Feeling very much more like Pack Mule than Princess these days

Some days, it is easier than others to be giving.

Today, I have worked my tail off - only to find that someone was unethical in their dealings and that I may have to disappoint a number of people and give bad news that has nothing to do with anything I have done- but will probably require I endure some fussing. Super excited about that prospect.

Sometimes work requires tasks that I absolutely wouldn't do unless someone paid me - and this is one of those tasks. But I love my job and I love impacting people's ability to care for themselves well and get their lives back - so I will be ethical in my dealings and try to make it right.

My daughter is struggling. Unfortunately she has followed down some of the negative paths I have and as a result she is hurting. I had hoped that my struggles would be enough to help her choose more wisely, and instead, it seems they have been an excuse for her to make many of the same mistakes. Why is it that we hurt the ones we love the most - and why can't we learn from other people's mistakes? This is so frustrating! There is hope on the horizon for her, and I know that in the long run she will be fine, but it is so hard to watch her struggle unnecessarily.

It seems like things just go from one crisis to another - thing after thing- day after day - and that there are a lot of days strung together where I am putting out fires. I wonder if my life is indeed a lesson to others. Maybe I will write a book about it - for posterity- for apology- for some reason as yet undefined. I listen to other people talk about things in their lives - and seriously, I don't hear about folks having 5 crises at once!!!

I feel tired right now - like the bone tired that makes me want to climb into the covers of my waterbed and just crash out for days at a time. I hate sleeping alone- and in all honesty, if I didn't have this ongoing long-distance love affair with God going on, I would feel incredibly lonely. I find such great comfort in attributing the little things that go well - like a free cappuccino when I am out of money - or finding milk on sale - or the sunshine on my head as I drive through the mountains - to God. I like the idea that someone actually likes me the way that I am.

My burden feels heavier today - maybe because I need rest - or maybe because I am acutely aware of my age and continued single-status.

I've met several folks on eHarmony because I am just not into the bar scene, I've met several men at church- but each time there is something missing. That something seems to be a spark or an interest more intense than noticing gum on your shoe as you are walking. I have turned this over - but I am impatient- even though love requires it of me. I am anxious and wonder if I have vested my attention in vain - even though love requires me to think well of others.

I don't know much, but I do know this:
If you have been blessed enough to find someone who is imperfect and who loves you back, you have found a great treasure and you should treat it as such. It is a gift and should not be taken for granted.

So to answer the question before it is asked: there is not a specific someone- but there is the spectre of someone who will be here eventually and I would love that to be sooner rather than later. I could seriously use one evening to just be a girl and lay my head on his shoulder and let the world spin without my assistance.