Illuminata

I have a new friend and he has asked me to pray about where our relationship is going - to get a magic answer from God about whether it is a good idea. Well, this is what I came up with:
when grown-ups love one another they are independent and able to take care of themselves, but together they are support system and a cheering section and a synergistic force greater than the two individuals alone. When it is the real deal there is not the ongoing anxiety of trying to be someone or something else- you are allowed to be yourself- emotions and runny nose and warts and all.

Good lovers and good friends bring peace, comfort, love, energy, relaxation, laughter, and sparkle to your life- they enhance who you already are.

so, the real irony is that I was so concerned about finding a special someone and now that I have someone in my life, all I want to do is be careful with him. The hurry is over. And for today, there is peace and joy.

Gun Anxiety

Saturday afternoon I was out wandering the streets and we saw a sign for a gun show. Not my normal fare, but I was up for the adventure.

So...

we get to the fairgrounds parking lot and find that we have entered into the wrong place. We pull around following the arrows only to find they are directing us to a parking deck that is not related to teh gun show- or to anything else as far as I can see. We back up and go to the gate, which is now bolted closed. We are not supposed to be here. There is no where to go as the normal pathways are strewn with lights for what I can only assume is an evening light show which involves driving around a parking lot looking at colored bulbs. Welcome to Georgia... sorry, I digress. Eventually after pulling through a number of turns and finding locked gate after locked gate, we moved some lights and cut across the parking lot to the gun show, only to find it was closing for the night. A bigbusted bleached blonde gal at the door assured us that we could come again tomorrow. alright then.

My friend has a very small convertable- beautiful piece of equipment, but when you put Jake who is 6'3" and me 5'10" into this car, well it is like clowns at the circus- amusing at the very least. I think it is charming that he thinks we are small enough to fit in this car- we are not. Sardines. So the three of us loaded up and headed to the Gun Show. Not sure what I expected, though I knew it would be an adventure.

Dad had a Remington rifle that we would take out and shoot at the lakehouse- my mom has it now. Justin had a pistol, and I never felt comfortable with it- either because of issues with him or issues gun itself- not sure. When he left, the gun left with him. I have never had a gun - except the air-soft guns that Jake is enamored of. And two weeks ago, Jake managed to shoot himself in the foot with his new BBgun- with a lead pellet no less- so my experience with guns is limited, but I am open to the idea. Key word here is the "idea" of a gun. I found it very disconcerting when I placed a Glock in my hand and actually liked how it felt. There was a certain amount of connection- and when I moved to the Smith and Wesson revolver, it was even worse...or better...I'm still not sure exactly. There is something primally alluring about a weapon of destruction- like holding the balance of life and death in your hands. I liked the guns. But still at this point, they are not loaded, they are not in my house, they are still just an idea.

We wandered around the gun show for nearly 4 hours- ran into used-car salesmen, ex military guys, Bubbas, and rampant testosterone - quite the people-watching occasion. It was fascinating. There were a couple of guys who had very clearly made a life's work out of defending the nation by using that weaponry- knives and swords and guns of every shape imaginable. There was a cloud over their eyes - and it made me wonder if the old saying is true - that to take a life requires losing a piece of your soul.

We dropped Jake off and then entered into a realm that I have not allowed myself to go to: should I have a gun in the house- a real gun- with the very real ability to kill someone.

well, there's a question for you.

We live in a country with the right to bear arms. We have had the need of a gun for protection before- and I have considered that if we lived a more rural existance, I would need a shotgun. Buckshot seems less lethal and more of an option for scaring off coyotes, the noise alone would get an intruders attention. But the idea of a handgun just makes me nervous. They seem so much more lethal - and that is the point.

I tried out a handgun and a rifle both, trying to aim and shoot, trying to maneuver around a barrier, and I have to say, there were real advantages to the mobility of the handgun. Seems a lot more functional. My anxiety level was through the roof, knowing that even though the guns were not loaded, that I was still hodling something with the power to take a life- and holding this at a friend's house- just didn't seem like a great plan. But I guess if you can't accidentally shoot your friend, then who can you accidentally shoot.

