Be Still and Know

The house is abuzz with packing and readying ourselves for our trip next week.  There is the nearly constant hum of Charlie who buzzes around like a spring wind removing the cobwebs from unseen places in the room.  There are job-searchers and life-searchers, musicians, artists,  and people waiting for their lives to start who all fill up my house these days.  It is busy and wonderful and noisy all at the same time.
Last night, though, there was peace.  The girls went out- then Josh and his friends went to practice their music at another mother's house - then the other boys all went to bed.  So I had the most delicious experience of laying in bed at 9:30 with a book and being able to read it uninterrupted.  Holy Mackerel, what a rewarding and decadent feeling that was.

I read Eat Pray Love because my mom was listening to the audiobook and said the author sounded like me.  (She does in many ways) So last night, in the quiet house with only the rain and occasional thunder as background noise, I finished the book.

The part that I loved the best was her path to find forgiveness - and you guessed it - she had to forgive herself first before she could move on with her life.    I feel like I am almost there.  Like the things I am regretful of have very nearly resolved themselves and that I am almost a version of myself that I can be proud of.  There is a particular anecdote where she describes her decision to be quiet as opposed to her normally verbose self.  She comes upon the realization that her verbal skills are a gift - that they are a part of who she is in the grand plan of God - and most importantly - that GOD  LIKES HER because of this part of her personality.  What a revelation. The concept that the very thing I am trying to change about who I am might be the thing God likes best about me.

I am a talker, but my real fault: I love too easily.  I see the good in people and overlook the negative to the point of my own detriment.  I have been trying to be more skeptical - but I have not succeeded - at all.  And you know what? I think I am just going to keep this trait.  The world is chock-full of people who criticize and judge and hurt.  I little more love is a good thing. People are hurting, they are full of fears and problems and pain - and love is like a balm to those things, bringing a sense of hope.  So as of this morning I will STOP trying to be more critical and careful with my heart - I resolve to keep it open and to continue to love those in my path even if they don't deserve it,  because Someone did that for me once, and it has made all the difference.

I slept peacefully, dreaming vividly throughout the night of Lunar Moths and church services,  stained glass windows and the light streaming in on Jake's face, and sitting high in a tree watching over my family.  Near dawn I was awakened by a limb crashing to the roof, and when the water didn't come pouring in, it was then I feel asleep again.  I dreamed that I was sleeping with my face very near the computer,  that I had fallen asleep waiting for you to come home.  I heard you come in and say " Ha, she's asleep and its quiet, that's a nice change of pace"  then you brushed the hair out of my face and kissed my cheek so as not to wake me.  The tactile memory of your lips on my cheek is present even in waking. I dreamed this dream of you and it was a sweet dream.