When a family becomes a family, there is a level of trust that is established. People expect that the members of that family will act in a way that is caring and loving and considerate.
Over the past two years, a lot of wounds have healed over. But when a family, is effected by domestic violence, sometimes shrapnel gets buried beneath the scars and later tries to work it's way out. Breaking through the scars - purging evil from the body - it's just painful, but necessary. Like scrubbing out a wound before stitches...
I described divorce - the whole gamut of what happened to us - as being like radiation poisoning. On the outside we looked fine - a bit haggard, but otherwise fine. But inside, we were bleeding. It was as though there was a big gaping wound in my chest and no one could see the blood pouring out. The kids were in pain, but there was no way to soothe it with medicine or balm- only time could heal this. It is like that, the assault on the heart and on the spirit that is a result of abuse from someone who is supposed to love and cherish us.
We were able to function, mostly so it seemed we had just closed one chapter and opened another. The world kept spinning and the sun kept rising and soon what had happened just yesterday - now is almost two years ago.
It was two years ago this week that I took the day off and my parents came to help me and the kids move our things to the other house in Lafayette so that we could be out of Dan's way. It was the beginning of a lot of sleepless nights when he would come into the house without permission, steal things from the yard and stalk us. It was a dark, dark time. ( ps thanks again to the West Lafayette sheriff for doing absolutely nothing every time I called you)
I am eternally grateful that my friends saw the signs and the God sent me a "postcard" and we were able to leave. But the scars remain. I see them in myself sometimes - when my husband erased the cookies off the computer, I had the visceral memory of Dan chatting with Russian mail order brides and women at AOL while I was still living there, then haphazardly erasing the emails, only to leave their traces on the memory. When I found the memory, he had a buddy show him how to erase that as well. So my husband did something harmless - and I over-reacted. Yep, I'm a joy to be married to at times.
The kids are struggling as well. It is hard to be a teenager, even worse when your senior year is ripped from you. Bear says she has "man-issues" but when I see her interact with her friends, several of whom are male - her issues are more like step-dad issues. And I cannot blame her, but I will continue to encourage her to work on them.
Josh was the primary target for Dan, having received his wrath both physically and verbally. Some day God will further hold Dan accountable because he has tainted the way Josh sees the world - and changed the course of his life. He is trying to readjust, but he is a brilliant child, and like his mother he thinks about things. Letting go of the past is difficult for him, and at times, that anger can be all consuming. It is a difficult thing - to forgive someone who has hurt you - but I hope he can. Forgiveness isn't for Dan the Ogre - it is to free Josh.
I am not stupid, I am not uneducated, I am not an attention seeker - and I didn't have any idea that Dan could have been abusive before I married him. You could ask anyone at the Christian singles group where we met - they were all stunned when things turned sour. What happened was not my fault - any more than it was the fault of the kids - or depression - or the moon. Domestic violence doesn't happen because we let it, though the legal system sucks at protecting us - it happens because one person consciously chooses to disrespect another - and for that, the person should be held accountable. Some day, Daniel Ray Brock will be held accountable by his Maker for his behavior, and what he did to my family - both the kids and the extended family. I have forgiven him and his weaknesses, I have not forgotten what he did.
I have been following Cala Lily's blog for a while now. She is a survivor of domestic violence as well, and I borrowed this from her site because I thought it was so well written. ( hope that's okay) Parts of this blog deal with abusive relationships. If you are in an abusive relationship, it is not your fault! Violence in abusive relationships tend to escalate, so it's important you act now. Tell someone, tell a teacher, a counselor, a minister, a cop. Get out and get help. If you don't know where to get help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and they will help you find help locally
2 comments:
Thank goodness that, contrary to popular belief, forgiveness does not require forgetting.
You are so right on about everything you wrote in this post.
Healing is hard work.
(hugs)
yes, it's a right-on post.
and remember, at this stage of the game, there are no simple stories.
you and justin have found a precious resource in each others' love. so there are few bumps, but healing won't be complete until they are worked out. i think maybe he knows that. i think you probably are healing him and his past (whatever it may be), too.
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