else, I would not be on my way to go see Harry Potter on opening night with someone who fits - and who doesn't make me struggle at all.

Awakening from Hibernation

Bear cubs are born while their mother is hibernating- and if it is timed correctly, they are just getting annoying and loud and mobile at about the time the Spring sun has warmed the grasses and mom is awake and ready to get out of the den.

So too was I in hibernation during this season that my children were born- not fully who I am meant to be- going through the motions of birth and nursing and rearing- but somehow still sleepwalking.

I am waking up now- and the children who surround me are awake and vibrant and mystical in their innate differences which make me fall in love with them over and over again.

I find that I want to sit in the warm sun while watching the fruit trees and berry bushes ripen before my eyes.

I want to wander - and take them with me- as I meander through unknown woods. Maybe I'll meet a bee charmer- Idgie Threadgood may be nearby to tempt me.

I want to dip my feet in the shallow stream and bat at the fish - though I don't think I'll become a sushi convert any time soon - the whole adventure sounds remarkable.

That makes me think of the creek up Tsaile mountain - where there were baby trout swimming upstream- and the children and I would make a little fire and bask in the dappled sunshine beneath the pine trees. This place- the place I go to in my mind's eye when I think of a moment of pure peace- is the home of our "bear story", a dozen cookouts, Jeep trips which included 360 spins in the muddy roads, and filling up water jugs with the mountain fountains which dotted the road there. It is a place of intense memories- and even writing this, it feels like I was just there.

Hibernation is fascinating - from an emotional as well as a physiological perspective. A mammal, who very much needs glucose and food to feed it's body - let alone water to hydrate it - goes into a den and sleeps for months at a time. No food or water - no potty breaks - very little exercise or fresh oxygen - it is a biological improbability at best. And yet, in this state, there is the wonder of birth, and what is akin to death and resurrection played out year after year. The bear just falls asleep and believes that waking will happen when the time is right. That is a LOT of faith- to sleep for that long. To wait. To be patient. To trust that the world around you will be okay on it's own while you sleep.

It is a natural part of the course of a bear's life- and as in all other creatures who can teach us something - the bear teaches us about the power of the body, about trust, and most of all about patience.

I feel like a good stretch....how about you?

The Big Chill

Winter is on the way. This morning, I could tell there was the trace of a colder wind in the air.



There is a rhythm to the way life goes, isn't there. Summer, fall, winter, spring- heat, cooling off, distance, renewal and then heat again - life, harvest, death, life growing beneath the surface, and life again. Cycle after cycle and year after year.



Personally, the knowledge that wherever I am is only temporary has helped me cope with an innumerable situations. Keeps things in perspective when you remind yourself that it isn't permanent- that it is only for a while. Like holding your breath underwater.

I've been having trouble getting warm. I know, I'm in Georgia and it really isn't that cold here - physically cold. There is the constant dampness in the cold weather that seems to penetrate down to my bones - making 50 degrees seem subzero. When we lived in Indiana I wouldn't even get a jacket until it was in the 30s. here I am turning on the heated seats at 60.

But I think it is an outward expression of something inward- I just can't get warm.

I had someone say to me that I had given my heart away. Much as I would like to deny this - it is true. There has been a LOT of settling since then because there wasn't much left to give to anyone else.

And as a result of being in that phase where I am growing my heart back and filling up the chambers with the love of family and friends - I am having trouble getting warm. Yeesh, maybe I am lacking in pulse as well!

Feeling cold makes me sleepy- yawning through important moments in my life.
But most of all, feeling cold makes me want to get warm.

Waterbed is turned up, heated seats are on, little bourbon in the glass, fireplace exuding heat:
They provide momentary warmth- but as I said, I think it is a deeper problem.

When I hug the kids - I feel warm. When I sit by my friends on the couch, I feel warm. And when they are gone, so is the warmth.

I feel like the little Match girl- continually lighting matches because the light and the flames distract my attention long enough to forget the cold.

Don't worry- it is only a season and spring will be here before we know it.

While You Were Sleeping

While you were sleeping, I read the notes you wrote, marveled the pictures you had taken and saw what was important to you- the outline of your heart clearly visible.

Your friends, the fractionated pieces of your life, in picture form with glimmers of sunlight and smiling faces look out at me like stills from an old family album.

While you were sleeping - that relaxed and renewing sleep after the sweetness of life has graced your hours - the curls in your hair filled my daydreams

Through endless miles, I thought of the things you have said to me in friendship, in concern, in service to my family and was filled with thankfulness for you. Passion infuses your words when humor does not, allowing a stream of endorphins and adrenaline to fill the space between us.

It takes a lot more courage to be honest when what you say isn't what the other person wants to hear. That kind of courage is lacking today - impressed is an understatement. When the person in question is formidable, well, then courage is an understatement as well.

The sparks from the split logs in your fireplace emanate warmth and light, like prayer bundles, carrying my burdens skyward. There is comfort in a desolate season where warmth eludes me.

While you were sleeping, I thought about the times that I was not able to be myself and then not able to be the someone else I had become. Decent honorable people are few in this world. Those who take the time to look under the facade are even more rare. I am blessed to count you as my friend and I realized that while you were sleeping.

Best Friends and Other Life Miracles

Loyalty is just not that common anymore. We seem to think that we are in a disposable world: where paper cups and people have the same worth. I've heard people say that other people are irretrievable - that they are not worth my "time" or that they are not worth the effort. Believe me, if you get to know someone and invest the time, it will be well worth it. Like spending $200 to find out that someone is not who they pretend to be - totally worth it to avoid the pain.

Let's be clear - I wasn't around when time or the length of my earthly stay were decided- I just happen to be the very thankful recipient of the gift of life - and I am jumping in with both feet to enjoy it these days. At 44, I am not sure if I am halfway through- maybe even 3/4 of the way, who knows - but I do know what is important.

People are important. Love and hope are important. Showing up is important. Deodorant is also important as is toothpaste. Just sayin'.

This weekend, I watched two of my closest friends, Spencer and Tamela, marry each other. While on the surface it may look like it was me who introduced them- and I did pester them until they agreed to meet - the truth is that the Holy Spirit had them paired up all along. So we believed in love and we showed up. Only, it was I who was blessed by their event - it was I who felt loved and honored by the events of the weekend - and I was reminded of just how powerful love can be when placed in the right hands.

