In 2003, I had put myself in a bad spot. According to my daughter, I had given someone credit for being a better human being than he was. And when the threats started- then the abuse started, I grew ashamed and I grew fearful. As is always the case, the more trouble I was in, the more intense my faith life was. I was looking for anything to help fix a troubled relationship, so I went into the Christian Bookstore in Lafayette and happened across this ring at the check out counter.
"Fear Not" it said.
Fear not, the first words the angel said to Mary at the Annunciation. The words Christ said over and over again as he healed people. The words I have said to my children when they are afraid as well.
I have worn this ring for 7 years now. The top part of all the letters has faded, but the message has not.
I wear it on my thumb, also as a reminder that the person I was, the person who allowed bad things to enter her life and infect her family, is a ghost.
It reminded me not to be afraid - or rather - not to let fear be my motivator - when Dan was trying to hurt us. Not to be afraid as I watched my father struggle with cancer - not to be afraid when I saw Jerra struggling and pulling away from her family - not to be afraid when I had to start over again as marriage didn't pan out, not to be afraid as Jake's seizures have gotten longer and more intense and unpredictable.
The ability to meet these challenges with clear focus, rather than in panic, is imperitive. You don't have the luxury of falling apart when the tornado is headed for your house. Someone has to hold it together, and in a single-parent household, that would be me - where the buck stops.
Fear has been defined as the absence of faith. I don't know that I agree with that entirely: I have a fear of copperhead snakes because they live in my woods and they will bite me- that isn't an unreasonable fear. But if I never went outside because I might possibly run across a snake, that would be unhealthy and a lack of faith. Maybe it is my own abilities - my own frailties - that I lack faith in.
So, over the past few days I looked at what I was really afraid of.
1. Afraid that Jake's surgery might not go well and that I might lose him entirely or lose a part of him that I adore.
2. Afraid that I won't ge able to adequately step up to the task that God has presented me .
3. Afraid that maybe I have missed my calling - or that I will not be open to it when it comes around again. 4. Afraid that I may live my entire existence without ever loving someone who loved me back
Oddly snakes and tornadoes didn't even make the list. Go figure.
Addressing these is a pretty big task. Can't do anything about 1, except pray and ask for divine intervention - daily - repeatedly - until the storm has passed. 2. I have to keep doing what I know is right, keep my eye on the prize and be honest with those I am tasked to take care of. Four of my charges are old enough to take care of themselves, but through situations in their lives, they cannot. I need to teach them to fish on their own- at least I think that is what I have been charged with 3.I have to believe that if God is really calling me to do something, He will call me a second time. 4, oh number 4, I have no idea what to do about this. Bishop Morton's wife made a statement that I thought was so powerful that it changed my prayers. " lots of women pray for a man who is handsome or strong or wealthy. I prayed for God to bring me a man with a good spirit and a good heart. Pray for this and a good man will be brought to you." Maybe the fear is my Achilles heel, maybe I am called to be single, but honestly, I hope God hears my prayer and that there is someone for me out there.
1 comment:
I hadn't thought about it before, but I have to agree that much fear is rational and can co-exist with faith. It's probably how to deal with fear that's important -- not letting it control you and/or immobilize you.
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