Navigating the River

A woman approached the preacher after her marriage, it was her husband's first, but not hers. She thanked the preacher for telling this story:
Our lives are like the course of a river, there are places where the water is deep, places where it pools, places where it is shallow and safe, and places where there are rapids. To navigate this course safely it will take a guide who has been down parts of this river before. Blessed is the person who finds a guide who knows where the rapids begin and can steer the boat back to safety.

Normally we get our guidance from friends and family who have navigated parts of the river, but in her case, as in mine, I know all too well what the rapids look like and how easily they can throw you out of the boat.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting of late about marriage and what it takes to make a marriage work. I have watched my parents over the years, and other couples who seem to have it down and what they all have in common is the release of their hedonistic/egocentric view of how things should be. Marriage is a unique symbiotic relationship, if it is done well. Both people give up a little of themselves to help the other thrive. There has to be a balance, each person contributing actively and most importantly, each person showing up - being present in the moments spent cultivating the relationship.

After living through several divorces, and spending time "watching the films afterwords", I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what went wrong and when. A couple of years ago I started the process of an Annulment in the Church so that I could get remarried. Lots of introspection involved in that particular process - about a hundred questions that really make you think. The re-occurring theme was each partners ability to choose the marriage over their own demons. In the end of each marriage, it was teh choosing of what was best for one person over what was best for the family that ended them - adultery, alcohol abuse, unemployment and worst - only worrying about ones' self.

I think a marriage becomes very much like an additional member of the family- like an adoring child who warms your heart, but still must be fed. There are times when we must sacrifice what we want as individuals to keep the marriage fed. Catholics believe that marriage is a sacrament, a vocation and not everyone is called. It changes the whole focus of your life, and if you have true union with your spouse and with God, it changes your whole being into something new and transcendent. Though things have not always gone well, and there were certainly issues in the past, I remember those moments, where God was welcomed and where His presence was felt - and I have grown and changed as a result of those moments.

"You can become a Christian for free but it is expensive to be a disciple,” says Dr. Tony Evans. “You can go to heaven for free but to get heaven to come down here and join you on earth costs something…What’s the difference between a victorious marriage and a defeated marriage? Discipleship.”
Discipleship in marriage means the death of our old selfish psyche, no longer going your own way, considering the needs of other first - do they need to be noisy and joyful, need to be heard, need to be taught, need to be held? Then my need for quiet or peace comes secondary to this. Not to say that discipleship means we let the family run wild, but it does mean that the whole family is considered when decisions are made. Selfishness is sure death to a marriage, as is keeping score - ie he is sitting watching TV and I am still up working and it isn't fair. Those things need to be discussed, but the negativity, and the harboring of ill thoughts has to be banished SO quickly.