I have been spending a lot of time with another of my friends lately. There is a challenge to keep up when you take two people who both think quickly and try to keep the conversation on any sort of linear train. But a challenge is good for me- and the fact that the time just flies when we are talking is just an added bonus. Patience and acceptance are good. Understanding is good. And all of these things are not a part of the idea that people are disposable, but that people are worth our time and our love. Can't argue with results.

My dear friend, Steph, came over to Atlanta this week. Haven't seen each other in a couple of years and it is just like we were neighbors again. We have been friends since Arizona- so over 13 years now- and that gives her the right to say whatever she feels like she needs to. Easy conversation - honesty - talking about the things we face as working moms and the potential solutions. Nothing better than alone time with an old friend whose counsel you trust. She is a treasure and seems to be continually looking out for my best interest- for the gift of an angel who watches over me- I am again thankful.

Over the weekend - and on most weekends, I spent time with my friend Mary. She is like my older sister, since I didn't have an older sister. With 5 kids, she has a lot of mothering experience - a quick sense of humor - but most importantly, she always makes me feel welcome at her house. The ability to go there and just be for a few hours is invaluable. It is with her family that holidays and birthdays are celebrated in my yellow kitchen. She is who I call in the morning on my way to work. Mary is an action hero- if you need something taken care of, she signs up -she SHOWS up when there is a program at church or a friend who just had surgery and needs a meal. She is a gem and has taught me a lot about having a servant's heart - always the first one there and the last one to leave at church functions. She definitely gets that right.

My friend J has taught me a lot about acceptance. For a long time - even into this year - I felt GUILTY about feeling what I feel. Seriously, that is not healthy thinking and I would not be pleased with my kids at all if they did the same thing. She taught me that being just who you are, and saying what you really think is charming and lovely and most of all: not a cause for folks to run away screaming from you.

Tonight is the coup de gras, though. I am going to see my friend Lora. She is my oldest and dearest friend- having met her at Parents Without Partners when I was pregnant with Josh - so nearly 20 years ago! hard to believe. She has been my model for single parenting, a model for my Walk with Christ and my closest confidant. We know each other's secrets and that is a wondrous place to be- liberating in that there isn't anything I can say that would shock her because she has seen me at my worst - and she loves me anyway. Though we live over 4 hours away right now, she is as close as the phone. We trade dating stories, kid stories and we keep each other in prayer- probably the most valuable aspect of our friendship.

I felt moved this morning to write about this, because in the end, it is the love of those around you which is important- the network of making friends and intertwining your lives that is so very touching - and it is that love that fills the heart to overflowing.

Here is my wish for you: that you know the love of a dear friend who "gets" you and loves you anyway. That you show up and be present in the first place and most importantly, that your life is full of moments which steal your breath. Be blessed.

Remnants from a Cold War

When I was growing up we lived near Fort Benjamin Harrison in Indianapolis. In the 80s and somewhat beyond, it was the accounting center for the military- where all the checks were written and bills were paid- or at least this is what I remember about it.

In the early 80s a movie came out called "The Morning After" which detailed one scenario of what the earth would be like after a nuclear war - blackness, radiation, people who lived with complete lawlessness in order to survive -a veritable hell on earth.

Even though I was at a Catholic school and certainly believed in God on some level, the whole idea of dying young was frightening. When the movie came out, kids talked about it, and so did the teachers. Not long afterwards, there was an assembly at school for the older grades. It was explained to us in very matter-of-fact terms that should a nuclear bomb hit the nearest First Strike Target ( Fort Ben) that we would have nothing to worry about. The explosion and the subsequent firestorm would incinerate us - and there would be no lawless survivors among us. I think this was said to reassure us that we would be at peace and miss out on all the horrible things depicted by the film, but at 12, I don't think I ever let go of that sensation I had: leaned over with my legs crossed and my head resting on the inside wall of the hallway at school, covered by my arms for protection. During those drills, part of me accepted the inevitability of being blown away suddenly by a power that I had no control over. A little fatalistic, isn't it.

The battles of the Cold War and the ideology that Russia is the bastion of Evil in the world has faded out of popularity. We have new bad guys now which include folks from the Middle East, Somalia, North Korea and China- just to name a few. They are a little harder to characterize because their motivations are so diverse, but Terror Alerts tell us they are a threat - not as easy to fictionalize in a movie though- Russians are tough and sound menacing - just saying.

I was talking with a friend last night and when he asked about whether I believed that there were forces around us who could hurt us through an act of war, I had to say yes. I don't feel strongly about one particular threat, but rather, a nagging feeling that I should have things in order. I keep a stock of water, medicine and canned foods - though I didn't gather them for a coming war- but rather for emergencies like a flood or tornado when those resources might be needed. I have a couple of solar lanterns, some flashlights and radios which use solar or crank handles and some other alternative source items like battery powered chargers and sterno to cook with should we need it.

This begs the question: exactly how prepared should we be? Do I need to move away from the US to protect my family? Do I need a generator - a protected well- solar panels - a compound in Waco??? It is a tough question to answer, especially because I can not logically place a name on the nagging threat I think is coming - harder to prepare for something when you only have a generalized idea.

So I wonder - where is the "right" place between living completely off the grid, totally self sufficient but isolated.... and living in town with complete dependence on municipal utilities? There has to be a sweet spot.

I think farmers had it right: grow a garden and plant trees to sustain your famliy and enable you to control what you eat- have a back up generator or a root cellar in case you need one- have a back up plan for an emergency.

What do you think???

Peace and Eggs

My friend Stephanie is here. We have been buddies for over 10 years now: bonding in Arizona on the Navajo reservation, then seeing each other for Thanksgivings, meeting Justin at her wedding and then several trips back and forth to my house and to hers in Albuquerque. Honestly, I want to retire either in New Mexico or back in Indy so that I will live by either Steph or Lora as an old lady. Gotta be where your best buddies are! Her visit couldn't have come at a better time for me. Nothing like an old friend to challenge you and help you peel back the layers to the bare truth.

And so it was that last night driving back from WalMart with groceries in the back seat she landed the question: How do you like your eggs?