The question was: if someone came to your house to do you or the kids harm, how would you protect them? Run is my first answer, but that may not be my best option. It would be like bringing a gun to a knife fight - great idea, not that helpful. This is a question I need to answer consciously- and in not choosing, I have made a choice not to have a gun in the house. But that may not be the best choice.

So I am letting the idea simmer a little bit.

I am going to go to the shooting range and take a handgun and see if we love each other.

We'll go from there - and if there is some love, we can talk about moving in together.

Have to wait and see.

Falling Slowly

warming up to the thought of you as you are trying to decide if what you really see is real
my words made you feel 10 feet tall which was only fair since your words made me feel.....

beautiful

in a way that is both unusual and familiar
like the strains of a song I have struggled to remember

I don't know you, but I want to

while burdened with the requirements of being mother and father and rescuer, being a woman is put on the back burner where it becomes dried and charred while waiting to be stirred up.

but you added water- and gently moved the pot to add life back in

my cup is filled to overflowing as I gulp down that which is poured before me
thirst overtaking logic at the end of a dry season

sleep seems to be a luxury item when I can exchange it for what i really need: more time

the sound of your voice, the honest commentary, the understanding that there is a place I may not be able or willing to go without patience and persistance.

i see who you are, maybe seeing more of me than you really want to share

and in that vulnerability i have allowed you to see me as well- and you actually do.

to be seen and loved is the greatest adventure

72 Degrees on the week of Thanksgiving

There are a lot of cultural things that strike me as odd about living in the South as a transplant- and because I am still here by choice, I will not use this space to fuss about them. I do, however, LOVE the weather here most of the time. In the summer, it is HOT everywhere, Atlanta being no exception. I wish there were a better way to shield me from those 90 degree days than just the plethora of trees surrounding the house, but no other viable options have presented themselves, so AC it is. The fall and winter, though, that is where things here get amazing. Three days until Thanksgiving - an occasion that typically is heralded by snow in Indiana, I laid out in the yard in the sun over the weekend and today, drove with the windows down and the sunroof open - being caressed by the sun.

I put in a crop of garlic and leeks last weekend to grow over the winter. The asparagus is lovely with its delicate ferns covering the patch in my garden, carefully guarded by St Francis.

The mums are still covered in miniature firework bursts and bright-faced pansies will winterover in the pots on my south-facing porch. I have pepper plants growing on the windowsill of my kitchen, just waiting to be put into outside pots this weekend. The same weekend we will decorate the house for Christmas. Can't get over the fact that I plant and put up Christmas decorations in the same week. Not a bad deal at all. Lots of crops do well over the winter including the root vegetables like onions and leeks and carrots. I still have tomotoes ripening on the vine and parsley vivid green along the walk. The fruit trees are just branches now and the blueberries have fiery red leaves disguising them as fire bushes for the remainder of the season.

Like nearly every person in the US right now, money is tight, but we have been blessed with a lovely piece of land, a little garden to sustain us and a ton of Ball jars filled with the bounty from this year. There is enough fallen wood to build a skyscraper and if I handle it right, I should be able to have firewood for the bonfire for months to come- now if I could only figure out a way to get a fireplace in my house - I really miss that - and it seems a waste not to have one with so much wood fallen about. But that is another story all together.

In this season of Thanksgiving, I am grateful for a full pantry, and enough money to pay my bills.

Sleep Deprivation for a Good Cause

I was reminded this morning that sometimes I get so busy looking at the trees that I miss the actual forest. This isn't new to me- since I deal with insulin all day long, it is not uncommon for me to get really focused on one issue or one adjustment and then bring that out to examine the bigger picture.

