Getting to know you

I started these notes 6 years ago, when my life started this metamorphosis that began with leaving a very ugly situation, moving my kids to Georgia and now, learning to live on my own again.    I had an incident a couple of weeks ago, where I met, in person, a writer whom I had previously known only through his writing.  I found myself instantly comfortable and felt as though we had known each other for years.  After all, over the past year, I've been reading what he wrote, and like any new follower of someone's blog, I went back and read some of the older entries as well. I read about his love for his kids, the loss of his father, the struggle with becoming the kind of person he genuinely is, and the funny tidbits that peppered his writing. There is so much love and passion in his wirting that had I never met him in person, I would have already held him in high regard because I liked how he responded to things and because I could see myself in his struggles. I had thought, while reading, that he would be a great friend and if I am being entirely honest, the kind of man I would love to find. 

During the course of these years, I have met a number of my blog buddies in person: Mark, Jeanna, Ian, Summer, Chris, Nora and Jerry come to mind.  Nora and Jerry even showed up at my dad's viewing in Logansport after I posted the news of his death.  A LOT of people who are my friends on Facebook, came from my friendships through our blogs.  Just because our friendship has started through a virtual medium, doesn't mean that the emotion and the affection for each other is only virtual. Because I tend to write what is really in my heart - or in my head -I assume that reading someone else's blog lets you in on who the person is.  We become friends by being a part of each other's lives.  I think that is the definition- right?  I have found EVERYONE that I met in person to be very much like I anticipated as a result of "reading" them and when I have loved their writing, I have loved the person "in person" as well.  Shocking I know.

There was a time when I didn't love people very well- when my life was mostly selfish, spent trying to find someone who would love me in spite of the two kids at home.  While that time makes for some really interesting stories, it was not the version of MY self that I wanted to be, so after Jake was born, I resolved to focus on my kids and less on my love life.  There were 7 years that I raised them alone before I ever started dating again.   I should have waited another 7 and that would have worked out perfectly, but that is another story entirely. Now, however, I love people very easily.  I used to think it was semantics, loving versus liking, but it isn't. I love when I try to see them as Christ would see them - valuable, precious, amazing- I think those are a good start.

Well, the rest of this story is that I missed it with this new/old friend. I know, you are saying to yourself, but she is so charming and loveable, how could she mess this up, believe me, dear reader, I apparently have tricks up my sleeve that even I wasn't aware of.  Sometimes I can be a little daft, and while I had read lots that he had written, he in the reverse, had not read anything that I had written before. So he didn't really know me at all.   So a non-daft person would behave as though you were new friends, cautious about the boundaries, asking lots of questions, letting him call you first, you know.  Unfortunatley,  I felt a comeraderie that had me let down my guard: calling when the thought struck me and brazenly ask when he'd be availiable to hang out, just like I do with my friends. In my daftness - missed that he was just getting started in the path of learning who I was- and his only experience was during those short conversations and brief meetings - my affection looked disproportionate. So I looked like a fruit loop. Or worse, the very thing we both said we found unappealing: someone who plans out their whole life with us after one date because they are so afraid of being alone. Super.

 I am hopeful that God will speak to his heart and that he will give me a second shot at being friends.  Really, there is very little downside for him, since I have already shown my cards and told him that I like him and that I'd like to see where things go.  I left the door wide open- but I think only God could make him look back to see what is inside.  If it doesn't happen, then, I'll learn from this and move on. He may not be the first man to leave, but he is certainly one of the best. 

PS: should the man in question read this, by some miracle, this is my apology for every single second I caused you to feel uncomfortable.  That was the very last thing I wanted to do, and I am genuinely sorry. Please consider allowing me to make it up to you.