In the movie the Runaway Bride, Julia Roberts is confronted by the question of how she really likes her eggs - because in all of her relationships she conforms who she is to the man in question and has her eggs however he has his eggs. Abject adoration of the man in question leads him to think he loves her as the perfect match whether she is or not. Her fascade prevents him from seeing who she really is- and prevents love from really entering her life. The scene unfolds with her discovering what she really wants and become the conossieur rather than settling on things she just isn't into- sorry for the chick movie reference, but I am, after all, still a girl.

I like them fried in butter and olive oil with fresh ground pepper with bacon on the side.
Or in an omlet with just about anything but salsa - just for the record.

Justin came over for the cookout last night and we were able to talk about what I needed to know. It is like walking on thin ice when you try to re-establish a friendship after a marriage has gone awry - especially with some of our extenuating circumstances- so we were both a little cautious about opening up. Once the first truth was spoken, it was followed by another and another. I heard what I needed to hear - and a couple things I didn't want to hear - but needed to. When they say the truth will set you free, they aren't kidding. Knowing what his thoughts were gave me the information I needed to decide where to start working. Once the problem is identified and named, we can fix it. The weight is off my heart and we have established the working parameter for being friends again.

So FINALLY we are seizure free, eHarmony free, unemployment free - and at peace. Thank you God!

Waiting and waiting

Did you ever just need to know why someone did something - and the question just permeates your thoughts to the point that you would do just about anything to get the question answered?

I have felt that way over the past few days- I want to know why -I just want to have my questions answered before there is no longer the motivation to get them answered. I have mentioned before that I am an excellent starter-wife. Like Good Luck Chuck, I end a long-term relationship and we become friends, talking about things that have happened and performing the autopsy on the relationship - then their next relationship is the one that sticks - but not the one with me. I'm not having a pity party- I am trying to figure out why this happens. Since it is a pattern, there has to be a reason. This is a season where I am trying to really figure out what things I need to change to move on to the next phase of my life- and for once, I thought I could get what I needed- and again, I am left waiting.

I don't know that anyone even has the answers anymore- or that I want to know what the other person actually thinks of me. The downside to knowing someone well is that their opinion actually matters. I really needed to have some questions answered- but instead I still wait.

Waiting waiting waiting - wait for answers, wait for someone to love you back, wait for your time, wait to finish your remodeling, wait to refinance the house, wait for the kids to grow up so that you can do what you want, wait for Christmas, wait for....everything. Sometimes I just get tired of waiting - and when for whatever reason, the person I needed answers from couldn't give them to me, I just broke down and cried in frustration.

I know God will take care of me- and that waiting on Him will be worth it and that He loves me even when I am impatient, but for today I am tired of waiting.

The Long Kiss Goodnight

I started writing this blog over 6 years ago because I was overwhelmed by the possibility that after 3 shitty husbands that there was actually a man who said that I deserved to be treated with care - that I deserved someone to love me. That was what re-ignited the flames for me - got me writing again, gave me hope again. I had a once in a lifetime love my senior year - and I pissed it away like a fool - and everyone after that was settling - until Justin.

He talked to me every night and it was his voice that I heard before I fell asleep. When I needed somewhere safe to take my kids, it was his house I came to. I trusted him - I believed in him - I wanted him to be the knight in shining armor that I had been waiting for. He got me- understood, mostly, that my intentions were good- that I was trying to do the right thing, that I get my feelings hurt so easily. He needed someone to love him through the things he was struggling with and to help him become the person he wanted to be. I thought at last my love had come along. It was us against the world and it felt amazing, we remarked how very lucky we were to have this happy life while laying around on a Sunday afternoon listening to the birds in the backyard.

Then real life set in, and one thing led to another thing which led to arguing and a lack of trust and failures on both our parts and the subsequent 6 years that we have tortured each other by trying to make a relationship work that is just hasn't worked. It has been better since we are living in different houses. This whole thing would be much easier if I didn't love him - really love him - still. Each time we talk or see each other I am reminded of why I fell in love with him in the first place- absence making the heart grow fonder.

I have been so amazed at the transformation he has gone through in the past 6 years, becoming the man I think he wants to be. But his friends are not my friends anymore - and he doesn't run in the same motherly circles that I run in-he doesn't have 7 people at home relying on him- he has only himself.

Last night, Jake and I went to his play, and it was wonderful. He was in his element and I was thoroughly enjoying it. Until I looked down and he was wearing the wedding ring I bought him.
I choked up
and I couldn't stop watching the flash of that diamond as his hand moved
and I kept thinking about the actress playing his wife, wondering if I was that big a jerk when I was his wife. God, I truly hope not.

He walked us around backstage and introduced us to the actors, several of whom commented that they felt like they knew us from Justin's stories. They were kind to me- so they must have been decent stories. I left feeling sad that things for us hadn't worked out - like I do most every time I see him.

He said that we should have just dated forever and not bothered with getting married- and I think because I have heard it so very many times, I was starting to believe that.

Until today.

They say the longest distance is from your head to your heart- this is soooo true. My head decided $5000.00 and two years ago that I just couldn't continue to stay married to Justin and that the relationship was hurting everyone. But apparently my heart didn't get the memo.

I logged in to see some of his production pictures, and there was the update that he is in a relationship.

Seriously, I am not a total idiot, I knew he was dating- and know that I had been dating- but seeing the concrete reality of it hit me in the chest like a 50 pound weight.

I hadn't expected to have any kind of reaction - I've even said that I hoped he was open to finding someone- but I was still ....what....a selfish jerk who isn't happy for him.....surprised.....hoping things would be different during round 17 of trying to date again....delusional.... yeeesh, I don't know. I hadn't given thought to the idea of him sitting across the table from me with someone else as the woman he loved- and now that I have, I don't like it very much, but I realize that this is the reality I face.

But I believe this may be the final part of getting myself healthy. I have been hanging on to the idea that maybe we would work it out after all the kids move away, hoping that he would just wait and that we would both continue growing into the people we are meant to be. He is the person I call when I don't know who else to call - one of my very best friends.

But now, he is in love with someone else and my time in his heart is over - it is not an abstract concept, it is a reality.
All attempts at controlling my love life by finding someone myself have been shut off: no more online dating, no more reaching back to talk to old loves, no more looking.

I am totally reliant upon God to provide a partner for me when the time is right. I have jumped off the edge and my safety net has a new girlfriend, so he isn't going to come after me.

