Sleep Deprivation for a Good Cause

I was reminded this morning that sometimes I get so busy looking at the trees that I miss the actual forest. This isn't new to me- since I deal with insulin all day long, it is not uncommon for me to get really focused on one issue or one adjustment and then bring that out to examine the bigger picture.

I have a new friend, well, he is quite possibly an old friend and if you believe in past lives, he was probably my friend before as well. Easy conversation which makes the time pass deceptively fast echoes the conversations I have with my closest girlfriends - women I have known for almost half my life. That is a rarity. I have had male friends before who were a lot of fun to engage in conversation- honestly, it is a prerequisite to romance for me now - but this conversation has a level of honestly and transparency that I haven't seen before. It is intriguing - and given the phase I am in right now, it is also moving me forward.

I hadn't realized the amount of time we have spent together, since most of that time is followed by wanting to spend more time and ask more questions, but as it worked out, I have seen him 10 days in a row.
huh?
how is that even possible? I have tons of work- full time job and full time gig with the kids-and I just don't have time.
But apparently I do - and that may be the reason for my sleep deprivation.

I also learned that I do not protect my heart from being broken just because I don't admit to loving someone. It's true: I am selfish about the "I LOVE YOU" words. Don't get me wrong, I certainly have people that I love and I fall quickly and stay there eternally. After where I have been, I have been busy protecting my heart with a piece of waxed paper rather than a shield. Somehow I thought that if I didn't say the words, it would somehow keep my heart from feeling them. Okay - I know this sounds daft- but I actually believed it on some level. I had decided that I would not say those words again for a very long time. But I was called on this particular brand of BS and upon examination, I saw that he was correct: it was BS. I love people- I just do - I love talking with them and seeing them interact and people watching- I am just fascinated by them- and because I am able to see my oneness with them, I love.

I've been thinking a lot about the barriers I have set before myself over the years. Feelings of guilt over failed relationships, things I should have done better as a mother, everyday shortcomings - all became barriers between me and my ability to see myself accurately. It occurred to me that if God is able to see everything that I do and love me both because and in spite of my failings, that I might consider doing this in His image as well: "You are forgiven everything because I love you completely" ( not sure where I read this but it has made all the difference.)
I was willing to forgive people who fell short, who physically hurt me, who were the other party in my failed relationships - those were easy. Forgiving myself was more difficult.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes has a section in Women Who Run With the Wolves where she describes making a map of those key moments in your life which changed its course or caused you to change the way you looked at yourself. Then marking those places with a little cross- like the ones you see beside the road in the Southwest and in Central America. This honors and acknowledges the place on the path where your life changed. Acknowledging that even those mistakes were made with the information you had available then - with the version of yourself that you had then- and they seemed like a good idea at the time. Might not be the same thing we would do now- but we are not in the same place as we were then- so who knows. But they deserve honor because they have shifted who we are to get us to here and now - to our current version. ( I know I like this version of me much better than the 24-year-old version, though her decisions had a big impact on who I am now).

Forgiveness came when I realized that the only way to stop being tethered to that version of me was to stop agonizing over what I had been and move forward. Can't move forward while looking back. And interestingly enough, in looking forward, I am able to change things so that I don't repeat those same mistakes.

And that is where I am this morning - little sleepy- lots to do- but pleased at my choice. I am spending time with someone who is challenging me a better version of myself just by being with him.

The moon is made of shiny paper...

Did you see the moon tonight?

I mean, I am not wholly sure that the moon you saw overhead was the same blue-white with a dark navy sky behind it and a little puff of white clouds at it's feet, just reflecting the irridescent white, but that was the moon we had tonight.

When I look up, I realize just how small I really am in the scheme of things. I will never be a great orator - or a great influencer of societal trends - or a movie star - but I hope, that to my little group of friends, I have led a life that brings value to theirs.

The moon casts its light on all of us, whether we are free or enslaved, rich or poor, in cool temperatures or in sweltering heat, in sickness or in health. It doesn't pick favorites- it is an equal opportunity blessing.

A few months ago, I had a falling out with one of my very best friends. We have been friends and struggled through single parenting together since Jake was a baby- so for over 15 years.

Our paths have diverged and during a visit to Indy last June, we fought over something stupid which escalated into something very serious and we haven't spoken to one another since. I have called to apologize and have tried to reopen the lines of communication - but to no avail. Sometimes there is just too much damage to repair, and I may just have to accept that we are at that point in our relationship. It is sad, though.