I have a new friend, well, he is quite possibly an old friend and if you believe in past lives, he was probably my friend before as well. Easy conversation which makes the time pass deceptively fast echoes the conversations I have with my closest girlfriends - women I have known for almost half my life. That is a rarity. I have had male friends before who were a lot of fun to engage in conversation- honestly, it is a prerequisite to romance for me now - but this conversation has a level of honestly and transparency that I haven't seen before. It is intriguing - and given the phase I am in right now, it is also moving me forward.

I hadn't realized the amount of time we have spent together, since most of that time is followed by wanting to spend more time and ask more questions, but as it worked out, I have seen him 10 days in a row.
huh?
how is that even possible? I have tons of work- full time job and full time gig with the kids-and I just don't have time.
But apparently I do - and that may be the reason for my sleep deprivation.

I also learned that I do not protect my heart from being broken just because I don't admit to loving someone. It's true: I am selfish about the "I LOVE YOU" words. Don't get me wrong, I certainly have people that I love and I fall quickly and stay there eternally. After where I have been, I have been busy protecting my heart with a piece of waxed paper rather than a shield. Somehow I thought that if I didn't say the words, it would somehow keep my heart from feeling them. Okay - I know this sounds daft- but I actually believed it on some level. I had decided that I would not say those words again for a very long time. But I was called on this particular brand of BS and upon examination, I saw that he was correct: it was BS. I love people- I just do - I love talking with them and seeing them interact and people watching- I am just fascinated by them- and because I am able to see my oneness with them, I love.

I've been thinking a lot about the barriers I have set before myself over the years. Feelings of guilt over failed relationships, things I should have done better as a mother, everyday shortcomings - all became barriers between me and my ability to see myself accurately. It occurred to me that if God is able to see everything that I do and love me both because and in spite of my failings, that I might consider doing this in His image as well: "You are forgiven everything because I love you completely" ( not sure where I read this but it has made all the difference.)
I was willing to forgive people who fell short, who physically hurt me, who were the other party in my failed relationships - those were easy. Forgiving myself was more difficult.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes has a section in Women Who Run With the Wolves where she describes making a map of those key moments in your life which changed its course or caused you to change the way you looked at yourself. Then marking those places with a little cross- like the ones you see beside the road in the Southwest and in Central America. This honors and acknowledges the place on the path where your life changed. Acknowledging that even those mistakes were made with the information you had available then - with the version of yourself that you had then- and they seemed like a good idea at the time. Might not be the same thing we would do now- but we are not in the same place as we were then- so who knows. But they deserve honor because they have shifted who we are to get us to here and now - to our current version. ( I know I like this version of me much better than the 24-year-old version, though her decisions had a big impact on who I am now).

Forgiveness came when I realized that the only way to stop being tethered to that version of me was to stop agonizing over what I had been and move forward. Can't move forward while looking back. And interestingly enough, in looking forward, I am able to change things so that I don't repeat those same mistakes.

And that is where I am this morning - little sleepy- lots to do- but pleased at my choice. I am spending time with someone who is challenging me a better version of myself just by being with him.

iPads, constant contact and Harry Potter

About two weeks ago, my company brought all of us together for training and lavished upon us an iPad. Now before you get all excited or jealous about my new technological toy- let me remind you that I still struggle with my smart phone - and did not own one Apple piece of equipment prior to this item -so I am in WAAAAAY over my head. I have figured out how to use YouTube and the PDF display for clinical articles, and this week, I figured out PODCASTS. I love books on tape- and the idea that I can listen to my favorite authors without having to stop and read a book- well, I am in hog heaven about this.

One of my friends said it best: Steve Jobs is a genius, until I had an iPad, I didn't know I needed one and now I can't imagine living without one. huh.

So today on my hour drive home I listened to a podcast on being intentional about what you want in your life. The author who was in her 40s stated that she had gone through a series of steps in order to bring romantic success to her life. When I heard them, they really rang a bell, so here goes:

1. Forgive yourself for your past faults, failings, adventures, weight....whatever you need to forgive to move on. Get out of your own way.

2. Heal up any old relationships- you know, like the one with your ex who is still your friend, right? Yes, that is correct.

