This December

First and formost - congratulations to Karla - and baby Nate, born 12-22-06. You can click over to see her story, but in this season when so much of my focus has been on letting someone go, it is wonderful to have a moment to welcome a new someone into the world.

The visit to see my folks has been tough this time. There have been harsh words, and I find myself ending my evenings with just enough vodka that it doesn't hurt. The tears are so close to the surface these days - and it isn't just my dad. It is hard to watch my folks, in what should be the autumn of their lives together, struggle to make sense of each new symptom, wondering if each new turn will mean the end. though they have handled it with outstanding grace adn poise, I have been around them long enough to notice those nuances that an outsider would miss. It is hard to watch two people who have found the love of their lives say goodbye.

There is Jake's struggle with medications and finding friends at school, Bear's struggle to love and allow herself to be loved while becoming an adult and starting to take on adult responsibilities, Josh's strugle with identity, and finding a balance between independence and disrespect, and the phase Justin and I are in. Things have always been a bit syncopated, where I am at one place and he is not exactly in the same place. But now, with all the balls I feel like I am balancing, there are more days that I feel alone, despite his very clear committment to stand with me. It is a difficult time.

I don't mean to be such a whiny butt at Christmas time, but there are times when despite all the sparkling lights and tinsel, that internally, things are not bright. Each new day brings hope - and brings all these things closer to resolution, but for tonight, I am off for another drink so that I can sleep a dreamless sleep, and make it through the night.