I have been married three times

Last night when the words were spoken, they smacked me right up-side my face. It is not something I try to hide, but it is not a great thing to remember. How the hell do you get to be 38 and have three ex-husbands? I can just see the 16-year old version of me yelling this and wondering what ever happened to the Italian guy across the river. Well, I have struggled all day with this, and honestly, I am not sure how it ended up this way. I never got married with the intent to get divorced. I got married twice to "do the right thing" and once because I wanted to. That is a lot of trips down the long aisle with nothing but beautiful kids to show for it.

I married Jerra's dad when I was just twenty. Two months pregnant, I had the edict from my parents that if I loved him enough to get pregnant, then I loved him enough to be married. Parts of that life were about love - but mostly they were about being needed by someone else. When Jerra was born and I couldn't shoulder the burdens alone, things fell apart quickly. She was six months old when I left. Funny thing is I lived through adultery then, and drinking, and waiting for a welfare check to come. He left lots of things undone, so I had to learn how to patch holes and fix toilets and sinks, or else it wouldn't get done. When I promised to honor and cherish, I meant it. I think he did too - it was the practical aspects of staying sober and employed that turned out to be a problem. Is it my fault - I don't know.

I spent the next four years dating, but refusing to get serious - even turning down a man who could have stepped up and been a great dad to Jerra because I was so afraid to trust someone again. Joshua was born during this time, to a single mother trying to work through nursing school. Probably could have gotten married, but the spark just wasn't there and I certainly wasn't going to drag someone else through the quagmire of loving me more than I could love them back.

Then two more years passed and Jake's dad came along. He needed a family, he needed grounding and he was charming. We were together for a year before I remotely entertained the idea of getting married. My plan was just to live together as long as I could get away with it. There was parental pushing again, and we got engaged - in that eternally romantic way: I asked him if he thought we should get married, he said he was in no hurry, but that we could get engaged. He said since it was my ring, I should find one and buy it. I did. About two weeks later we got married. He wasn't ready, I knew it, but I didn't want to lose him, so I walked the aisle. Seemed the only choice at the time. Didn't work. I got pregnant with Jake and after months of begging him to quit threatening to leave me during every disagreement, he finally left and didn't come back. Maybe I pushed, maybe I was a pain in the butt - very probable. Never should have gotten married, and living together would have run it's course soon enough. Even after he left and the papers were signed, I felt bound to love and honor - I promised and just because he renigged , didn't mean I was not still bound by my own promise. I still try very hard to honor him and watch what I say - because I promised.

The last time, was my fault. After Jake's dad left I there was occasionally a boyfriend, but nothing serious and eight years passed. I wanted to believe the Ogre's lies and I didn't make him wait for me long enough. He was talking about marrying me the first week, and I should have seen it. But loneliness and abstinence makes a person do stupid things - so I got trapped. Should have known better. After asking to marry me, he didn't want to set a date, but he did want to be able to start sleeping over at my house. Should have bailed then - missed my chance.

So what does this mean???? I don't know exactly. I am not proud of the choices I have made - but I am proud that I have taken responsibility for the kids and didn't try to blame my troubles on someone else. I do know that I love someone now and it is not out of duty - or because he needs rescuing - or because I am lonely - or because I am settling. I have never felt like I do now - I can see my grandkids playing in the yard with him - envision us on a cruise boat eating jello with our dentures - I dream of the mornings after the kids are gone that we stay in bed just a little longer because we can. I never needed someone so completely - never wanted to be with someone just to watch him sleep and feel the heartbeat in his chest. I cannot stand to imagine that he ever took a lover before me - so precious is he, that I want that part of his life all to myself. He doesn't deserve to be my fourth husband - and for every moment that he has to think of me with someone else, I am eternally sorry. I cry about that sometimes because it is a hurt that I cannot take away from him.

And yet, the road has led us both here. I don't want to ever return the gift God has given me in Justin. I wish I could turn back the clock, that I had waited for him all this time - but then there would be no children and I would be a different woman. Every love has a price to pay - children require the sacrifice of our own agenda and this love requires acceptance of our pasts, painful and colorful as they may be.