Thinking deep thoughts today

I finally got to review the divorce decree and should get to sign it tonight or tomorrow.
The property I really was excited about - the one with the deer picture - didn't come through because of a glitch so that dream is out the window.
I met today with the lady from the shelter just to bounce some things around. I am having a lot of conflicting feelings about moving - where to go, how far to go - the only thing I know for sure is that I have to go somewhere by the end of October. She says that the Ogre's move to work in just a block away from where Josh goes to school is just the next phase in the plan to try to keep tabs on us even after we vacate the house. We went through the risk checklist - and we are at risk, still at that stage before things start to escalate in the cycle. She agrees that he is stalking us and that we need to get out. I asked about whether he would be likely to just drop it - she says the weird conversations the Ogre had about still wanting to keep me and win me back prove that he is not being rational, and that we are really at risk if we stay because he may decide that if he can't have us, no one can. This is the same man who freaked out about not being employed, then got a job and went in after the first day at 3am to remove all of his stuff and turn in a resignation to an empty city hall. The fact that he had a recent fall out with his girlfriend makes matters worse because now he is a bit cranked up - even if I am not the cause.

I also talked to her about Mom and Alison's argument that the other exs are still alive and kicking - but the difference in this scenario is that I have not placated him, while they have. She says that this puts me a greater risk since I challenged his skewed perception of his masculine supremacy. I have tried using jail as a deterrent - but since he has now been arrested three times, twice for violating the no contact order, she thinks he will continue to push the limit. We batted around the ideas I sent to you all, starting with just changing houses and staying here. She also said she didn't think it would be far enough. The more we atlked about it, the more clear it bacame that since he is unpredictable, it woudl be best to get away and be safe. It makes me so sad.

I think I could take him - hand to hand I may be a chuggy girl, but I am stronger than he is - feel pretty firm about being able to protect my family - but I am not always home. We have hotel deadbolt locks on the doors, the kids don't want to go out after dark alone and worst of all, Jerra has been sleeping with a big butcher's knife under her bed - I have had the pellet gun under my pillow. This is a stupid way to live. It has been almost two weeks since I got an entire night's sleep - and that was because Justin was here and I felt safe. Every night I get up and check to make sure everyone is safe. When the dogs start barking, I have to get up again. Seems like I am lucky to get even 3 hours in a row - and my mind is just running non-stop with all the things I need to do to start my life over.

Worst case scenario, we move away and start looking at a move back when Josh gets to high school age. From two of the locations we could get home over a long weekend. I just don't see any way for us to stay without looking over our shoulder for Dan all the time. That is just no kind of life. I have been a single mom in a strange land before, even if something would happen and my friends/family at either spot would not be able to help, I think I could do alright. It is a lot to ask of a friend - hey I have to relocate because a nut job is stalking me - we all are having some baggage from not sleeping and being assaulted -could we crash at your house until we can sort something out? Geez - it sounds worse on paper!!