The Long Kiss Goodnight

I started writing this blog over 6 years ago because I was overwhelmed by the possibility that after 3 shitty husbands that there was actually a man who said that I deserved to be treated with care - that I deserved someone to love me. That was what re-ignited the flames for me - got me writing again, gave me hope again. I had a once in a lifetime love my senior year - and I pissed it away like a fool - and everyone after that was settling - until Justin.

He talked to me every night and it was his voice that I heard before I fell asleep. When I needed somewhere safe to take my kids, it was his house I came to. I trusted him - I believed in him - I wanted him to be the knight in shining armor that I had been waiting for. He got me- understood, mostly, that my intentions were good- that I was trying to do the right thing, that I get my feelings hurt so easily. He needed someone to love him through the things he was struggling with and to help him become the person he wanted to be. I thought at last my love had come along. It was us against the world and it felt amazing, we remarked how very lucky we were to have this happy life while laying around on a Sunday afternoon listening to the birds in the backyard.

Then real life set in, and one thing led to another thing which led to arguing and a lack of trust and failures on both our parts and the subsequent 6 years that we have tortured each other by trying to make a relationship work that is just hasn't worked. It has been better since we are living in different houses. This whole thing would be much easier if I didn't love him - really love him - still. Each time we talk or see each other I am reminded of why I fell in love with him in the first place- absence making the heart grow fonder.

I have been so amazed at the transformation he has gone through in the past 6 years, becoming the man I think he wants to be. But his friends are not my friends anymore - and he doesn't run in the same motherly circles that I run in-he doesn't have 7 people at home relying on him- he has only himself.

Last night, Jake and I went to his play, and it was wonderful. He was in his element and I was thoroughly enjoying it. Until I looked down and he was wearing the wedding ring I bought him.
I choked up
and I couldn't stop watching the flash of that diamond as his hand moved
and I kept thinking about the actress playing his wife, wondering if I was that big a jerk when I was his wife. God, I truly hope not.

He walked us around backstage and introduced us to the actors, several of whom commented that they felt like they knew us from Justin's stories. They were kind to me- so they must have been decent stories. I left feeling sad that things for us hadn't worked out - like I do most every time I see him.

He said that we should have just dated forever and not bothered with getting married- and I think because I have heard it so very many times, I was starting to believe that.

Until today.

They say the longest distance is from your head to your heart- this is soooo true. My head decided $5000.00 and two years ago that I just couldn't continue to stay married to Justin and that the relationship was hurting everyone. But apparently my heart didn't get the memo.

I logged in to see some of his production pictures, and there was the update that he is in a relationship.

Seriously, I am not a total idiot, I knew he was dating- and know that I had been dating- but seeing the concrete reality of it hit me in the chest like a 50 pound weight.

I hadn't expected to have any kind of reaction - I've even said that I hoped he was open to finding someone- but I was still ....what....a selfish jerk who isn't happy for him.....surprised.....hoping things would be different during round 17 of trying to date again....delusional.... yeeesh, I don't know. I hadn't given thought to the idea of him sitting across the table from me with someone else as the woman he loved- and now that I have, I don't like it very much, but I realize that this is the reality I face.

But I believe this may be the final part of getting myself healthy. I have been hanging on to the idea that maybe we would work it out after all the kids move away, hoping that he would just wait and that we would both continue growing into the people we are meant to be. He is the person I call when I don't know who else to call - one of my very best friends.

But now, he is in love with someone else and my time in his heart is over - it is not an abstract concept, it is a reality.
All attempts at controlling my love life by finding someone myself have been shut off: no more online dating, no more reaching back to talk to old loves, no more looking.

I am totally reliant upon God to provide a partner for me when the time is right. I have jumped off the edge and my safety net has a new girlfriend, so he isn't going to come after me.

I don't know that I am looking for sympathy - more than anything I hoped that by writing this all down it would make sense to me and that it would serve as a memo to my heart. There is hope. If Justin could break through those walls, maybe there is someone else who will as well.

It has been a long kiss goodbye, my love, but this is finally goodbye.