Fear in the Face of Uncertainty

Or " why you cannot move forward if you are looking back"
Twelve years ago, my son, Jake had brain surgery.  It was nothing short of miraculous that he was diagnosed- and the surgery and recovery went off without a hitch.  At the time, I was concerned, but my overwhelming need to see him live was much more pressing.  I was told, very frankly by the surgeon, that if he didn't have surgery, he would be hit in the nose, leak cerebro-spinal fluid and perish.  Okay, surgery it is then. 

The present situation is a little more difficult for me, though one would think after going through this at 3, that going through it at 15 would be a cinch.  I don't know what it is exactly: the fact that he has be struggling with unpredictable seizures this year, the fact that I have adjusted my life to be able to take care of him until I kick off, or the fact that this comes at the end of a year where all three kids have struggled.  Who knows. 
And if I am to be honest with myself, diagnosing where my fear came from is irrelevant- the problem is there is fear and it has to vamoose.

I consciously made the decision to be a mother, and subsequently decided that an unhealthy relationship was not the place to raise my kids.  Okay, those were good decisions. What I didn't bargain for was all the fallout from trying to be both mother and father, the times I would miss the signs and miss opportunities to intervene, and more importantly, I underestimated my need to have a strong shoulder to lean on.  Oddly, the need to have a man put his arms around me and tell me it will all be okay is overwhelming at times.  My daddy used to do this- every time we were together- and it made me feel safe and protected, because surely if he said it was going to be okay, then it was. When he passed away, I looked to the man in my life, but, it just wasn't the same. 

So I have struggled with this ghost pain.  You can't just go up to someone else's husband and ask them to hold you....you can't pick out a date based on the broadness of his shoulders...and just forgoing this forever isn't a great option.

Then came Friday of this week. As will happen when you are too much in need of something, I just melted down for the want of it.  Looking back, I was like a crack addict willing to forgo good judgement in order to get my fix.  It wasn't pretty, but it was overwhelming.  I needed to hear someone tell me it would be okay.  Mom had said it to me just that morning, my friend Lora had told me two days before, but I just wanted to hear it from a man I trusted.  Now as an aside, this is an old pattern of behavior and is in no way healthy, so please understand that I just figured it out.
So I called a man I trusted. 
And I asked for him to call me back so I could talk to him.
And the call back didn't come.  
Maybe it never will. 
And in those moments, driving over the mountains in the rain with the glory of God all around me, there was a still small voice which said "Be prepared".  I've heard it now a dozen times when I am worrying about things I cannot control.  It was the right advice.  All of a sudden there was peace - a peace which has managed to make it from Friday through Sunday without being shaken.  This is the version of myself that I want to be, the one who faces adversity and does not panic, who knows that God has been watching over her, who trusts that when He says he will be there to take her burdens, that He isn't lying. 

I don't get many "mountaintop" experiences with God, they are mostly small moment like sunshine through my window, where I feel His presence.  I figured out,  during that time over the mountain, that my fear was getting in the way of being prepared, of getting ready for what my life may hold after surgery, for getting Jake prepared for his new life after surgery.  These are an unexplored territory just bursting with possibilities. I may be able to travel, back to the Navajo Reservation, or work as a missionary, or become a nun, or whatever my little heart desires if all three of my kids are able to move on with their lives as healthy adults.  What a miracle that would be.( Dear Lord, just for the hope that this gives my heart, I would like to publicly say thank you)   It has the promise that all things will work together for those who love the Lord.

As for the man: he is a good and patient man.  I hope with all my heart that he will be able to see past my momentary lapse and forgive me.  I will hold out hope, and the possibility that God will speak to his heart.

So far, He hasn't let me down.  Now, I will stop looking back and start moving forward.