I don't know that I am looking for sympathy - more than anything I hoped that by writing this all down it would make sense to me and that it would serve as a memo to my heart. There is hope. If Justin could break through those walls, maybe there is someone else who will as well.

It has been a long kiss goodbye, my love, but this is finally goodbye.

What would Nellie do?

When I was in the 8th grade, my mom helped with the choreography for South Pacific. I fell in love for the very first time. The sets, the music, the romance, the comedy- and I wanted to be Nellie Forbush. I have seen this movie dozens of times and the play about 10 more- I have the actual vinyl record with all the songs and know most all of the words to every song - love love love this show. Sometimes I actually am that Cockeyed Optimist, immature and incurably green.... But that is not really our topic for tonight- it is refocusing.

A wise person made a comment that perhaps I should consider letting my situation with a particular man just work itself out - that letting it alone might be the best thing. I wasn't really open to that and then the most wonderful thing happened. Three nights ago, I was reading a blog post on the LifeTeen website written by a single girl. She mentioned that when we are single, we can get so tied up in wondering when our love will come along and we can live our "happily ever after" that we miss the real point of that time alone: to spend it seeking the will of God - to determine our impact on the world, to do His work. No one can have two masters- and a woman who is married has her husband as the primary focus of her heart, conversely, a woman who is not married can have God as her primary focus. She can keep trying to fill that void by finding someone, or she can go about what He has asked her to do and when it is time for her to have a partner, he'll show up.

I had a huge revelation about my previous romantic involvements about a week ago, and it wasn't pretty. Figuring out the role you play in a trainwreck never is- but it was enlightening and I have chosen to learn from it and not repeat it. (it is about flipping time that I figured this out as it has vexed me for a very long time) I always tell my kids that you shouldn't be an ass just because you can- and I think I am finally heeding my own advice.

Other than keeping the man in question as my friend on FB, I have cut all other ties to trying to find someone and I have resolved not to initiate any communication with him at all. I dropped off eHarmony - deleted my profile, deleted any status that indicated I was single or looking, and have removed myself from all internet- dating related sites.

I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair....thats What Nellie Would Do.

Listen, either I believe that God loves me and that He is able to create the heavens and certainly is the only One who knows where my partner might be- or I don't. If I ask for rain and don't bring an umbrella, what kind of faith is that? Well, it isn't- it is just words that don't mean a hill of beans.

So here I go - out on a ledge- looking over the precipice and deciding to let Someone else guide my steps ( for someone who is used to being independent, this is a BIG precipice). He has something that I need to do- so many opportunities keep presenting themselves and we keep getting asked weekend after weekend to give our time to someone- too many occurences to be a coincidence- has to be more than that.

I have gone back to reading Valtorte- right now I am reading the 5th book which is the Passion and Death. I am laser focused on my work and my kids and my life, trying to figure out exactly where God wants me to be next - and I feel FREE!!!!!!!

Little Loners

So these are my kids and although I have moments where I wonder how I am going to get through- most of the time I am just in awe of what remarkable people they have become.

I am 5'10"
Jerra is at least 5'11"
Josh on the left is 6'1"
Jake is leaning in on the right - he is 6'31/2" as of this week

I love this picture because the boys seem to dwarf Jerra- which is so weird because she had been taller than them forever - and now a few hormones and viola!

10 foot Titans in a 6 foot world

Do you remember when you grew into the adult sized body that you have now? Ever since I can remember, I thought I was huge- like Jolly Green Giant type huge. I walk loudly, I make noise in the kitchen, I slam the door- like someone who isn't aware of their own strength even today. I remember many many times that my folks would tell me not to walk so heavily or not to tear off the door to the car. Along with this feeling of being 10 feet tall in a 6 foot world, comes the gawkiness of banging into things. I have a nearly constant bruise on either a hip or an ankle- often times both.

I cannot begin to tell you the number of stitches I have had-and three sets that I remember right off the top of my head occured doing dishes where I caught a knife or shattered a cup and then picked it up like a rocket scientist. This week my graceful moves included running over my debit card in a drive thru and pouring boiling water into a plastic jug in an attempt to make tea. This last feat involved watching as the tea bags leapt for their lives out of the top of the pitcher and the bottom of the pitcher imitated a rogue Shrinky Dink: becoming smaller by the second and scaring the wits out of me. I only regret not having it on video because I was genuinely shocked that it didn't work out. It is unfortunately a familial trait.

Bear went through a time where she was always bumping something - or worse, dropping a glass in the kitchen. Honestly, I have gone through 18 glasses that were purchased as a wedding present 51/2 years ago- not all of them were Bear, but the majority were. My friend Mary bought me some glasses when Justin moved out - only one brave one remains - and that one is in my bathroom for my vitamins. Just call us Grace.

Joshua has broken a camera, an ipod, an video recorder and numerous other devices in his possession and he cannot say exactly how. Twice he has WALKED on his guitars, requiring costly repairs. This could be carelessness, but it is actually just a symptom of our BIGGER problem.

Jake is in that phase now- where he has grown nearly 7 inches in the past 12 months and he just can't seem to get his spacial perception to match where his body actually is located. We went to the movies tonight and he refilled the popcorn for our drive home. He set it on the counter and when he went to pick it up - it went flying - with most of it landing in the bucket- but a healthy shower of it decorated the floor. The man at Venture was very kind about getting it swept up for us. And if that wasn't enough, when we went to get in the car, he again held the bucket and somehow half of it dumped onto my floorboards - it was too dark to get it cleaned up, so there it will stay until morning. That will be an interesting smell in the morning.

I went to lunch with a friend today and mentioned that I would love to have stone walls- and while they are beautiful, they might be good for us! I have patches in the wall on the way down the stairs from where I turned to quickly and put my elbow through it- another two upstairs where I opened the door too hard and slammed the knob into the door behind it- and my personal favorite: the cutaway shelf that now exists in the hallway where I tripped and put my shoulder through the wall- and fearing it was too big to patch, I just made it into a shelf. If you look closely enough, you'll see some oddities in this house- and most of them are from the Titans banging into the walls....

Technology has now Officially Invaded my Dreams

About two years ago, I had Siruis radio and listened to Mary Occhino quite a bit. I find her fascinating - and her words seem to help people feel better even if the answers she has to give aren't great. I believe that we all have a connection to things we cannot see- whether you call it Fate, or Angels, or Guides or God- it is some intelligent power that connects us to one another as well. She encouraged people to pay attention to their dreams, as sometimes that is the only opportunity when you mind is quiet enough to hear what you need to hear.