3. Make a list of those things you want in a mate ( my friend Steph did this ages ago- it worked) and look for someone who has most all of those traits, and definitely all the non- negotiables.

4. Be patient and get on with your life while you wait.

Well said, ma'am. And there is the glimmer of a possibility that my waiting days are numbered. That'd be great.

Several months ago, I met someone and I thought he had real potential. He was definitely the kind of man I was interested in on paper. I struggled to make sense of his behavior, and because I couldn't make it fit, it never moved past that awkward stage. And for that I am grateful.

Because had that moved on to something else, I would not be on my way to go see Harry Potter on opening night with someone who fits - and who doesn't make me struggle at all.

Awakening from Hibernation

Bear cubs are born while their mother is hibernating- and if it is timed correctly, they are just getting annoying and loud and mobile at about the time the Spring sun has warmed the grasses and mom is awake and ready to get out of the den.

So too was I in hibernation during this season that my children were born- not fully who I am meant to be- going through the motions of birth and nursing and rearing- but somehow still sleepwalking.

I am waking up now- and the children who surround me are awake and vibrant and mystical in their innate differences which make me fall in love with them over and over again.

I find that I want to sit in the warm sun while watching the fruit trees and berry bushes ripen before my eyes.

I want to wander - and take them with me- as I meander through unknown woods. Maybe I'll meet a bee charmer- Idgie Threadgood may be nearby to tempt me.

I want to dip my feet in the shallow stream and bat at the fish - though I don't think I'll become a sushi convert any time soon - the whole adventure sounds remarkable.

That makes me think of the creek up Tsaile mountain - where there were baby trout swimming upstream- and the children and I would make a little fire and bask in the dappled sunshine beneath the pine trees. This place- the place I go to in my mind's eye when I think of a moment of pure peace- is the home of our "bear story", a dozen cookouts, Jeep trips which included 360 spins in the muddy roads, and filling up water jugs with the mountain fountains which dotted the road there. It is a place of intense memories- and even writing this, it feels like I was just there.

Hibernation is fascinating - from an emotional as well as a physiological perspective. A mammal, who very much needs glucose and food to feed it's body - let alone water to hydrate it - goes into a den and sleeps for months at a time. No food or water - no potty breaks - very little exercise or fresh oxygen - it is a biological improbability at best. And yet, in this state, there is the wonder of birth, and what is akin to death and resurrection played out year after year. The bear just falls asleep and believes that waking will happen when the time is right. That is a LOT of faith- to sleep for that long. To wait. To be patient. To trust that the world around you will be okay on it's own while you sleep.

It is a natural part of the course of a bear's life- and as in all other creatures who can teach us something - the bear teaches us about the power of the body, about trust, and most of all about patience.

I feel like a good stretch....how about you?

The Big Chill

Winter is on the way. This morning, I could tell there was the trace of a colder wind in the air.



There is a rhythm to the way life goes, isn't there. Summer, fall, winter, spring- heat, cooling off, distance, renewal and then heat again - life, harvest, death, life growing beneath the surface, and life again. Cycle after cycle and year after year.



Personally, the knowledge that wherever I am is only temporary has helped me cope with an innumerable situations. Keeps things in perspective when you remind yourself that it isn't permanent- that it is only for a while. Like holding your breath underwater.

I've been having trouble getting warm. I know, I'm in Georgia and it really isn't that cold here - physically cold. There is the constant dampness in the cold weather that seems to penetrate down to my bones - making 50 degrees seem subzero. When we lived in Indiana I wouldn't even get a jacket until it was in the 30s. here I am turning on the heated seats at 60.

But I think it is an outward expression of something inward- I just can't get warm.

I had someone say to me that I had given my heart away. Much as I would like to deny this - it is true. There has been a LOT of settling since then because there wasn't much left to give to anyone else.

And as a result of being in that phase where I am growing my heart back and filling up the chambers with the love of family and friends - I am having trouble getting warm. Yeesh, maybe I am lacking in pulse as well!

