Killing me Softly

What is it about our personalities that requires a bad habit to feel alive? Is this yet another therapy issue - or is it just the way people are made? I was thinking about it this morning, and it is really odd. I spend extra money to buy produce that is organic -don't buy much processed food at all because of all the artificial junk in it and the damage that does to the immune sustem. I can and grow my own garden when I am able just to know there is nothing in that food but food. But every morning, I line up at the fountain for a Diet Coke or Diet Dr Pepper. That is really messed up. Spend all day trying to avoid additives and junk - then load up with 2 litres worth of chemicals that will eventually cause my gut to leak or my heart to palpitate from the caffeine. It would be worse for my body if I ate junk food all day long on top of the pop, but it is not good.
Choosing to eat healthy seems to most people like a chore - rather than a reward for making enough money to be able to afford healthy food - as opposed to subsisting on Ramen noodles and Macaroni and cheese. It somehow seems like punishment to use the low-carb or low fat versions, rather than a reward. The wiring is definitely off. Eating healthy does all kinds of great things to help me live longer and keep all of my parts working and attached as long as possible - it helps to assure that I will be around to see my grandkids. And yet - there is much less joy in Chicken and broccoli than there is in a big bacon cheeseburger.
When I worked as a smoking cessation counselor, a lot of people said that they smoked because it was the one decadent thing they had in their lives, it made them feel vibrant and alive. Nicotine is just as ugly on the immune system - and the nervous system as caffeine is - and smoked tobacco is laden with tons of other chemicals. People don't continue to smoke because they don't know cigarettes are dangerous. But there is a pressing need to do something decadent. A Juice smoothie or carrot sticks just don't do it.
So I guess the conclusion drawn from this little exercise, is that I have to find something that feels decadent, but won't really hurt me. For a while there I went out to breakfast almost every morning - that felt great, but wasn't really dangerous. Maybe I need to try more low carb ice cream - or spending the extra money to get exotic fruit - or hair color or a massage. There have to be some ways to feel indulgent without sacrificing my body to do it - it defies logic to reward my life by killing myself slowly.