That being said, I have journalled my dreams off and on- especially when they are something significant. And I had the most unusual thing happen in my dream last night.

There is this man who I cannot figure out what to do with- I may have mentioned this a zillion times before, sorry - I met him online dating, then followed his e-newsletter, then became his friend on Facebook, then finally met in person. A lot of e-interaction followed by real interaction which is back to e-interaction because of his traveling schedule. Only, even in e-interaction he will have some times that he answers me right away - and then it will be two weeks before I hear anything. So frustrating because that is a clear indication that he is not that into me- which is fine, except then he says things that indicate he is into me. I have concluded that if his tactic is to keep me guessing and make me keep thinking about him as a means of getting my attention- positive or negative- that it is working. I checked last night before I went to bed, answered a couple of messages and realized that he hadn't answered my note. So as I went to sleep, I reminded God that I wanted a man who put Him first and who had a good heart- and that I was still waiting as patiently as I can.

So somewhere in the middle of the night I dreamt that I was in Thailand with this man - I had picked him up in a convertable and we were driving. We had gone a little way up into the hills when I asked what was wrong- his face was contorted in pain. He said we needed to stop for a restroom - and there was a little roadside place with a red and white striped awning where we pulled in. There were rows of Thai people in line waiting to get to this little window to order food- he went around the side to the restroom and I waited in the car. Somehow I got into his Twitter account ( I've never been on Twitter and I have no idea how it works, except that people have accounts) There were numerous updates about me - how he just wasn't interested and wished I get the hint- you get the drift. So I waited for a couple minutes, then pulled away to go up the hill, intending to come back I guess. When I got there, a little old lady gave me a ticket and told me to come in- where she presented me with the most adorable white puppy with curly hair and carrot-colored spots. I can't keep it, but I really want to keep it. How am I going to get her back on the plane with me?
Then the man came walking up the sidewalk which apparently connected the two places. No comment about the fact that I wasn't where he left me. We went in to have dinner in this little Thai place and then I headed back to the airport, puppy in tow and put her on the flight with me.

I've never hacked someone's Twitter account, but if that is what I am gonna find, I'll pass.

I resolved this morning to put the situation with him on a back burner- it is taking up too much of my thought time without any good reason to do so. And I'll keep reminding the Lord that I trust Him to not leave me hanging.

Cyberdating ...or How eHarmony has complicated my life

First let me say that I LOVE the eHarmony commercials where the two lovely people find each other and hit it off. I was especially pleased when they added the older couple - the guy with gray hair was more my speed, frankly. I signed up for eHarmony about two years ago and have kept my profile open for matches, then closed for matches in rotating order. I think it is easier if you date one person at a time so that you can just sort through things. Currently, my matching is off, and it is all because of one of my matches who just tangles me up - I have a strong reaction to him, definite chemistry, I just can't tell if it is a positive or negative reaction.

Currently, I have a couple of situations that are a direct result of my eHarmony experience, but first, let me tell you about my best dates ever. I will say that to the best of my ability I have represented myself honestly- I don't like whiners, I do like football, I have a lot of fun and I am not a bitty girl. I am open to friends, but my experience has been that typically when men and women are friends in close proximity, one or the other of them is interested in something more. I didn't join eHarmony to find more friends- I did it to find someone I am compatible with.

I am sitting now at McDonalds using their WiFi to do some work and now update my little corner of the planet. Next to me is a couple in their late 50s who met on eHarmony- they are speaking about it in hushed tones. Seriously, in this age of electronic friendships, I have given up on bars and moved on to greener pastures and better accessibility. Funny that we still feel squeamish about it.

So here are some of my BEST date experiences:

1. The man who invited me to meet him at the mall as a neutral location. Then proceeded to take me to dinner at the Chinese place in the food court. I was still open to this, until he broke into a 10 minute dissertation on the wonders of Nordstroms and declared that fashion was his life. Then he tried to get me to give him an insulin pump so that he could take it to China and mass reproduce it- ummmmm no.

2. The biker who was quite charming but so very nervous and distracted that I can't even tell you what color his eyes were because we never made eye contact, ever.

3. The IT guy who was also an ex co-worker of my exhusbands. He met the height requirements, his emails looked normal, then we agreed on a restaurant. He had mentioned that he was financially strapped, so I met him for lunch at a local spot that I just love. He used to be a chef. First, he returned his coffee because it was bitter, then his iced tea because it was awful, then complained about the prices on the lunch menu ( under $10). We spent the entire time waiting for our meal with him complaining about the temperature and how I was unfair for saying I didn't want another man who couldn't help with chores around the house. When he refused to eat his lunch, I just couldn't take anymore and offered to pay my own tab.

4. The football coach who had some real potential, but just no spark. He calls me every couple of weeks when he is bored- um, not what I had in mind at all. The deal-breaker for me was when he argued with me over dinner about whether Type 1 Diabetes could be healed by diet - and unfortunately this is my field of expertise. I might have been wrong, but seriously, it was the choice of what to argue about that showed his lack of respect. He is going out this weekend as friends with one of my best girlfriends- maybe he'll have a spark with her.

5. The Trucking Buisiness owner who was charming on the phone, but was not able to pin down a date to get together. I kept talking to him for about two months until he said that his one non-negotiable was a woman who was willing to go get her nails manicured and her hair done every week. Non-negotiable....meant I just couldn't sign up for that one.

6. The renovator who will send me 10 emails one day and then nothing for the next several days. Lots of conversation but after 6 weeks of talking by email, he still hasn't offered to get together. Eh, he's not that in to me anyway, but he has a great sense of humor.

7. Last but not least, the orator. Come here- stay - come here - stay. My current opinion is that either he is already in love with another of his female friends or that I make him nervous and he doesn't know what to do with me. He makes me crazy and has yet to do what I expected - and maybe that is good for me. This is one match, though, that even if nothing else transpires, I have grown personally from the time I have spent with him- I am becoming a better person as a result of our interactions.....yep, he is good for me.

I never in a million years thought I would do online dating - but interstingly, it does give me an avenue to move things at my preferred speed and to get to know people who at least have some similarities. The technology can work- it just hasn't yet, but today could be the day.

possibly shooting myself in the foot....