Feeling cold makes me sleepy- yawning through important moments in my life.
But most of all, feeling cold makes me want to get warm.

Waterbed is turned up, heated seats are on, little bourbon in the glass, fireplace exuding heat:
They provide momentary warmth- but as I said, I think it is a deeper problem.

When I hug the kids - I feel warm. When I sit by my friends on the couch, I feel warm. And when they are gone, so is the warmth.

I feel like the little Match girl- continually lighting matches because the light and the flames distract my attention long enough to forget the cold.

Don't worry- it is only a season and spring will be here before we know it.

While You Were Sleeping

While you were sleeping, I read the notes you wrote, marveled the pictures you had taken and saw what was important to you- the outline of your heart clearly visible.

Your friends, the fractionated pieces of your life, in picture form with glimmers of sunlight and smiling faces look out at me like stills from an old family album.

While you were sleeping - that relaxed and renewing sleep after the sweetness of life has graced your hours - the curls in your hair filled my daydreams

Through endless miles, I thought of the things you have said to me in friendship, in concern, in service to my family and was filled with thankfulness for you. Passion infuses your words when humor does not, allowing a stream of endorphins and adrenaline to fill the space between us.

It takes a lot more courage to be honest when what you say isn't what the other person wants to hear. That kind of courage is lacking today - impressed is an understatement. When the person in question is formidable, well, then courage is an understatement as well.

The sparks from the split logs in your fireplace emanate warmth and light, like prayer bundles, carrying my burdens skyward. There is comfort in a desolate season where warmth eludes me.

While you were sleeping, I thought about the times that I was not able to be myself and then not able to be the someone else I had become. Decent honorable people are few in this world. Those who take the time to look under the facade are even more rare. I am blessed to count you as my friend and I realized that while you were sleeping.

Best Friends and Other Life Miracles

Loyalty is just not that common anymore. We seem to think that we are in a disposable world: where paper cups and people have the same worth. I've heard people say that other people are irretrievable - that they are not worth my "time" or that they are not worth the effort. Believe me, if you get to know someone and invest the time, it will be well worth it. Like spending $200 to find out that someone is not who they pretend to be - totally worth it to avoid the pain.

Let's be clear - I wasn't around when time or the length of my earthly stay were decided- I just happen to be the very thankful recipient of the gift of life - and I am jumping in with both feet to enjoy it these days. At 44, I am not sure if I am halfway through- maybe even 3/4 of the way, who knows - but I do know what is important.

People are important. Love and hope are important. Showing up is important. Deodorant is also important as is toothpaste. Just sayin'.

This weekend, I watched two of my closest friends, Spencer and Tamela, marry each other. While on the surface it may look like it was me who introduced them- and I did pester them until they agreed to meet - the truth is that the Holy Spirit had them paired up all along. So we believed in love and we showed up. Only, it was I who was blessed by their event - it was I who felt loved and honored by the events of the weekend - and I was reminded of just how powerful love can be when placed in the right hands.

I have been spending a lot of time with another of my friends lately. There is a challenge to keep up when you take two people who both think quickly and try to keep the conversation on any sort of linear train. But a challenge is good for me- and the fact that the time just flies when we are talking is just an added bonus. Patience and acceptance are good. Understanding is good. And all of these things are not a part of the idea that people are disposable, but that people are worth our time and our love. Can't argue with results.

My dear friend, Steph, came over to Atlanta this week. Haven't seen each other in a couple of years and it is just like we were neighbors again. We have been friends since Arizona- so over 13 years now- and that gives her the right to say whatever she feels like she needs to. Easy conversation - honesty - talking about the things we face as working moms and the potential solutions. Nothing better than alone time with an old friend whose counsel you trust. She is a treasure and seems to be continually looking out for my best interest- for the gift of an angel who watches over me- I am again thankful.

