Jonathan Micah Kelly

Just typing his name makes me miss him. Of course he is not a little boy anymore, but I still picture his sweet cherubic face, dancing with the Tigger song in my kitchen in Bloomington.

I wanted to be a mom from forever - and when I got married at twenty, and Joe had a two year old son, I was delighted. Jonathan had young parents, and from the time I married into his family, I wanted to be his mom. I remember that even though I knew it was time to leave, there was a long time I just couldn't, because I didn't want to leave him. I really struggled with that and put up with a lot of nonsense from his dad because I loved that child so.

Last night I talked to his grandma, Adeline, Bear's other grandma, and she tells me he has grown into a handsome young man. He will be nearly 21 by now - and certainly not a child. She also tells me that she isn't sure he knows he has a sister - that the family was discouraged from ever talking about her(yea, that's a discussion for a later post).

Anyway, I wanted to say something - say I'm sorry I didn't hijack him and move away to Canada to live happily in hiding - sorry I couldn't be there for him - sorry I couldn't legally do more. I never wanted to keep Bear from him, never wanted to see him struggle, and yet because of the stories I heard, I am pretty sure he did struggle.

If by some miracle Jonathan would read this, please know that you are always welcome in my home, because you have always held a place in my heart - and an e-mail from you would be a gift beyond measure.

Maybe that is why I have to keep adopting strays - trying to mother all the time, because when you have lost one baby, it is nearly impossible to fill that crevice, but I just keep trying.

Addendum - Adeline, Jerra's paternal grandmother, sent along this picture taken last year, so I wanted to add it to my post.

Sorry Peyton

I was tired, Justin's muscles were sore, it was a long Monday and it was cold and rainy - so at 11 when I saw your game was still on, I barely even eyed the screen. And I missed watching the Colts go 11-0 by beating the Steelers. Way to go Mr. Manning.

One last Thanksgiving photo

I have put a bar over the face to help protect the identity of this random Thanksgiving participant.


Unfortunately the photo also reveals that I have a very yellow kitchen with an unbeleivable number of things strewn about...


Uh and his commentary as he caught me posting this , laughing like a hyena - "Mom you are so queer!"

Thanksgiving in Color

First, a picture of the fig bread, made with the bourbon figs I canned over the summer, and the pumpkin chocolate chip bread, made with a real roasted pumpkin - none of that canned stuff...mmmmm
















The pre-dinner appetizer tray ( Breads on the top , then ginger cookies, brownies, no bake oatmeal cookies, summer sausage, red grapes, cheddar cheese, Ritz crackers, carrots, deviled eggs and dry roasted peanuts) and the WONDERFUL roaster where the turkey was cookin up. Uh, yes mom, that is still my morning coffee there to the left - and as usual, it is unfinished...














Kitten Bob and Sheila - the clean up crew getting the last bits out of the roaster...

A year and a half of living dangerously

"To truly heal we must say our truth, and not only our regret and pain, but also what harm was caused, what anger, what disgust, and also what desire for self-punishment or vengeance was evoked in us."

From Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Someone asked me why things were different with Justin - why after years of failed and sadly unhealthy relationships, this one worked. Two words - no bullshit. I wasn't trying to impress him when we met - he wasn't trying either. From the beginning of our conversations, we just talked about stuff - and other than a couple of things we didn't share until later on - we were pretty upfront about our baggage. When I knew that this was something unusual - knew that I was in love with him - I just said so, even though he didn't say it for A LONG TIME LATER (okay still a bit irritated about that, hee hee) I didn't need him to be a father to my kids, I didn't need a lover, I didn't need a financial backer, I just wanted a friend - and left myself open to the possibility that it might work out.

The thing that is the most different is that I tell him what I am thinking - and before I open my mouth, I try to see where I have gotten things tangled in my head - or what part I am playing in this particular drama. Step two is trying to figure out where the he is coming from. Most things people do are not motivated by other people, so usually something that ticks me off is merely oversight - rather than intentionally trying to incur my wrath! There is little finger-pointing and a lot of personal responsibility - because it takes two people to make a marriage fail. We are both good at seeing, retrospectively of course, when we have been an ass.

You can only change yourself - and people will treat you as you allow them to treat you. Boundaries shift within a family and from time to time, I have to re-establish that I am not the maid and chief cook and bottle washer - but instead half of the governing body in the house. Though more with the kids than with the husband.

A lot of the time, there are things that I really am afraid to share - as though bringing up these demons will make them real instead of just figments of my imagination. I worry a lot about being a pain, being fat and being left again. I force myself to talk about these - also a BIG shift. I always thought before that if I talked about them, he would see what a putz I am and think he made a mistake ( see it is only an irrational fear if it never happened before). But instead, what has happened is that he can see who I really am - he can see my frailties and what I am afraid of - and that helps him avoid placing landmines in my path.

I used to hold everything in and just take it on the chin until I felt like I would pop (not wanting to be a pain) - then I would blow up and the poor object of my displeasure recieved a lot of bad karma all at once. He called me on that and it was about time that someone did. Not a nice way to behave. Now, maybe it is age or experience, I am finding it is much easier to talk about things when they are little problems instead of waiting for an atom bomb to go off. Nothing is outside the bounds of human forgiveness. Nothing.

Anyway, I am rambling, and I don't want this to sound like I have all the answers. I struggle - I read everything I can get my hands on about how to be a better person. I read other people who I think have it together, try to learn from them, and sometimes actually do. Each day I make a conscious decision to try to be a good wife, a good daughter, a good mom - and some days I am lucky enough to succeed - other days, not so much.

So now it has been nearly 18 months since I met Justin - since my life changed and his did too. It has been well worth the risk.

