Preparations

There is a lot to do when you are changing the direction of your dreams. I spent the last two years collecting things that someone with a little organic farm would need - herbs, pots, markers, ducks and tons of books on how to make it all work. That dream and the five acres that bear my raspberry canes and cherry trees, are soon to be gone.

Last night the Ogre moved back into his house - alerting me by unceremoniously calling my HOME phone number at 11:30 to see if I had an air mattress he could use. A little aside here - the only reason I had an air mattress is that I bought one so I could sleep on the floor of the boys room - I used that mattress nearly every night from November of last year until I moved out at the end of April. The audacity of asking for the symbol of something that ugly - I bought it after I received the ultimatum that either I would "put out" or sleep on the floor - I chose the floor apparently.

Today, I had to start seriously paring down. I found a home for my ducks - this being yet another affront I am holding bound - I love those little ducks and watching them has brought me so much joy - now I have to give that up. I gave up ownership of my house by letting my folks buy me out. I opened a new bank account and will close my others out as soon as the papers are signed, have to move all of those things that already come out automatically. I am preparing myself for this evening - when, after helping Jacob construct a brain for school tomorrow - I am going to go through my closet mercilessly, giving way more to Goodwill than I want to - and box up things I won't see again until we get where we are going. Planning on living out of a suitcase of carefully chosen things so that we can be ready to go quickly if needed. The boxes are next - I have this sentimentality problem, but a quick move doesn't afford me that luxury, so the paring down begins.

I keep thinking I should be afraid - there are so many factors that are unknown - feels eerily similar to when we moved to Arizona - who knows, it may be the next best thing that ever happened to us. I keep praying, but all the anxiety I feel is about the Ogre - not about moving.