Over the weekend - and on most weekends, I spent time with my friend Mary. She is like my older sister, since I didn't have an older sister. With 5 kids, she has a lot of mothering experience - a quick sense of humor - but most importantly, she always makes me feel welcome at her house. The ability to go there and just be for a few hours is invaluable. It is with her family that holidays and birthdays are celebrated in my yellow kitchen. She is who I call in the morning on my way to work. Mary is an action hero- if you need something taken care of, she signs up -she SHOWS up when there is a program at church or a friend who just had surgery and needs a meal. She is a gem and has taught me a lot about having a servant's heart - always the first one there and the last one to leave at church functions. She definitely gets that right.

My friend J has taught me a lot about acceptance. For a long time - even into this year - I felt GUILTY about feeling what I feel. Seriously, that is not healthy thinking and I would not be pleased with my kids at all if they did the same thing. She taught me that being just who you are, and saying what you really think is charming and lovely and most of all: not a cause for folks to run away screaming from you.

Tonight is the coup de gras, though. I am going to see my friend Lora. She is my oldest and dearest friend- having met her at Parents Without Partners when I was pregnant with Josh - so nearly 20 years ago! hard to believe. She has been my model for single parenting, a model for my Walk with Christ and my closest confidant. We know each other's secrets and that is a wondrous place to be- liberating in that there isn't anything I can say that would shock her because she has seen me at my worst - and she loves me anyway. Though we live over 4 hours away right now, she is as close as the phone. We trade dating stories, kid stories and we keep each other in prayer- probably the most valuable aspect of our friendship.

I felt moved this morning to write about this, because in the end, it is the love of those around you which is important- the network of making friends and intertwining your lives that is so very touching - and it is that love that fills the heart to overflowing.

Here is my wish for you: that you know the love of a dear friend who "gets" you and loves you anyway. That you show up and be present in the first place and most importantly, that your life is full of moments which steal your breath. Be blessed.

Remnants from a Cold War

When I was growing up we lived near Fort Benjamin Harrison in Indianapolis. In the 80s and somewhat beyond, it was the accounting center for the military- where all the checks were written and bills were paid- or at least this is what I remember about it.

In the early 80s a movie came out called "The Morning After" which detailed one scenario of what the earth would be like after a nuclear war - blackness, radiation, people who lived with complete lawlessness in order to survive -a veritable hell on earth.

Even though I was at a Catholic school and certainly believed in God on some level, the whole idea of dying young was frightening. When the movie came out, kids talked about it, and so did the teachers. Not long afterwards, there was an assembly at school for the older grades. It was explained to us in very matter-of-fact terms that should a nuclear bomb hit the nearest First Strike Target ( Fort Ben) that we would have nothing to worry about. The explosion and the subsequent firestorm would incinerate us - and there would be no lawless survivors among us. I think this was said to reassure us that we would be at peace and miss out on all the horrible things depicted by the film, but at 12, I don't think I ever let go of that sensation I had: leaned over with my legs crossed and my head resting on the inside wall of the hallway at school, covered by my arms for protection. During those drills, part of me accepted the inevitability of being blown away suddenly by a power that I had no control over. A little fatalistic, isn't it.

The battles of the Cold War and the ideology that Russia is the bastion of Evil in the world has faded out of popularity. We have new bad guys now which include folks from the Middle East, Somalia, North Korea and China- just to name a few. They are a little harder to characterize because their motivations are so diverse, but Terror Alerts tell us they are a threat - not as easy to fictionalize in a movie though- Russians are tough and sound menacing - just saying.

I was talking with a friend last night and when he asked about whether I believed that there were forces around us who could hurt us through an act of war, I had to say yes. I don't feel strongly about one particular threat, but rather, a nagging feeling that I should have things in order. I keep a stock of water, medicine and canned foods - though I didn't gather them for a coming war- but rather for emergencies like a flood or tornado when those resources might be needed. I have a couple of solar lanterns, some flashlights and radios which use solar or crank handles and some other alternative source items like battery powered chargers and sterno to cook with should we need it.