Clarity while washing dishes

I have struggled over the past couple of weeks to figure out exactly what my problem was - I had all the physical symptoms from being overstressed - and even 12 years of nursing expereince was not enough to save me from myself so to speak.

No I want to preface this by saying that Justin didn't do anything wrong - and that things are okay in paradise this morning - but yesterday - well, that was another matter.

I figured out that little things he was doing were causing a disproportionate reaction - and they were really getting under my skin.

Washing the dishes while he slept and the boys were busy with video games, I realized what had happened.

I have been left before.

And not just once unfortunately - and the fear of being left again is a demon that haunts me.

The little things, like still having the other house and seperate bank accounts, and a dozen little things were all adding up in my mind that once again someone had found that loveing me was just too much trouble. And it smacked me like a load of bricks standing at the sink. All of those feelings like something was wrong, all centered around this one thing. It took me about five hours of crying and trying to sleep and then trying to talk myself out of it before I could say anything to Justin. As though not talking about it kept it unreal - but my emotions were very real, and the best way to vanquish demons is to put them into the light.

Suffice it to say, this came out of left field to him - he had never entertained the idea, but after some discussion, could see where I was getting things tangled. I was picking up cues, but rather than being an escape plan, the things that were bothering me were just kinks in blending a man who has lived alone for 11 years as adult - and a woman who hasn't lived alone since I was 20 - actually, hasn't ever lived alone- I went from my folks to a dorm, to roommates to a husband - then there were always kids. My perspective is colored and sometimes I forget that - and I should know better but perfection eludes me, and I still get this messed up in my head, making me quite the unpleasant person to live with.

I tell my kids to be careful with the hearts of people they Date - because even if that girl isn't going to be your wife, she will be someones and you don't want her heart to carry scars from you into her marriage. And you hope that someone else, who is dating your future wife right now, is taking the same care with her.

Things I am Thankful for

A husband who actually loves me back
My folks
My dad in remission from cancer
My mom being brave enough to consider adoption in the first place
Memories of thanksgiving in Kansas City
Bear - each and every day she astounds me and I cannot express how amazed I am at how fantastic she is
Josh- his quick wit, his soft heart, his ability to surprise even himself, he brings me great joy especially when he says : mom, you gotta come look at this on the screen
Jake - his huge tender heart and that he comes to hug me almost knocking me over every day when I get home
Lora - my girl who always comes through when I need her - we have been friends since before Josh was born and she is one of the best things that ever happened to me.
My inlaws, who are mostly fun to be with and who like me - thank goodness
Steph - my buddy - and now sleepy new momma. A friend who always has time for me - ( and also that I get to come see her in two weeks!!!! woohoo!)
Alison - though I don't know where things are with us anymore, she was my friend through a lot of rough times and I miss her
Tammy - who has made me get out of the house to do something for myself at least once a week Shirsten - my sister in law - who amazingly is also a girl I would have picked as a friend anyway
My daily reads, through the writings of John, Maggie, Chris, Taza, Dora, Marc, Dale, Jeanna, Ian, Jerra and Justin, I have learned about life, and loving and growing. It has meant a lot getting to know you all and I am so thankful that Justin talked me into starting a blog.
to keep this short, I am truncating the list of friends here
Also thankful that God has remained faithful to me, picking up the load for me when I cannot carry it anymore - and never forsaking me - even when I deserved it.

uh... important note to self

If you are going to be nice to your family by making chicken noodle soup and leaving it on the stove, you should turn the heat down to LOW before you leave for work.

PS - and review with Jake what to do - other than run - when the house is filled with smoke.


Addendum - say another prayer of thanks that only the pan was burned.

Thanksgiving

First, I am thankful for last night - an evening with no football where we actually had dinner before 8pm. I am not too thrilled about the huge drop in temperature - or the whipping winds which kept my feet feeling cold for hours - but I had a roof over my head, so what could I complain about.

Now on to the menu:
During football:
Hotwings and celery and baby carrots
Bleu cheese dressing
Cracked pepper crackers with summer sausage and cheddar cheese
Green and purple grapes

Dinner to die for....
spinach salad
cream of broccoli soup
Roast turkey with butter and fresh sage
Cornbread stuffing
Pear chutney
Green bean casserole
Sweet potatoes with brown sugar and pecans
Homemade dinner rolls
my mom's ( and Grandpa Loner's recipe) brown bread
pistachio pineapple salad
Pumpkin pie with toasted pecan crust
There is the possibility of lemon poppyseed bread, fig cake, gingerbread and chocolate chip cookies... but we will see how much cooking gets done on Wednesday when the kids are home.

Also I am thankful for my friends and family who have continued to pray that Justin would find a good job - there are at least two possibilities that did not exist yesterday morning when I was feeling the weight of the world. Funny how the moment I turn things over to God because I just can't carry it anymore - He comes through and does a much better job of carrying things.

Cold Rain

It started raining last night. I rushed out to the pens to make sure the bucklings were covered from the storm - and found Fred and George huddled under the stairs, trying - and failing to stay dry. I managed to corral them into the pet carrier - despite their efforts at dragging me through mud and all kids of brush - which again tore my hands up. This morning found them warm and dry - though a little befuddled about why they had slept in a maroon box all night.

I couldn't find John at first, and eventually found him sleeping between Paul and Sheba - safe and warm and dry. I wandered back inside - the rain had soaked through my field jacket - my hair was dripping - and even a hot shower didn't make it any better.

I felt chilled - as I have for several days. My temperature seems to keep spiking and according to my lab work, there is nothing wrong. Which means that most of these symptoms must be a shot immune system - probably from stress. I don't know what is wrong - but I feel like it looks outside- like a cold rain just keeps pouring over me - and I can't get warm - and I can't get dry - and I can't get comfortable enough to sleep.

My instincts know that something is wrong.....