I forgot

Once, a long time ago, I knew what it was to be a girl
I knew to let the doors be opened, the bill be paid
A woman's worth is not measured in her income,
And the pleasure of her company is often the only repayment needed

Then things began to change and a cold wind swept in
Words were said and over time I started to believe them
Carry your load, this is your problem and your responsibilitiy
This burden is on you and will be carried with dignity

I was told that my shoulders were to bear my transgressions
Alone
And to ask for help meant accepting humiliation
and a recounting of my shortcomings - a list I know by heart

So I stopped asking for help - until I got so snowed under
I no longer had a choice but to ask and accept the consequences
And many days I just went without whatever I needed
Understanding that to dignity entailed self-sacrifice.

Now I am in a different place, and I feel like a starved child now being fed
I know there is another meal, yet deep down I am terrified
Afraid to go back to the emaciated life I had before,
Still trying to protect myself from a danger that is now a ghost

I feel uuncomfortable relaxing and filling up my soul
Yet, I need the air and the light that are in this new place
And I find myself gulping it down, savoring the goodness
I defy my own logic,sneaking nourishment and stashing it in fear

My soul has forgotten the comfort of depending upon another person
I had forgotten that the burden is often shouldered by two
I forget still that it is safe to ask
When help is needed - instead of waiting too long.

It is so hard for me to depend upon someone else
I sometimes feel like a burden - like I am not carrying my weight
But there is an abundance of blessed reassurance
And no review of my faults, only patience and kindness

And finally, I don't feel alone.