This begs the question: exactly how prepared should we be? Do I need to move away from the US to protect my family? Do I need a generator - a protected well- solar panels - a compound in Waco??? It is a tough question to answer, especially because I can not logically place a name on the nagging threat I think is coming - harder to prepare for something when you only have a generalized idea.

So I wonder - where is the "right" place between living completely off the grid, totally self sufficient but isolated.... and living in town with complete dependence on municipal utilities? There has to be a sweet spot.

I think farmers had it right: grow a garden and plant trees to sustain your famliy and enable you to control what you eat- have a back up generator or a root cellar in case you need one- have a back up plan for an emergency.

What do you think???

Peace and Eggs

My friend Stephanie is here. We have been buddies for over 10 years now: bonding in Arizona on the Navajo reservation, then seeing each other for Thanksgivings, meeting Justin at her wedding and then several trips back and forth to my house and to hers in Albuquerque. Honestly, I want to retire either in New Mexico or back in Indy so that I will live by either Steph or Lora as an old lady. Gotta be where your best buddies are! Her visit couldn't have come at a better time for me. Nothing like an old friend to challenge you and help you peel back the layers to the bare truth.

And so it was that last night driving back from WalMart with groceries in the back seat she landed the question: How do you like your eggs?

In the movie the Runaway Bride, Julia Roberts is confronted by the question of how she really likes her eggs - because in all of her relationships she conforms who she is to the man in question and has her eggs however he has his eggs. Abject adoration of the man in question leads him to think he loves her as the perfect match whether she is or not. Her fascade prevents him from seeing who she really is- and prevents love from really entering her life. The scene unfolds with her discovering what she really wants and become the conossieur rather than settling on things she just isn't into- sorry for the chick movie reference, but I am, after all, still a girl.

I like them fried in butter and olive oil with fresh ground pepper with bacon on the side.
Or in an omlet with just about anything but salsa - just for the record.

Justin came over for the cookout last night and we were able to talk about what I needed to know. It is like walking on thin ice when you try to re-establish a friendship after a marriage has gone awry - especially with some of our extenuating circumstances- so we were both a little cautious about opening up. Once the first truth was spoken, it was followed by another and another. I heard what I needed to hear - and a couple things I didn't want to hear - but needed to. When they say the truth will set you free, they aren't kidding. Knowing what his thoughts were gave me the information I needed to decide where to start working. Once the problem is identified and named, we can fix it. The weight is off my heart and we have established the working parameter for being friends again.

So FINALLY we are seizure free, eHarmony free, unemployment free - and at peace. Thank you God!

Waiting and waiting

Did you ever just need to know why someone did something - and the question just permeates your thoughts to the point that you would do just about anything to get the question answered?

I have felt that way over the past few days- I want to know why -I just want to have my questions answered before there is no longer the motivation to get them answered. I have mentioned before that I am an excellent starter-wife. Like Good Luck Chuck, I end a long-term relationship and we become friends, talking about things that have happened and performing the autopsy on the relationship - then their next relationship is the one that sticks - but not the one with me. I'm not having a pity party- I am trying to figure out why this happens. Since it is a pattern, there has to be a reason. This is a season where I am trying to really figure out what things I need to change to move on to the next phase of my life- and for once, I thought I could get what I needed- and again, I am left waiting.

I don't know that anyone even has the answers anymore- or that I want to know what the other person actually thinks of me. The downside to knowing someone well is that their opinion actually matters. I really needed to have some questions answered- but instead I still wait.

Waiting waiting waiting - wait for answers, wait for someone to love you back, wait for your time, wait to finish your remodeling, wait to refinance the house, wait for the kids to grow up so that you can do what you want, wait for Christmas, wait for....everything. Sometimes I just get tired of waiting - and when for whatever reason, the person I needed answers from couldn't give them to me, I just broke down and cried in frustration.

I know God will take care of me- and that waiting on Him will be worth it and that He loves me even when I am impatient, but for today I am tired of waiting.