I have this reminder for myself - because sometimes when you are angry, it is easy to forget the rules.
No Name Calling.
No violence.
No fighting for longer than 15 minutes. If discussion lasts for longer then 15 minutes, it is not going to be resolved. Reschedule for another day and time.
Don't say never, always or you.
Say I feel, I need, I want, when I hear you say...I think or feel..
Don't go to bed angry.
Don't just say "I'm sorry"; include "please forgive me".
Use percentages to express how much each person wants to go to different activities, movies; for example, "I want to got to Taco Bell 10%" means it really doesn't matter. "I want to go 90%" means it matters a lot to you. (You need to be honest...don't say I want... 100% all the time).
Do not argue when hungry, angry, tired, or late at night.
Discuss only one topic at a time. It is not helpful to bring up old problems at the sametime as discussing new problems.
Talk about how you feel hurt and why; anger is a secondary emotion.
Each partner needs to take no more than 50% of the responsibility for the communciation problem. A relationship is a mutal agreement between 2 people and it does not come easily, it takes practice, work, and time.
5 comments:
I wish I'd read that before Donna threw me out. I might still be married to her. Sigh ...
Thank you, Stace.
That percentages idea is a good one, for me not so much about fights but in jiust figuring out what to do -- movie, restaurant, activity, whatever.
Loner,
Damn. I ain't gettin' into any arguments with you! That's too many rules for my simple head.
Here on the farm, we like to hold a grudge until it festers and becomes toxic.
LMAO at jerry! we need to introduce him to http://maggiezfarmaz.blogspot.com, don't we!
meanwhile, i wanted to ask you when the hardcover edition of "Fair Fighting Rules" is coming out! i'd like to order an advance copy!
:D
You all crack me up - I didn't make these up, they came from one of the hundred books I have on marraige.
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