Luck and the Ladykiller

For work I am blessed to cover this little town nestled in the North Georgia Mountains which seems to attract all the elderly drug dealers, hippies, and braniacs from the rest of the state.  It is such an eclectic spot that I love to go sit in the coffee house and just people watch...okay, they also have Dancing Goat coffee which is my favorite in the WORLD.

Today, however, my boss was riding with me, so we did not go to the coffeeshop, we were working.  She is one of my best friends and just happened to get promoted to my boss.  Makes life easier when you take direction from someone you respect and love, but that is off topic.  We drove past the recreation area, past the gorge and into this little town.  When we walked into the office, my patient wasn't there yet.  The lady at the counter who is about my age said that the patient had let her know that he'd be late. 

So she calls this man- who is old enough to be my father - and tells him that I am there waiting on him and gives me a little wink.  Seriously? Yes, she was serious.  She then went on to tell me that this man had been quite the ladykiller in his day and that I should take him into consideration.  Holy Moley. I am a bit aghast.

Sadly, my mind tried to follow this line of thought as she rambled on about how he typically had several women staying at his farm back when he grew marijuana for a living.  Lets just stop for a minute and think about that.  I have a professional license, I work for a Fortune 100 very conservative company,  I am in their office in a suit, and though I am lacking a wedding ring, do I actually appear like a woman who is interested in a man who deals and grows marijuana for a living?  My first thought would be....no.

Okay- if I were in my hippie skirt and my hair was still sunstreaked and long and I had my turquoise Navajo jewelry on, I could see it, but not in my suit.

 Now I think he is charming- he has a quick wit and I always find myself laughing with his easy conversation. He has the kind of strong hands that come from manual labor and his Jeep actually looks like he drives it off -road. He was again wearing his overalls and his ponytail was mostly obscured by a large straw hat which also covered his brow. He is a big guy- probably 6'3" and were it not for the very mangled teeth in his lower jaw, I'd say he has a captivating smile.  But there are those teeth which are a real barrier for me.  He sat really close to me on the couch while we worked our insulin magic, but honestly, he isn't in to me either ( I think it is the suit.)

Needless to say, I did not give away my heart today while uploading his insulin pump.  But it did make me think:   Over the past several years I have found no shortage of 40+ year old men who by their descriptions, have never let someone know them and love them entirely.  They have kept a portion of themselves locked away, as though keeping this one piece protects them from losing themselves. In my experience, keeping your real self, your real desires to yourself only blocks the ability of someone to know you.  This is not to say that I advocate just behaving hedonisticly and without regard for others.  But that behaving as who you really are is important.  If you are the hero, be the hero...or the poet, or the hunter, or the whatever your archetype is. Authenticity is incredibly sexy - if the right person is on the receiving end. 

Oddly, in this same group of men, I have had no shortage of propositions- lots of people think being friends-with-benefits is a way to fulfill a need without risking the intimacy. The system is not built that way and by 40 most people should* know that. (*unless you have been married for the last 30 years and you didn't experience much dating before you got married)  I cannot believe the number of men who have blatantly asked if I'll take them home.  I will not. Gotta say that I don't see that as a viable option. I want the person I sleep with to actually have feelings for me, and for me to care about them outside of the bedroom.  It seems to me like an insult to love - a smack in the face to the idea that God has created men and women to be in partnership and love one another.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not prudish, but just like all other cycles in life, there is a time for lovemaking and a time for arguing.  I am open to loving someone and will not refuse to show who I really am.  The beauty of being a woman over 40 is that I don't have to pretend to be anyone other than myself.  If I want to talk to you, I will call.  If I am upset about something, I won't let it fester, I'll get it out in the open.  If I act like an ass, I'll say I am sorry and actually mean it.

Perhaps this is not the season of my life which will include romantic love. Probably not with a ladykiller, in any case.  I'm okay with that too. But my dad always said that Luck was preparation meeting opportunity.  So I am planning to continue to be prepared, and keeping my faith that the opportunity will present itself when it is time.