I started writing this blog over 6 years ago because I was overwhelmed by the possibility that after 3 shitty husbands that there was actually a man who said that I deserved to be treated with care - that I deserved someone to love me. That was what re-ignited the flames for me - got me writing again, gave me hope again. I had a once in a lifetime love my senior year - and I pissed it away like a fool - and everyone after that was settling - until Justin.
He talked to me every night and it was his voice that I heard before I fell asleep. When I needed somewhere safe to take my kids, it was his house I came to. I trusted him - I believed in him - I wanted him to be the knight in shining armor that I had been waiting for. He got me- understood, mostly, that my intentions were good- that I was trying to do the right thing, that I get my feelings hurt so easily. He needed someone to love him through the things he was struggling with and to help him become the person he wanted to be. I thought at last my love had come along. It was us against the world and it felt amazing, we remarked how very lucky we were to have this happy life while laying around on a Sunday afternoon listening to the birds in the backyard.
Then real life set in, and one thing led to another thing which led to arguing and a lack of trust and failures on both our parts and the subsequent 6 years that we have tortured each other by trying to make a relationship work that is just hasn't worked. It has been better since we are living in different houses. This whole thing would be much easier if I didn't love him - really love him - still. Each time we talk or see each other I am reminded of why I fell in love with him in the first place- absence making the heart grow fonder.
I have been so amazed at the transformation he has gone through in the past 6 years, becoming the man I think he wants to be. But his friends are not my friends anymore - and he doesn't run in the same motherly circles that I run in-he doesn't have 7 people at home relying on him- he has only himself.
Last night, Jake and I went to his play, and it was wonderful. He was in his element and I was thoroughly enjoying it. Until I looked down and he was wearing the wedding ring I bought him.
I choked up
and I couldn't stop watching the flash of that diamond as his hand moved
and I kept thinking about the actress playing his wife, wondering if I was that big a jerk when I was his wife. God, I truly hope not.
He walked us around backstage and introduced us to the actors, several of whom commented that they felt like they knew us from Justin's stories. They were kind to me- so they must have been decent stories. I left feeling sad that things for us hadn't worked out - like I do most every time I see him.
He said that we should have just dated forever and not bothered with getting married- and I think because I have heard it so very many times, I was starting to believe that.
Until today.
They say the longest distance is from your head to your heart- this is soooo true. My head decided $5000.00 and two years ago that I just couldn't continue to stay married to Justin and that the relationship was hurting everyone. But apparently my heart didn't get the memo.
I logged in to see some of his production pictures, and there was the update that he is in a relationship.
Seriously, I am not a total idiot, I knew he was dating- and know that I had been dating- but seeing the concrete reality of it hit me in the chest like a 50 pound weight.
I hadn't expected to have any kind of reaction - I've even said that I hoped he was open to finding someone- but I was still ....what....a selfish jerk who isn't happy for him.....surprised.....hoping things would be different during round 17 of trying to date again....delusional.... yeeesh, I don't know. I hadn't given thought to the idea of him sitting across the table from me with someone else as the woman he loved- and now that I have, I don't like it very much, but I realize that this is the reality I face.
But I believe this may be the final part of getting myself healthy. I have been hanging on to the idea that maybe we would work it out after all the kids move away, hoping that he would just wait and that we would both continue growing into the people we are meant to be. He is the person I call when I don't know who else to call - one of my very best friends.
But now, he is in love with someone else and my time in his heart is over - it is not an abstract concept, it is a reality.
All attempts at controlling my love life by finding someone myself have been shut off: no more online dating, no more reaching back to talk to old loves, no more looking.
I am totally reliant upon God to provide a partner for me when the time is right. I have jumped off the edge and my safety net has a new girlfriend, so he isn't going to come after me.
I don't know that I am looking for sympathy - more than anything I hoped that by writing this all down it would make sense to me and that it would serve as a memo to my heart. There is hope. If Justin could break through those walls, maybe there is someone else who will as well.
It has been a long kiss goodbye, my love, but this is finally goodbye.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
What would Nellie do?
When I was in the 8th grade, my mom helped with the choreography for South Pacific. I fell in love for the very first time. The sets, the music, the romance, the comedy- and I wanted to be Nellie Forbush. I have seen this movie dozens of times and the play about 10 more- I have the actual vinyl record with all the songs and know most all of the words to every song - love love love this show. Sometimes I actually am that Cockeyed Optimist, immature and incurably green.... But that is not really our topic for tonight- it is refocusing.
