What Kind of Mother am I?

I was reading my buddy Wash-Lady's blog this morning and oddly enough she was talking about parenting - something that has been on my mind of late.

First, I have been thinking about it because I have had a week without kids - and frankly, I am not designed to be without the kids for very long. I keep walking through their rooms, adjusting their things because I miss them.

Secondly, my kids are staying with other relatives/friends so I have been receiving some input about their behavior. Not all of it I am thrilled about. For some reason, perhaps it is the years of single parenting, my family/friends sometimes cross the line, criticizing my kids for who they are instead of criticizing their actions. I don't think they are an emotional mess, or they are lazy, or argumentative or lacking in self control. I want them to be social and funny and talkative - it will help them maneuver and adapt - oh wait, it already has.

So what kind of parent am I? I like James Dobson myself - I have spanked my kids, though they are a little old for that now. Errors made innocently are forgiven, but I do expect respect, and errors made in defiance are punished swiftly. Truthfully, I see my job as loving the kids, giving them guidance direction so they can live on their own and allowing them room to make mistakes while living with me - as opposed to going off to college unparented to make those mistakes. I wanted my kids to wait as long as possible before complicating their lives with sex and dating - of course I did, those were big problem areas for me. I expect them to take care of themselves, to some degree. They will balk at picking up - but when it comes down to it, the kids can cook, get themselves to bed, wash their own clothes - and manage to get themselves to school most days long after I have left for work.

When I took them for counseling after we had do move and leave everything, my daughter ran through all the drama that has taken place in our lives. He said she was very well adjusted. Of course they are - we talk the living tar out of everything, I don't have any secrets from them and since I have battle scars and faults, they are allowed to as well.

While I am not proposing that they are something special, I am saying that the goals I had for the kids are being met. We don't have a rigid schedule - how could I when my schedule varied and then we added in the factors of play practice and football practice? More importantly, I am not that organized, I am doing the best I can - and if it is working for me - and working for the kids, why do other people think their criticisms are helpful. I don't' understand why having kids who are doing well in school and have friends isn't enough? Some things don't vary much like the routine at bedtime, my need to kiss them all goodbye and tell them I love them, my need to screen what they are watching on TV, and getting to Mass on the weekends. Yep - sometimes these things fall through the cracks, but these are the things I do consistently and they are much more important than who took out the trash.

Maybe there are some moms who can do it all - have a rigid schedule - have a great love life - clean house and a full time job. I figured something had to give - so fussing about the house is the first thing. When they are grown, they will not remember how many times I polished the wood, but they will remember sitting out on the swing until we fell asleep, Laughing over dinner on the porch while we watched the fireflies, cuddling up on the couch watching movies, hanging out in the yard watching me dig something else out of the garden.

So what kind of mother am I? I am a blessed mother, blessed with three very different and wonderful children who have taught me a lot about life, about truth and about how very much a life is improved by love.

Today I am 39 - really 39

I have seen before women who work so hard to appear younger. I have, in my time, bought thousands of dollars of cosmetics, only to find that my state of mind has more bearing on my appearance than my makeup.Think I'm kidding - I looked at Justin's blog only to see that I look younger this year than I did in last years picture!

Thank you to all of you who are coming by today to wish me Happy Birthday. I thought I would share a list of things I have to be thankful for:

1. Three marvelous, strong-willed, good humored, charming children who are all in good health and who, at the moment, love me in spite of my flaws
Bear - who is stronger than she thinks and becoming a woman of character
Josh - who is growing into a great man and a good friend
Jake - who is just joy incarnate
2. The miraculous apparition of the man I've been waiting all my life for - about a year ago - and many months of loving someone who loved me back
3. My folks - especially my dad's brave fight against cancer and my mom's willingness to still play mom even though her own task pad is overflowing
4. My girlfriends: Lora, Alison, Steph, Barb, Helen, Karen, Beth, Terri, Abbey and Lyssa - and my new sister Shirsten. Nothing better than having a pack to run with and laugh with. These women are my inspiration, my sounding board and sometimes my sanity. Talk about a blessing
5.Lots of dogs, both present and past - even when they break out of the pen, I still love those dopey dogs who worship the ground we walk on.
6. A second chance at a little farm, complete with new ducks, herb garden, pecan tree, and high bush blueberries.
7. My first love - who taught me what it felt like to love and lose, and enabled me to see Justin for who he really was right from the beginning.
8. My brother who taught me about persistence
9. Being an American, where I can pursue my dreams and whine out loud if I need to
10. Having an awesome and faithful God who has given me a multitude of "one-more chances" and Who has carried me when I could not make the way on my own.

