Gun Anxiety

Saturday afternoon I was out wandering the streets and we saw a sign for a gun show. Not my normal fare, but I was up for the adventure.

So...

we get to the fairgrounds parking lot and find that we have entered into the wrong place. We pull around following the arrows only to find they are directing us to a parking deck that is not related to teh gun show- or to anything else as far as I can see. We back up and go to the gate, which is now bolted closed. We are not supposed to be here. There is no where to go as the normal pathways are strewn with lights for what I can only assume is an evening light show which involves driving around a parking lot looking at colored bulbs. Welcome to Georgia... sorry, I digress. Eventually after pulling through a number of turns and finding locked gate after locked gate, we moved some lights and cut across the parking lot to the gun show, only to find it was closing for the night. A bigbusted bleached blonde gal at the door assured us that we could come again tomorrow. alright then.

My friend has a very small convertable- beautiful piece of equipment, but when you put Jake who is 6'3" and me 5'10" into this car, well it is like clowns at the circus- amusing at the very least. I think it is charming that he thinks we are small enough to fit in this car- we are not. Sardines. So the three of us loaded up and headed to the Gun Show. Not sure what I expected, though I knew it would be an adventure.

Dad had a Remington rifle that we would take out and shoot at the lakehouse- my mom has it now. Justin had a pistol, and I never felt comfortable with it- either because of issues with him or issues gun itself- not sure. When he left, the gun left with him. I have never had a gun - except the air-soft guns that Jake is enamored of. And two weeks ago, Jake managed to shoot himself in the foot with his new BBgun- with a lead pellet no less- so my experience with guns is limited, but I am open to the idea. Key word here is the "idea" of a gun. I found it very disconcerting when I placed a Glock in my hand and actually liked how it felt. There was a certain amount of connection- and when I moved to the Smith and Wesson revolver, it was even worse...or better...I'm still not sure exactly. There is something primally alluring about a weapon of destruction- like holding the balance of life and death in your hands. I liked the guns. But still at this point, they are not loaded, they are not in my house, they are still just an idea.

We wandered around the gun show for nearly 4 hours- ran into used-car salesmen, ex military guys, Bubbas, and rampant testosterone - quite the people-watching occasion. It was fascinating. There were a couple of guys who had very clearly made a life's work out of defending the nation by using that weaponry- knives and swords and guns of every shape imaginable. There was a cloud over their eyes - and it made me wonder if the old saying is true - that to take a life requires losing a piece of your soul.

We dropped Jake off and then entered into a realm that I have not allowed myself to go to: should I have a gun in the house- a real gun- with the very real ability to kill someone.

well, there's a question for you.

We live in a country with the right to bear arms. We have had the need of a gun for protection before- and I have considered that if we lived a more rural existance, I would need a shotgun. Buckshot seems less lethal and more of an option for scaring off coyotes, the noise alone would get an intruders attention. But the idea of a handgun just makes me nervous. They seem so much more lethal - and that is the point.

I tried out a handgun and a rifle both, trying to aim and shoot, trying to maneuver around a barrier, and I have to say, there were real advantages to the mobility of the handgun. Seems a lot more functional. My anxiety level was through the roof, knowing that even though the guns were not loaded, that I was still hodling something with the power to take a life- and holding this at a friend's house- just didn't seem like a great plan. But I guess if you can't accidentally shoot your friend, then who can you accidentally shoot.

The question was: if someone came to your house to do you or the kids harm, how would you protect them? Run is my first answer, but that may not be my best option. It would be like bringing a gun to a knife fight - great idea, not that helpful. This is a question I need to answer consciously- and in not choosing, I have made a choice not to have a gun in the house. But that may not be the best choice.

So I am letting the idea simmer a little bit.

I am going to go to the shooting range and take a handgun and see if we love each other.

We'll go from there - and if there is some love, we can talk about moving in together.

Have to wait and see.