So I realized tonight as I was talking to my daughter about the aforementioned friend that I may in fact have given him the insight to act upon his feelings for someone else.

There is a little twinge of sorrow because I certainly didn't want to talk him out of liking me- only to being open to love- thought I didn't mention myself as a possible object of that affection.

I did not think about my own situation - and when someone has as many single women friends and acquaintences as this person does....well I didn't even think about the possibility that he might already have someone he was interested in- someone he was just waiting for the right opportunity to express his emotions....and I just encouraged him to do just that.

Honestly, I am laughing at my own total lack of ability to help my own love life here- and if he already has a someone, I certainly don't want to stand in the way. Funny things I do to myself.

I feel kind of like the guy who invents a robot to do his job more efficiently and invents himself right out of a job....


In other news, I finally broke down and checked my Statcounter which you see over to the right. There are a lot of people stopping by whom I don't recognize. If you stop by, I'd love it if you'd leave me a comment - just to say hi!

Change, exchange and love

A friend of mine once said that to change, you have to let the change wash over you and have it's way. It is like the tide washing over you- and you aren't sure in the midst of this torrent whether you have enough air in your lungs to last until the water subsides. Real change is more like exchanging money - you hand over a bill and the person gives you the pesos you need for your purchases. So your inherent value doesn't change, but the usability does change.

I am in that season again.

I am so thankful for what is happening in my children's lives - there is real progress being made and I feel like I am shifting into that phase where I will be on my own before I know it. And there is something wonderful waiting for me there.

The Holy Spirit seems to be really active in my affairs at the present- weird coincidences - strong dreams - and urges to do things that I normally would shy away from. But when I follow through with these directions, my life takes these amazing turns. Please don't misunderstand, this is not my own wisdom- not by any stretch- but it is the willingness to admit that I need Someone else to help with my direction and frankly, God seems to know what He's doing.

I have a friend - and it is a little complicated because I don't know exactly what to do with him - whether I should kiss him or just punch him in the shoulder. He is not what I expected, but the time I spend with him always leaves me wishing for more time. I think the feeling is mutual because our conversations run hot and cold- like he can't decide what to do with me either. I'd love to say this is the person I have been looking for- but honestly, I don't know him well enough to go there and unless I am the person he is looking for, that is irrelevant- so for now, he is my friend.

And that is what my whole revelation was this week. I needed to take care of something in person with him on Sunday and one thing led to another and it just didn't happen. Then Monday came and late in the day he sent me a text saying it was handled. I was already on my way over, so I prayed about it- like I always do when I am in a position to embarrass myself- and the answer came that I should just go over. (Now if by some chance my friend were to read this, I already know I am a terrible liar and that you knew that I was not telling the truth about the text message, sorry, I needed to see you).

When I walked in, I could see that he was frazzled and tired. He invited me in anyway. As we talked it finally came out that he was having some troubles with his ex. Man, have I been there.
The one advantage I had, however, was the wise counsel from my dad. He said that just because two people are no longer married, that it doesn't release them from the vows to love honor and cherish. That we are still bound to love to the best of our ability, the person who used to be our partner. That is a pretty steep order, but what I found is that when this is your guiding principle, it is a lot easier to handle an ex- even one who is being a total ass. We say all the time that just because someone else is acting like an ass, doesn't mean that we get to. And it is true.
I do not always like my ex, and often I have a difficult time respecting him at all as a result of his choices and his ongoing behaviors, but I am called to love him where he is. So I do.

And that brings me to the transformation point. As I was driving home, I realized that even if this man and I were never romantically involved, that I still needed him to know that his experience with love was not all there is. I've been through trying to earn someone's affection and love by paying their mortgage, putting up with infidelity, not pressuring them to be fiscally responsible and going to churches I didn't love at all. NONE of these behaviors earned me love- I got affection, I received thanks- but they never gave me the the sincere adoration of who I was as a person- only admiration for the tasks I had completed or the kindness I had shown. I have spent a seriously long time fooling myself into thinking that someone loved me when in fact, I set us both up for failure. Who wouldn't want to be with someone who was focused on meeting your every need with little consideration for their own needs. Yeesh, sign me up for that!

Seriously, this only occurred to me the other night.

And as a result, I wrote him a note, an excerpt of which I will share with you because for one moment, I stopped worrying about whether he would like me - or want to be with me -and was honestly concerned that he not give up on love - I think I wrote this to myself as well:

I hear a deep longing in your words to be loved and accepted for who you are as a man, not just as a friend. I see how people have "loved" you and I want you to know it doesn't have to be that way. Some people start by loving, rather than making you jump through hoops to earn their affection. Personally, I like those folks, they remind me of how Jesus loves.

That ache you want to fill will find a cure someday, I'm sure of it. There will be a day when you look up and realize that the person before you sees the real you and likes you anyway. Love sees you, and doesn't ask you to earn the right to be loved. It is incredibly liberating when this happens, and your heart will just open up unbidden.

And so it was that Monday night I finally reached the transformation point- finally reached the point that I understood that no amount of trying or putting up with hardship or opening myself up to new venues was going to bring me the l0ve I so desired- that I have been getting in my own way by trying to earn it. I feel at peace with this whole thing finally - and not just in my head, but all the way down to my heart. So for the opportunity to let the Holy Spirit give me the gift of understanding, I thank you, my friend, for opening the door, for letting me in, and for sharing your heart which in turn helped me heal mine.

Sometimes

Some people are called to do great things- me - I think my life is designed to be a warning to others.

Seriously.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I have been called to do. I spend a lot of time explaining how I handled a certain thing- how it blew up- and how I avoided it the next time. Funny, kind of, unless it is you in the middle of the muck all the time!

So I am thinking of writing a book on single parenting...looking back on what I've learned after doing this for nearly 25 years.

What do you think? All they could say is no- and then I am no worse off than what I am now.

And tonight, I will start the first chapter- after I am done having a lovely dinner and good times with my friends.

AMAZING- BREAK THE RECORD DAY!!!

It is with a humble heart that I tell you that today is BREAK THE RECORD DAY!!!!