You never know how much longer you have whether it is another 39 years - or 39 days, I am a happy girl with lots of blessings to count. Have a happy day - it is so much easier when you are busy being thankful.

Remembering D-Day and other trivia

Busy today, but I wanted to post some interesting things I read about today. First of all , I have spent most of my life explaining to people the the mark of the Beast is 3 "6's" not the four in my birthday, so weirdign out about a June 6th birthday - well it is just plain silly.

Second I want to thank the nice girl at WalMart who carded me last week for the Killians - still happy about that.

And now for some bits of birthday trivia:
On June 6, 1944, the D-Day invasion of Europe took place during World War II as Allied forces stormed the beaches of Normandy, France.

In 1925, Walter Percy Chrysler founded the Chrysler Corporation.
In 1933, the first drive-in movie theater opened in Camden, N.J.
In 1934, the Securities and Exchange Commission was established.
In 1942, Japanese forces retreated in the World War II Battle of Midway.
In 1966, black activist James Meredith was shot and wounded as he walked along a Mississippi highway to encourage black voter registration.
In 1966, I was born to a single mom in Southfield Michigan - and adopted by my folks about a month later.
In 1968, Sen. Robert F. Kennedy died at Good Samaritan Hospital in Los Angeles, a day after he was shot by Sirhan Bishara Sirhan.
In 1985, authorities in Brazil exhumed a body later identified as the remains of Dr. Josef Mengele, the notorious “Angel of Death” of the Nazi Holocaust.
In 1987 I went with my parents, while about 8 months pregnant with Jerra, down to Union Station to have my first legal drink - a Strawberry Daqueri.
Ten years ago: U.S. astronaut Norman Thagard broke NASA’s space endurance record of 84 days, one hour and 16 minutes, aboard the Russian space station Mir.
In 2000, the kids were at my folks for the summer, so I went out to dinner with Steph, Barb, and Helen to the Holiday Inn in Chinle Arizona for free-range chicken.
In 2004, We were driving back home from Kansas City where we had stopped on our way home from Steph and Mark's wedding.

Obi Won Cannoli

Funniest thing I have seen in a long time! For all fans of organic foods - or Star Wars - you gotta see this!

Canyon de Chelly - where I used to work and where we went for Thanksgiving this past year. This is the most beautiful national monument - you can hike in the canyon at no cost, the local restaurants are great and the Navajo people - well, they are simply my favorites. If you ever have occasion to work the Canyon into your plans - it is well worth the detour!

The Day Before You

Have you heard the song by Rascal Flats by this name? If you are waiting for that person to come along, it brings some solace.

This is a week of reflection - since I am turning 39 on Monday and I have started this new life. I love the line from You've Got Mail when Kathleen Kelly ( Meg Ryan) is told that she is very brave to dream of a new future, a new life.

Last year on June 3rd, I had spent the night with the kids at Jim and Brenda's house in Wheatfields, Arizona. They were good hosts and I had blue curaco margaritas the night before until my sides hurt from laughing. That morning we got up, got our things together and headed back to Albuquerque to see Stephanie. She finally found the right man and was getting married to him in two days, and I got to be in the wedding. I was feeling pretty quiet. The morning before I found out that the Ogre had let my dog out of the 6-foot fence and she had gotten hit and killed on the interstate. He denied letting her out, but unless she grew opposable thumbs, there was no other way it could have happened. I had talked to him the morning before and thoughts of losing sweet Chloe kept climbing back to the surface.

The drive took us about 4 hours - unfortunately, the boys had covered themselves in Rez dirt and were way past disgusting, so we checked in early to the Days Inn in Bernalillo. I did have the good sense to feed them from Sonic - which we didn't have in Indiana - before stopping at the hotel - single mom trick - keep them fed if you want them to behave.

I left the kids to bathe and swim and went to meet Steph and the rest of the wedding party at the Nail Salon. As usual - I was late. Sorry Steph. The salon was relaxing - though I still think the lady filed my nails down way too far. I got to meet Magnolia, one of Steph's aunts who is a massage therapist. There is a gal you want to have come over so you can get drunk and laugh about life. What a great lady. Also there was her mom, mom's best friend Anita, sister in-law Janene - whom I just adore - and Erin -Steph's best friend from Chicago - who is always fun, always gracious and a joy to be around. We Midwesterners have to stick together!

