For the Record

Had a rather disturbing phone call today from my friend. Seems the big drama about my moving away is not that it is traumatic - that I am packing alone - that I am walking away from a job I love and a town full of people I adore - the concern is that there is another man. That really ticks me off!!!! I am a good mother - even if I have a dozen other faults, that is something I do well. I would never move my family just so I didn't have to sleep alone.

Well, for the record, I got taken last time, it happens. Now I have found someone who is amazing adn intriguing and kind to me and I love this man with all my heart, but rushing is not what this is about. I am SO tired of defending myself on top of all the other drama. I got taken, but that doesn;t mean I am stupid or blind. I wasn't the only person surprised when things went sour - the girlfriend who showed up at the shelter yesterday was pretty shocked too. These accusations that I would move my whole life for a man who isn't committed to me - they are just hurtful and troublesome and give me yet another thing to worry about. I love him, but lets be honest - someone wants to kill me, I am not really spending all my time wondering if the man I love is thinking about me - don't have the luxury at the moment. This man doesn't make promises - this is new territory for both of us - even I have had some emotions I never thought I would feel. But no promises are made. I have to stop myself from saying how I feel lest the agreement to help is mistaken as a promise he hasn't made.

I am not upset about it, really. I understand the need to analyze the living tar out of something. I also understand that for me, when I really value someone, I want to go out of my way to make sure they know it. He does the same thing - different dialect, but the same thing.

So I guess my big conclusion is that I will take this chance, but it is knowing that there are "inherent" promises - and more importantly, that this is about being safe more so that being in love. I love him, but the move is not about him - it is about being able to sleep again - being able to drive through McDonald's without seeing the person who wants you dead, being able to rest in my own space. It is about being finally free.