(Warning: Personal vent - if you are going to get your feelings hurt, stop reading now)
I haven't found a job I can live with yet. Oddly enough, this is really stressing me out. I am back to being a loner - having taken time last Friday to change my name and my status back to officially single - though single with three dependents would be more appropriate. I am finding that I am tired and I want to withdraw back to that place where I only have to answer to myself about what is going on in my life - but I am not in a position where I can do that right now - depending upon the kindness of others in a way I have never had to do. I don't like being dependent - never have been before -and it feels dangerous. Even worse is this overwhelming need of late for reassurance - feeling needy - and for a loner, neediness is a death sentence.
Perhaps it is the old habit of being responsible - solely responsible for the kids that has me in such a funk. I have taken very little personal time - time to do what I wanted to - over the past seventeen years. I do not regret for one second the choice to become a mom - but I have been a mother now since I was twenty. There are a lot of things I have passed by and on occasion - especially now when I am trying to clear my head - I feel that lack of personal time. Actually, I am feeling the self-induced guilt for relying on others, taking any personal time during the day - not getting enough done. This "enough" thing keeps popping into my head, and indicating to me that maybe I have to start clearing it out of my head. The need to do enough or be good enough is not healthy, but it is an old habit I am falling back into in teh current situation. Add in the mantra I am hearing about "It hasn't been long enough" and I would like to strike the word from Webster. Who draws the line at "enough"? Where is it? I am drawing my own damn line and from here on out, I will decide when it has been long enough, or when I have done enough or if I am enough. Y'all want to agree, that's fine - want to disagree, that's fine too, but I am really tired of people protecting me and making decisions about how my life will go without talking to me first.
The worst part is that I feel the Loner coping coming on. I used to joke that it was not a name, but a lifestyle choice. Having proven that I can be by myself (though who I proved this to is questionable) I want to pull away and be safe. At least when I am by myself I cannot get hurt. I am lonely as hell, but safe. Not a great coping skill set because I find that I am willing to forgo what I need because to ask makes me even more vulnerable. The adrenaline of running has drained and now I am just tired. I just can't ask - I don't know if I can heal it myself, there seem to be so many gaping wounds in my chest already. I have been so busy worrying about the kids, that I haven't bothered to stitch up my own wounds. Seems like it is time now, but there has been a lot of blood lost and I am feeling it.
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