After the nail session, we were supposed to meet at the Albuquerque Isotopes Stadium for a ball game about an hour later. I got back to the hotel and Jerra and I decided to mess with my hair by putting in some highlights. The Ogre wanted my hair auburn, so I was doing my best to silently protest by making it blonde. That being done, we fished the boys out of the pool and brought them upstairs to get dressed while I hopped in the shower. Once in the shower, I heard a knock on the door. Jake answered it and let in our friend and former neighbor, Larry. He had seen the kids downstairs. Unfortunately, when I came out in a towel, Larry was still there. He said that he didn't realize I was up for that much skin - and if I would wait a minute, he'd get rid of the kids and be right back. I was so far past embarrassed - probably red up to my eyeballs. I shooed him out of the room and got everyone else ready.

The pants I was going to wear to the game had been accosted by my 9 year old with some sort of blueness - I think from the slush - so I had to wear my white linen skirt. I threw on makeup - though I finished it up in the car. I remember looking in the mirror thinking how old I looked, then being so thankful that I had gotten to see Helen and Barb, Jim and Brenda and that I just felt better being on the Reservation.

Then we piled into the Cherry Van and hopped the interstate to the baseball game. The drive was noisy - Jake and Josh bouncing in the back seat like their shorts were on fire. I was not looking forward to the game, it was hot and I was tired of running all day long. We parked and walked across the street.

Jake was out ahead of us and bounded to the top of the stairs. I saw Steph's dad and the rest of the party. There was a guy in a grey shirt with big pink flamingos with them. Jake was in his flame/dragon red and orange shirt in a similar design. He reached the top of the stairs first and went up to the man. Later I learned that he bumped into him, body slamming hello. I looked for the rest of the group while trying to keep and eye on Jake. After the group settled on tickets, I went over to the man, who was with the group. I wasn't sure who he was since Steph had invited a couple of old friends as well as some of Mark's college buddies.

I apologized to the man since now Jake was standing arm and arm with him, walking in the stadium as though they had been friends forever. He said Jake was fine and walked in to sit down. I remember vividly thinking that he was very kind and looked very tired.

That is my first memory of Justin, and the last memory I have of feeling alone in the world.

We have both written about that night - how we talked about Harry Potter and politics and religion and fatigue and fibromyalgia and dating and the Ogre and kids and a hundred other things. I remember that he drank beer, ate nachos with too many jalepenos on them and had blue eyes the same color as Jacob's. Steph turned around as did her mom, a couple of times when we got too loud, laughing about one thing or another and asked what was going on - we both replied nothing - but apparently we were mistaken.

Neither of us have any idea who won the game - oddly enough it just occurred to me that we haven't bothered to ask about it yet.
It is a story of divine intervention or luck or chance or whatever you want to call it. To me it is just proof that you never know which day will be "the day before you".

Intricacies

The fine line between love
and obsession have blurred
smudging together the end of me
and the beginning of you.

Perhaps all newlyweds feel this way
Euphoric, tired, scared, happy
Totally unmotivated to do anything
But linger in another sweet kiss.

Never have I loved so deeply
That it seems the breath in my lungs
Waits for your return
Eagerly patiently blue

My own life is still here
Kids and dogs and ducks and dishes
White coat consults visiting
People in need of hope

Never have I been so afraid
To be myself, voice my thoughts
and yet I am compelled
Forced by my own emotions into honesty

There are parts of who I am
That I keep hidden, protected
And to expose these intricacies is the final
Step in being truly loved

But fear is intermingled with hope,
Rational thoughts suspended in your arms
What if you see me for who I really am
and decide you don't like me?

Or worse yet... The real fear
What if there is a reason that I have been
left before, like discarded paper plates at a picnic
And the day comes that I wake up alone again.

Rainy Day Reflections

It is raining like mad again this morning. I decided to forgive the ducks for their adventurous nature yesterday since they followed me without incident to the big pen this morning. I changed out of my nightgown and into my tie-dye shirt - perhaps that helped. I have named the ducks - unintentionally. The Crested is Flopsy - I keep calling her that it may as well be her name! The Pekin is Madge - then the ducklings have a couple who are named: Stripe and Purdue. Funny how the names just come to you.

When I came home yesterday it was still raining - so I went out to do animal check. Our white dogs are almost entirely red from the mud in their yard. The ducks loved the rain, but were a little put out that their food got wet - have to come up with a way to stop that. Since it was pretty pleasant in spite of the rain, I decided to plant the blanket flowers and yarrow I bought two weeks ago. I am having trouble discerning where there will be enough sunlight for full sun plants, so they may get planted and then moved later depending upon what happens suring the summer. The hydrangea bush is blooming - actually it has exploded into this huge mound of powder blue blooms. Our shower is two stories up and the window in the shower overlooks the backyard. When I looked out of the shower this morning, I think there is a second hydrangea bush starting to bloom and I can see the ducks in the big pen waddling around eating mosquitoes - good girls.