We went to Cleveland Clinic 6 weeks ago, and as of TODAY Jake has gone over 6 weeks without a seizure-breaking our previous record which was 1 day short of 6 weeks. His medication is working! We are well on our way to the 52 weeks that he needs to get his learner's permit - which in his view as a nearly 16-year old, is probably the most important thing ever.

Cannot begin to express how very thankful I am. Honestly, I can tell you that this is not my best literary work because I am just to darn elated to worry much about how it sounds. The happiness feels like it is pouring out of my fingers and the grin on my face like a Roman Candle on the Fourth of July!!! Lord help the souls I see today, I am giddy as a schoolgirl and will be intolerably happy ALL DAY.

I am eternally thankful that the Lord has kept His promise when He said He had plans for us,plans to prosper and not to harm us. I am thankful that He still loved us when I lost it there in the hospital room and said some choice words to Him. Forgiveness is a powerful entity. I am soooo thankful to those who have prayed for us- complete strangers who lifted Jake up to Our Father in prayer, asking for healing. Thankful for the man, whose name I don't even know, who told his Rosary Group that he was praying for a total healing for Jake-his prayers are being answered. Thankful for those people who thought of us, sent us notes, gave us hope and something to believe in when it didn't seem like there was much to be thankful for.

I am thankful that He has seen fit to allow us to start back to a normal life again- a life without the fear that totally without warning, Jake will plummet to the floor and start seizing. We have lived with almost 2 years of unpredictable seizures, having the confidence that he can make it more than half an hour without us checking on him has been so liberating for everyone in my household. I cannot express the joy and hope that come along with seeing him thrive and actively work on getting his life back to a NORMAL teenager's life.

In celebration, we are headed to the Golden Corrall for dinner- for those of you NOT hosting teenaged boys in your house, it is an all you can eat buffett with tons of good food - and lots of desserts that I just don't keep here in the house- so Jake will be in Heaven.

It was that nagging voice in the back of my head, which is the Holy Spirit at work, which prompted me to take him to Cleveland, spending money we didn't have to get there. And as usual, the Holy Spirit provided understanding of the situation and a clarity that I didn't posess.

I am so extraordinarily blessed to have Jake as my son. His gentle spirit and willingness to help just astounds me. Sure he has normal teenaged moments, but overall, he is just a joy.

He has decided that he would like to go back to High school now, a big shift in plans as we have been preparing him to take his GED in a couple of months. He wants to play football- The Replacements, The Blind Side and about a dozen other football movies have occupied his attention of late- and at 6'3" 260# it seems like a great outlet for him.

However this whole epilepsy situation plays out long-term, I for one am thankful that for today, we are seizure free for 6 weeks! Thank you, Lord from that place in my heart that You know is true.

Joys of a Very Plain Life

I have a couple of close friends who live nearby. Sometimes, my adventures with them are just so exciting that I forget that I live a very mundane life.


Last weekend, my friend's kids were just on her last nerve- as kids are wont to do. When I walked in her kitchen she looks me in the eye and says: I was really upset a couple minutes ago, but now I've had a Lexapro and I feel just fine". She swears it works that fast ( placebo effect is all that works that fast)


Then we were at the park cultivating our tans and walking around while the kids played basketball. There was a man who got his two HUGE dogs out of the car, after putting down a little pink matt for them to hop down on. He proceeded to walk them around in his tan non-descript outfit- not bothering anyone. As he goes to load them back in the car, my friend says: "See that guy? He is definitely a child molester, it is a good thing we're here!" And I had to laugh - we are at the park with 15-18 year old teenaged boys- not sure who would want to steal them - but I'd be willing to bet they could take care of them himself.



There was also a very handsome young Hispanic man who was walking with his daughter. Broad muscular shoulders peeked out from his red t-shirt. I was about to remark that he was handsome- and then- I noticed his pants. Honestly, I think his wife knows he is handsome and quite possibly told him they looked great on him. I swear they were made out of that red and white tablecloth material. Nice. Checkerboard shorts as protection against wandering eyes at the park. Good call.


The final straw came when this little tiny Asian girl came walking past with a group of friends. My friend looks at me- I know the comment is coming - but there is nothing I can do to stop this. We are both chubby middle-aged Irish girls- curves are a part of our makeup. She looks at me and says: You know what we need to do? We need to figure out the gene that makes Asian people thin and bottle it. We could win the Nobel Prize."

When God moved from Abstract Idea to Reality

I have been listening to Mark Hart, the "Bible Geek" a lot lately, and in a series he did on knowing Christ he hit upon something that I have never been able to put into words, exactly.

I have lots of friends who believe- they know that God is real- they try to live a moral life- but the whole idea of a personal relationship with Christ is abstract at best. Not that they don't listen to the preaching or that they discount what they learn, only it is still in their heads and not in their hearts.

Mark said repeatedly that the longest distance for any Christian is the distance between their head and their heart. So very true.

I grew up Catholic- spent 12 years in Catholic school where there was daily religion class and Mass several times a week. My head "got" what I believed and at times, it reached my heart, but not always.

I love to read other perspectives on being Christian- I have a whole bookshelf in my house devoted to religious writing - from the New Agey stuff like Women who Run with the Wolves, to the lives of the saints, the writing of Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa and Saint Augustine- he's one of my favorites. But I also read Max Lucado, Gary Smalley, James Dobson, TD Jakes and a dozen other preachers who send email newsletters which serve as inspiration. I read Black Elk and Sitting Bull and publications about the Red Road- which sound a lot like St Francis of Asissi.

None of these things are the reason Christianity is not an abstract concept to me - though they help keep the relationship healthy.

Mark hit it on the head ( I'm paraphrasing here)
It is not until you have faced suffering and death as a reality in your life - until you NEED a SAVIOR and not just a buddy or a listening ear that you truly know Jesus. When we are at that point of desperation and we feel the magic fortifying power of His Grace- in that moment where we surely could not have stood alone, that we know Him as reality, In that moment, He goes from public figure to intimate friend.

It is then that we stop questioning whether a group of first century fishermen were willing to create a religious movement, leave their families and their hometowns, and be brutally put to death for their beliefs. In that moment where we intensely feel the hand of Christ upon our lives, it all makes sense. It wasn't their belief in the movement- it was their belief in Jesus- in who He was to them - the breathing- talking- laughing-joking- charismatic- man's man who walked the roads with them. They didn't die to promote a religion or a church or a building or a theocracy, but they would certainly die to follow the teaching of their friend.

