Life, Death and Brick Walls

I had a most interesting and necessary conversation yesterday. I was due. I started down that path of old and very bad coping - and thank God, I was called out on it. Being in love - hell, being alive - requires both life and death to complete the cycle and keep things in balance. It is the same cycle in my garden - a time for everything. There is life and fire that comes from finding someone you are compatible with - an inexplicable joy when kindness that you don't deserve and didn't expect is displayed over and over again. There is a new life - almost like a new entity - in the boundaries of the relationship - it is a creature that changes your course, effects what you think about and colors your dreams.

But there is also death - doors that close and I had forgotten that part. I know better, but I had forgotten. The door has closed on my old life - the place is gone, the things left at the house are gone, my lovely job, going to football games all weekend and watching the Boilermakers, the garden and the ducks are gone. It is not sad anymore - it just is.
There is also the death to the parts of the psyche that deceive me into believing I am better off alone, that I am safe when I am alone. There is a death to the idea that I am able to live without the help of others. It is a death to my pride - which should have been buried weeks ago. Without accepting the death of those ideas, I trivialize the great gifts of generosity and kindness bestowed upon me - and I am sorry for that. Having a little difficulty moving through the stages of mourning, but at least now I figured out what the problem is.
It is a cycle, old things pass away and new things are born. I know sometimes it takes a brick wall for me to get it - I hate being bullheaded. The lesson continued today as I was reminded that Job lost everything - including his wife and kids and he never lost faith that restoration was coming. I only lost dreams and ducks - so I need to stop the whining and feeling sorry for myself. I have been given the gift of friendship in a time when I didn't have enough sense to accept it freely. I doubted, for a couple of days now, that restoration was forthcoming. But I know better - my heart is restored every morning when I awaken to find there a man who loves me, my children nestled sleeping safely in their beds and a new day dawning with possibilities.