Over the weekend, I found a red honeysuckle bush - made the trip to Indiana worthwhile. I am trying to do the flowers in the back yard in reds and oranges and yellows to go with the redwood deck and the brown house. I think I will plant the honeysuckle and a Joseph's coat rose bush side by side at the edge of the deck so that we can smell the fragrance as we sit out on the deck. Justin loves the smell of honeysuckles - they remind me of growing up. When we lived in Indianapolis, there was a hedge of honeysuckles that grew just outside my window and I could smell them all summer long - it was a heady sweet fragrance that seemed to cling to the moisture in the air.

The jasmine that climbs up the wall smells better that the stuff I smelled at Home Depot - good thing because I was seriously considering cutting it down. I also made the executive decision that my vegetable garden will have to go outside the fence - probably in that little area that cleared when the trees fell last winter.

I have noticed that a lot of this house is a reflection or a shadow of the house I grew up in . Our bedroom walls are olive green - the same color as the carpet in my room. The kitchen walls are lemon yellow - like the wall in my room - and the yellow my mom uses at the lake house to paint all the bird houses. The basement is in browns and oranges - like our family room in the old house. It had this great built-in bookcase, maybe I will find a spot in this house to do the same thing - goodness knows we have enough books. The walls bear my mom's paintings - just like the house I grew up in .

Funny how much changes and how much stays the same.

Body Image

I read once that there is no supposed ot be in bodies. I see people everyday here at the hospital - and the array of what makes us is astounding. Length of bone, body wieght, hair, skin color -so much variation. This occurs to me becaues yesterday I was looking at a blog that had something akin to flat belly friday - pictures of girls with flat bellies and the obligatory sexy underwear. My first thought was how much I miss the days of a flat belly. Then I remembered that I gave up that belly after I had my daughter - then more lines as I added the sons. My belly bears the scars of three beautiful children - the muscles stretched to carry them. Some women have three kids - or twelve kids - and their bodies get back into line -not mine.

Body image is such a touchy thing. I really can't complain - my cholesterol is good, my blood sugar is good, my blood pressure is fine - everyting functions like it shoudl with a minimun of muscle pain when I overdo it. I don't really have any physical problems except that my stupid wieght won't come down. Truth is I know i need to exercise, I know that would do it but I am apparently not tired enough of it

Seriously... This isn't a Monday???

I was awakened by the ringing of the cell phone alarm. I could hear the rain outside, but was already going through the list of things to do in my head.

Justin was tired and didn't get up until late - which meant I was also going to be late because we share a bathroom. Sharing doesn't really mean the way it sounds, usually, he gets ready first and I wait until he is done so I can hop in the shower.

So, he gets up late and I decided to tackle the dishes. We have family coming over tonight to drop some things off and I don't want the house to look like we live in pestilence, so I get the dishes done. Now it is 7:25 and he emerges from the bedroom ready to go - I still have to shower and get the ducks and dogs taken care of. I was hoping the rain would subside, but it doesn't.
I go outside still in my nightgown, barefoot, to take care of the ducks. The Pekin and Crested decide they are going to tour the yard rather than follow me this morning - so I spend 15 minutes trying to get them in the pen. Now it is 7:40 and I have to get water for the ducklings and my feet are dirty and my nightgown is starting to stick to my back because I am soaked.

I come back inside, hop in the shower and my fingers are cold - making the water from the shower seem like it is scalding hot. I take the fasted shower known to man and rush out to get dressed. As I am putting on my shoes, it occurs to me that I haven't heard the dogs. Shit.

I call Justin and he indeed kenneled the dogs - meaning that they are trapped and unable to get out to relieve themselves. More importantly, I will have to go out, now dressed for work, and let them out of the kennel into the mud and rain. Great. I switch shoes and clomp back out to their pen. I can't find Bear. She is notorious for escaping, so I search the edges of the pen looking to see where she dug out. Still can't find her - the rain is coming down harder and I am getting red mud splashed up the back of my pants . There is a loud crash behind me and THREE dogs come bursting out of the pen - Bear being in the back. Then I let Scout out of the kennel and bend one of the prongs on my ring. I run for my life out of the pen hoping none of them will jump up and spread red mud all over my clothes.

I get out to my van and the seat back on the drivers seat gives way. It now reclines back nicely - but offers no support while driving. I am seriously thinking about calling in sick.

I get to work, breakfast is good, the workload is good. I have to go back out to my van to get some insulin start kits - it is sprinkling when I leave the building but of course pouring on my way back in. I want a nap - I have put in a 10 -hour day from my stress level alone.
I seriously don't want to be at work and luckily I only have two more hours to kill until I can get outta here!