Taking Turns

I have always felt that it was my responsiblity to be there for my folks. I know in my rational mind that they are able to do things for themselves, but still had this nagging feeling that it was my responsibility to be there to help with planting on Mother's Day or putting in the piers at the lake house. With the exception of our time on the Reservation, we have always lived within a hour drive - usually less than half an hour - from them.

Now my dad is sick and I am 600 miles away. I am not doing as well with this as I thought I would. Yesterday was tough on him, as the symptoms of the lymphoma and chemo are starting to drain his strength. Mom tells me his face is pale, and while I know that she tends to exaggerate, it has me scared. I think I was trying to delude myself into believing maybe he would not get any side effects.

My brother, Davey, is in West Virginia at the moment - he has had moments off and on where he was around for the folks, but his own demons often make this impossible. Talking to him on the phone I realize that right now, he can do something I cannot - he can sympathize and baby my mom. I want her to be stronger, want her to carry the burden of a sick husband without falling apart - to be strong and patient with him - like I had to do waiting for my son to die from a brain tumor. I know as well as anyone how painful those minutes and hours of wondering and worrying are - and try as I might to be more patient, I still expect her to handle it. I can't understand why it is my job to bring her comfort in a situation where I can find little comfort of my own. I can't fix this!

I remember when I came crying to my dad after Jacob's dad left - I was eight months pregnant and had the two kids already - he told me in true Loner fashion - Well, looks like you have some kids to raise. It isn't goign to be easy, we'll help you where we can, but you don't have the luxury of falling apart right now. This may sound a bit harsh, but actually, it put things in perspective. I had to count on myself - so couldn't fall apart!

I want her to do the same, and I am finding myself being overly critical. I have always felt that we defer way too often to my mom's whims - and right now, I don't feel like coddling her. But Davey does. So to rectify this as much as possible - I am going to West Virginia to pick him up - then I am taking him with me to the folks. It is his turn - and I hope that he can be a help and be a comfort to them - they need someone around, and right now, I just can't do it.