I have friends like that - ones that I would go to bat for no matter what - ones that I would die for - I imagine you do too. Funny thing is, no matter how much I try, I will fail these friends at least once- maybe a dozen times even though I love them. It is the same with with being Jesus' friend. We all fail - and each time we do, He is there and willing to forgive.

I have faced death way more times than I should have - with a baby who would stop breathing - then a teenager who would seize in the most inopportune locations which put his life at risk. I have had 2 people try to kill me - not just the Ogre, but my first husband as well. I have sat awake all night watching over my kids to make sure that no harm came to them, like some figure out of WWII sitting in a bunker waiting for the enemy to come storming in. I have held the hands of a dozen dying people when I worked at the hospital and faced Death when talking to my dad about his imminent passing. Maybe that isn't more than other folks- some peolple see more death than that before their 2nd birthday - but for me, it was in those times that I needed a savior- a deliverer- a hero to swoop in and save me.
And He did, just like any good friend would do.

I know the plans I have for you

It has been over a month now since I took Jake to Cleveland Clinic to evaluate his epilepsy. Surgery was denied, my heart was broken for him, and yet in the midst of that there is always hope.

Last Saturday, while watching Notre Dame play he looked over at me and said " I really miss playing football".

and my heart fluttered a little bit.

and I thought about what it would be like to re-enroll him in high school
and what a royal pain all that was for me
but how very much he loved it.

And the answer just came out of my mouth: well, if you want to go back and play, we could make that happen.

Jake is in the midst of his growth spurt- at his last visit with the neurologist two weeks ago he was 6'3" and 260#. He is a massive human being - perfect size, though, for a lineman or any other Paul Bunyan sized job you might need done.

Back in June, he was in the pool and had a seizure as he was coming out of the pool. Our friends, Nick and Jim Auby happened to be at pool right as it happened. Jake, being a substantial person who was now dead weight, needed to be pushed and pulled out of the water. Thank God that Jim and Nick were there to help Brady and I get him out of the water.

The beauty of this possibility is that if Jake were to go back to school and play ball, he would be an offensive lineman responsible for protecting Nick Auby, who will be the quarterback in the same age-group. Seems only fair, doesn't it.

So then there is the question of letting someone with epilepsy play football- I googled it- there are about a dozen pro players who have well controlled epilepsy- and tons more who play high school and college ball successfully.

We have had a month without a seizure- and he feels good - and he is sleeping well- and for right now, he has the potential to get a normal ( thought well medicated) life back. Makes sense that he would want one.

There is a passage in Jeremiah that I have thought of often during these days of uncertainty: I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a bountiful life and a future. Those words give me comfort - and in the -past couple of days as I am thinking about sending him back to school, I wonder if this was perhaps the plan all along. We shall see.

Loner's Leap

I used to call the little farm we had on our acreage Loner's Ridge, fashioned loosely after the Ridge in Diana Gabaldon's Outlander Series of books. That whole time seems like eons ago- no more husband, no more rushing to get to high school in the morning, no more little kids- they all tower over me now with Jake pushing 6'3". There is a season of peace- more time to sit around a bon fire and less time spent worrying about silly stuff. See the lounge chair in this picture? It came from the lake house in Buffalo, Indiana when my mom sold the house. My father made those chairs and they are more precious than gold to me.
I like living here unfettered, though the lonliness creeps in and I miss having a special someone, it is nice to have things the way I want them most of the time. There is a freedom in having a couple of acres to walk through in the morning.

Today was a perfect example- I got up with the dawn, made coffee, fed the dogs and then went out to the yard with my pruning shears. My privet bushes are over 6'tall now, so they needed a little trim. My cherry and nectarine trees are spreading out over the paths, so they needed a little trim as well. The fruit trees have been a pleasant surprise since moving to Georgia, they really grow well. I even took some peach pits from my canning adventure last year and planted those, to see what would happen. Not all of them took, but four of them did, and I have 4 lovely peach sapplings to show for it. So now we have: 1 Nectarine, 10 peach, 2 cherry, 4 pear, 3 apple, 2 plum, 3 fig, 2 pecan, and 2 persimmon trees. Thank God we have 3 acres. As I typed this I just realized that I am really making my dream of having a little orchard a reality. Huh, funny how those little things all add up. There are muscadine vines, elderberry bushes, blueberry bushes and blackberry canes all waiting for next year's harvest. The whole yard seems to be settling in for the winter, ready for rest, ready for the peace that is winter here, and awaiting the possibilities of spring. Seems like the garden has the right idea. We have renamed the house to Loner's Leap- as each day is a leap of faith- trusting in the Lord's provision. And He never disappoints us.

Just a moment of complete honesty and then back to our regular program.

My friend, YoJ did a post where you are able to say the absolute truth to someone without identifying who they are. I thought about it all afternoon, and my absolute truth is for three people- and it is nearly the exact same truth:

Do not waste your chances at having someone who loves you. You will never be thin enough or healthy enough or strong enough to be ready for love. It is a gift given to those who accept it when it alights in your life. There are those who miss it, and regret it later when they realize the treasure they had right in their hands.

I have done that once and have paid the price- it is invaluable to have someone who thinks you are the world- and it is exceptionally rare. Do not turn away a soul which is not in the package you anticipated. Be open to the miracle of love.

You are throwing away chances that do NOT come along every couple of days, and in so doing, mocking the love you so desperately desire. Stop playing games, ignoring calls and messages, stop bouncing between the idea that maybe you are better alone and that you are really lonely. Stop worrying about what other people say or if you can do better. Everybody needs somebody- that need doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.

I can guarantee that there will be hard times - and times when one or both people wonder what in the heck they have gotten themselves into and then think about leaving. There will be heartaches and pain and overwhelming joy and peace all in the same day sometimes. But most important, there is the deep knowledge that if the opportunity passes, we will be missing out on an amazing blessing that isn't doled out every day- and the only people to blame will be ourselves.

And now for the second part, to this person, you know who you are, I need to say these things: just be true. If you want to see me, then please let me know that. I don't want to wait to spend time with you when you are stronger. It is not your former persona that I want to be with - I didn't know that guy at all - it is who you are right now- flaws and all that has my attention. One human to another. Pick up the phone and let me hear your voice.