I remember when we lived in Arizona that the moon and the stars were so astounding that it seemed you could keep driving up the mountain and touch them. They were more numerous and clear there than anywhere I have ever been before or since. No valuables according to material wealth, but the beauty of the land and the sky are unsurpassed.

I loved to watch the moon and spent many hours staring up looking for answers when we moved to Georgia. I told the Ogre story today and was surprised by just how emotional I still am in the telling of it. Maybe I should write a book. As I was talking about my dad sitting outside on the porch at the lake house cleaning his rifle, I remember the sheen of the moonlight in the curls of his hair. I remember feeling so comforted by his watch over us that I was finally able to collapse and release the fear I had that day- and there was a LOT of fear.

Each day we are given the ability to start over - to make new choices - to have new dreams.

I once had a dream of a conventional life with a conventional man who loved me and three college-bound kids in tow. That didn't work out so well - so I have let go of that dream and sent it back to the moon for some other woman to fulfill. I dreamed then of an unconventional man as well, but that doesn't seem to be working out very well either. Tonight as I finish up my day, I will pray for a dream to direct me in this next chapter of my life - to help me see where I should be going and to help me be the best duck in my little pond that I can be.

Goodnight, Moon.

ePiC FaiLUrE

When my dad was dealing with Lymphoma, he started doing a lot of reading about possible medical, holistic, and dietary influences on the progression of cancers. We have always been proponents of good nutrition and supplementation. About that same time, I had read about Suzanne Somers and her remarkable ordeal with breast cancer - where she allowed the surgery to remove the tumor, but refused to have the subsequent chemotherapy. She used appropriate nutrition, supplementation and bioidentical hormone replacement therapy to make her body healthy.

I have always love her work, so when I found out that she had several books with deal with hormone replacement and aging, I bought them and read through them hungrily . While I am not a proud woman, and I am not afraid to grow older, I need to stay healthy because there are people who depend on me.


So over the years I have seen a couple of good holistic practitioners who have started me on a variety of meds based on my vitamin deficiencies: Tumeric, Vitamin D, Omega 3, CoQ10, Selenium and a multivitamin for good measure. I also added progesterone after my hysterectomy to assure that my hormones were in line- because before that they were not. I think they are working out well because I am rarely sick and I feel really good most all of the time - even if I don't get enough sleep.

I switched compounding pharmacies and in the confusion of calling my prescriptions in, the hormones got switched. About 5 weeks ago, when I met a man who I actually liked AND respected - I started taking estrogen twice a day. So by the third day on this regimen, I have roughly the hormones of a woman in her 7th month of pregnancy. Super. Emotional, crying for no reason, taking everything personally, having trouble sleeping and concentrating. I can totally see it now - of course, hindsight is 20/20.

I was talking with my friend, Mary, on Friday, and she pointed out that I was more emotional than usual- I called the pharmacy and asked about the Rx as it is the only thing I take by prescription. I had missed my Friday night and Saturday doses already- so when I got the message on Sunday morning that it had been just estrogen - I was....well I was upset.

It is very possible that I was at my worst-possible emotional state for the past month- the exact time when I needed to be strong for my family and take care of Jake and when I had the potential to get to know someone who had all the qualities I was looking for.

I read back through my notes to him -and I sounded like an ass - like a 12-year old who was mad about not getting her way and not getting enough attention. Not my best-self at all.

So I sent him a note and apologized - said I had been an ass - and hoped that he would forgive me. I don't know if he will - or if I will ever hear from him again.

That is something I will regret - or maybe think of wistfully as it certainly wasn't an error I made on purpose or with the intention of destructing things.

But I did learn an important lesson - that if something feels off, I should trust my instincts and not just blame the circumstances. I thought all the emotional blathering was a result of worrying about my son - but even though I am not thrilled about the outcome, I knew the entire time that God would watch over us - and He did. That was a poor explanation for my weird emotional state. I need to look deeper and more objectively if I doubt myself again. The lesson I learned is that I need to trust where I have been - and I need to trust myself.

This morning's readings were the story of the Prodigal Son - a do over, so to speak. I resolved in my heart that I am going to stop worrying about being alone - while still praying for my future partner and his well-being - because He is watching over me and He can make things work out in this next do-over even if I can't.