The past month has been really tough for me, not that I am complaining, well, I guess I am a little, but nevertheless, it has been tough. I have been alone for so long that I usually stand just fine on my own, but lately that is not the case - I need people, I need contact, I crave diversion. See: I have not been myself, exactly. I have caught myself being needy and overly emotional - I even lost my temper and yelled at the kids on Sunday night and the yelling was assinine: over who stole my razor out of the bathroom coupled with my frustration at not being able to shave before I went to the pool. Completely ridiculous. I have not been at my best. Actually, because of the drawn out nature of this, I think it has been more emotional than when my dad had cancer. I knew the outcome to expect with the cancer- he knew the outcome- and once we accepted that, we could go from there. This is more of an unknown- the perfect breeding ground for fear.
There is a quote by Mae West that goes something like this: if you cannot handle me at my worst, then you certainly do not deserve me at my best.
While Mae was not the bastion of relationship advice that some might think, this bit, has some real truth in it.
People who offer to be there during a time that you really need them, show you the depth of their character. My kids and my brother have really stepped up and I come home to a clean house most every day. I have had tons of people offer to cook meals, go with me to Cleveland, FIND people to visit us in Cleveland, arrange for Communion to be brought over, and take me out for a diversion until the time comes in two weeks. My mom has offered to come stay with us-and my best friend who lives in North Carolina has offered to go with me the week of the actual surgery -and to come back here if I need her. God has so richly blessed me with her. I have had comments here, on FB and via email of support, prayers and good wishes that have just filled my heart to overflowing. I got notes from my former sister in law and mother in law - they were really kind and unexpected.
Coming to terms is a process, though, I think. Should I continue this way, I wouldn't be surprised if I was totally at peace with this before we ever left for Cleveland.
I got a really nice note from Justin a couple of days ago -offering to take me out to help kill some evening time. Honestly, that is where I struggle- when my work is done and I have time to sit and think. I have seen more movies and gone out for more coffee in the past two weeks than I have in forever. The A-Team was pretty good, by the way.
So this week, we are going to dinner. This event drew some criticism at home, but reality is that we attempted to make a life together, sharing our affection, our bank accounts and our bed, so it does not seem unreasonable that we are back to being friends.Being there for me at my worst was never his strong suit, though, and this is an opportunity for him to "be there" and be successful at it. I think we will always be friends - though I am not sure what you call someone when your marriage was annulled- your almost ex? Don't know. I am opting for just Justin.
But I am thankful for his friendship - for his offer - and for the ability to continue the friend part of our relationship even though the romance didn't pan out.
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