That phrase just keeps going over and over in my brain- perhaps too many readings of those Outlander books. But being a romantic to the coer, I am ready for the hero on horseback to come riding in and rescue me from what feels like a life gone amiss.
But in a way, maybe the phrase is helping me keep it all together. You see, all that strength and character - it is a fascade - it is who i want to be.... and then day after day I try to live up to it and
sometimes I actually succeed, much to my own surprise. I'm really not that strong, it is just that the buck stops with me and if I don't do it, there isn't anyone who will - so what appears as personal strength is really the result of necessity. Single parenting for nearly 17 years will do that to you - make you feel like you stand alone against the howling winds.
I was broke once - really broke - when Jerra and I lived on the food that came from the WIC certificates and little else. She got three meals at daycare, and I feasted on peanut butter and Chex because that is all I had. Child support would have been nice back then, but Joe ( ex #1) didn't think I needed it -didn't think it was his responsibility to hold up his end of the deal. So I made due - having made my bed, I was obliged to lie in it.
Once I got out of college and started making some money, I filled the pantry. I have this fear of running out of food. That is a weird thing, I guess, for a girl who struggles with weight, but I find myself feeling a knot in my gut everytime the freezer has empty space or the shelves in the pantry run low. I wonder at times if that period has a lot to do with how I struggle with food and weight - but that is a whole other post.
I remember that time, and I am having a lot of those same feelings. I wonder exactly how broke we can get before I have to start making big cuts in the way we live. I worry that we will run low, even though that is totally irrational, but I think that is worrying me as much as anything else. Did you ever notice that once one fear gets hold that it is so much easier for others to piggyback on?
So I decided this morning that I need to take James Frasier's advice: Dinna fash ye' self.
6 comments:
I am sorry that you are having to go through yet another struggle after seeming to have had things come together for you. Hopefully, this will resolve itself for you.
There must be something in the air, Loner - I made the same choice only yesterday :)
I'm a cupboard-stuffer too, and my habit comes (i think) from seeing my parents do the same thing. Both of them were Depression kids, so they had that "fear of running out" as well.
When i know my paycheck is going to be a slim one, i go grocery shopping. It's a survival mechanism, also strengthened by being a single mom.
It's been a skinny few months for me too. Hang in there, you've got friends. You can't eat us, but we care!
:)
You might be interested in visiting the Free Man's Table blog, there's a link to it in my links-list. He talks about eating habits and storing food and buying things economically.
AC - much better today
Taza - so probably my daughter would do the same thing.
Ian - I need to have you say that phrase for me - because I bet it sounds better with the real accent.
And Madcap - I checked it today, and enjoyed it - thanks.
My Pantry is ALWAYS full. Why? Because as a mom...it would be irresponsible for my family to run out of food. Food is required for life. How many times do we see natural disasters coming...and the people have NOTHING to survive on. Not even water. Then they blame the government for not meeting their NEEDS. If a harsh winter comes...or "something" happens that doesn't allow me to get to the store....we can survive a month with what's in the pantry. I don't feel guilty one bit...and neither should you.
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