Change, exchange and love

A friend of mine once said that to change, you have to let the change wash over you and have it's way. It is like the tide washing over you- and you aren't sure in the midst of this torrent whether you have enough air in your lungs to last until the water subsides. Real change is more like exchanging money - you hand over a bill and the person gives you the pesos you need for your purchases. So your inherent value doesn't change, but the usability does change.

I am in that season again.

I am so thankful for what is happening in my children's lives - there is real progress being made and I feel like I am shifting into that phase where I will be on my own before I know it. And there is something wonderful waiting for me there.

The Holy Spirit seems to be really active in my affairs at the present- weird coincidences - strong dreams - and urges to do things that I normally would shy away from. But when I follow through with these directions, my life takes these amazing turns. Please don't misunderstand, this is not my own wisdom- not by any stretch- but it is the willingness to admit that I need Someone else to help with my direction and frankly, God seems to know what He's doing.

I have a friend - and it is a little complicated because I don't know exactly what to do with him - whether I should kiss him or just punch him in the shoulder. He is not what I expected, but the time I spend with him always leaves me wishing for more time. I think the feeling is mutual because our conversations run hot and cold- like he can't decide what to do with me either. I'd love to say this is the person I have been looking for- but honestly, I don't know him well enough to go there and unless I am the person he is looking for, that is irrelevant- so for now, he is my friend.

And that is what my whole revelation was this week. I needed to take care of something in person with him on Sunday and one thing led to another and it just didn't happen. Then Monday came and late in the day he sent me a text saying it was handled. I was already on my way over, so I prayed about it- like I always do when I am in a position to embarrass myself- and the answer came that I should just go over. (Now if by some chance my friend were to read this, I already know I am a terrible liar and that you knew that I was not telling the truth about the text message, sorry, I needed to see you).

When I walked in, I could see that he was frazzled and tired. He invited me in anyway. As we talked it finally came out that he was having some troubles with his ex. Man, have I been there.
The one advantage I had, however, was the wise counsel from my dad. He said that just because two people are no longer married, that it doesn't release them from the vows to love honor and cherish. That we are still bound to love to the best of our ability, the person who used to be our partner. That is a pretty steep order, but what I found is that when this is your guiding principle, it is a lot easier to handle an ex- even one who is being a total ass. We say all the time that just because someone else is acting like an ass, doesn't mean that we get to. And it is true.
I do not always like my ex, and often I have a difficult time respecting him at all as a result of his choices and his ongoing behaviors, but I am called to love him where he is. So I do.

And that brings me to the transformation point. As I was driving home, I realized that even if this man and I were never romantically involved, that I still needed him to know that his experience with love was not all there is. I've been through trying to earn someone's affection and love by paying their mortgage, putting up with infidelity, not pressuring them to be fiscally responsible and going to churches I didn't love at all. NONE of these behaviors earned me love- I got affection, I received thanks- but they never gave me the the sincere adoration of who I was as a person- only admiration for the tasks I had completed or the kindness I had shown. I have spent a seriously long time fooling myself into thinking that someone loved me when in fact, I set us both up for failure. Who wouldn't want to be with someone who was focused on meeting your every need with little consideration for their own needs. Yeesh, sign me up for that!

Seriously, this only occurred to me the other night.

And as a result, I wrote him a note, an excerpt of which I will share with you because for one moment, I stopped worrying about whether he would like me - or want to be with me -and was honestly concerned that he not give up on love - I think I wrote this to myself as well:

I hear a deep longing in your words to be loved and accepted for who you are as a man, not just as a friend. I see how people have "loved" you and I want you to know it doesn't have to be that way. Some people start by loving, rather than making you jump through hoops to earn their affection. Personally, I like those folks, they remind me of how Jesus loves.

That ache you want to fill will find a cure someday, I'm sure of it. There will be a day when you look up and realize that the person before you sees the real you and likes you anyway. Love sees you, and doesn't ask you to earn the right to be loved. It is incredibly liberating when this happens, and your heart will just open up unbidden.

And so it was that Monday night I finally reached the transformation point- finally reached the point that I understood that no amount of trying or putting up with hardship or opening myself up to new venues was going to bring me the l0ve I so desired- that I have been getting in my own way by trying to earn it. I feel at peace with this whole thing finally - and not just in my head, but all the way down to my heart. So for the opportunity to let the Holy Spirit give me the gift of understanding, I thank you, my friend, for opening the door, for letting me in, and for sharing your heart which in turn helped me heal mine.