A wise person made a comment that perhaps I should consider letting my situation with a particular man just work itself out - that letting it alone might be the best thing. I wasn't really open to that and then the most wonderful thing happened. Three nights ago, I was reading a blog post on the LifeTeen website written by a single girl. She mentioned that when we are single, we can get so tied up in wondering when our love will come along and we can live our "happily ever after" that we miss the real point of that time alone: to spend it seeking the will of God - to determine our impact on the world, to do His work. No one can have two masters- and a woman who is married has her husband as the primary focus of her heart, conversely, a woman who is not married can have God as her primary focus. She can keep trying to fill that void by finding someone, or she can go about what He has asked her to do and when it is time for her to have a partner, he'll show up.
I had a huge revelation about my previous romantic involvements about a week ago, and it wasn't pretty. Figuring out the role you play in a trainwreck never is- but it was enlightening and I have chosen to learn from it and not repeat it. (it is about flipping time that I figured this out as it has vexed me for a very long time) I always tell my kids that you shouldn't be an ass just because you can- and I think I am finally heeding my own advice.
Other than keeping the man in question as my friend on FB, I have cut all other ties to trying to find someone and I have resolved not to initiate any communication with him at all. I dropped off eHarmony - deleted my profile, deleted any status that indicated I was single or looking, and have removed myself from all internet- dating related sites.
I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair....thats What Nellie Would Do.
Listen, either I believe that God loves me and that He is able to create the heavens and certainly is the only One who knows where my partner might be- or I don't. If I ask for rain and don't bring an umbrella, what kind of faith is that? Well, it isn't- it is just words that don't mean a hill of beans.
So here I go - out on a ledge- looking over the precipice and deciding to let Someone else guide my steps ( for someone who is used to being independent, this is a BIG precipice). He has something that I need to do- so many opportunities keep presenting themselves and we keep getting asked weekend after weekend to give our time to someone- too many occurences to be a coincidence- has to be more than that.
I have gone back to reading Valtorte- right now I am reading the 5th book which is the Passion and Death. I am laser focused on my work and my kids and my life, trying to figure out exactly where God wants me to be next - and I feel FREE!!!!!!!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Little Loners
So these are my kids and although I have moments where I wonder how I am going to get through- most of the time I am just in awe of what remarkable people they have become.I am 5'10"
Jerra is at least 5'11"
Josh on the left is 6'1"
Jake is leaning in on the right - he is 6'31/2" as of this week
I love this picture because the boys seem to dwarf Jerra- which is so weird because she had been taller than them forever - and now a few hormones and viola!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
10 foot Titans in a 6 foot world
Do you remember when you grew into the adult sized body that you have now? Ever since I can remember, I thought I was huge- like Jolly Green Giant type huge. I walk loudly, I make noise in the kitchen, I slam the door- like someone who isn't aware of their own strength even today. I remember many many times that my folks would tell me not to walk so heavily or not to tear off the door to the car. Along with this feeling of being 10 feet tall in a 6 foot world, comes the gawkiness of banging into things. I have a nearly constant bruise on either a hip or an ankle- often times both.
I cannot begin to tell you the number of stitches I have had-and three sets that I remember right off the top of my head occured doing dishes where I caught a knife or shattered a cup and then picked it up like a rocket scientist. This week my graceful moves included running over my debit card in a drive thru and pouring boiling water into a plastic jug in an attempt to make tea. This last feat involved watching as the tea bags leapt for their lives out of the top of the pitcher and the bottom of the pitcher imitated a rogue Shrinky Dink: becoming smaller by the second and scaring the wits out of me. I only regret not having it on video because I was genuinely shocked that it didn't work out. It is unfortunately a familial trait.
Bear went through a time where she was always bumping something - or worse, dropping a glass in the kitchen. Honestly, I have gone through 18 glasses that were purchased as a wedding present 51/2 years ago- not all of them were Bear, but the majority were. My friend Mary bought me some glasses when Justin moved out - only one brave one remains - and that one is in my bathroom for my vitamins. Just call us Grace.
Joshua has broken a camera, an ipod, an video recorder and numerous other devices in his possession and he cannot say exactly how. Twice he has WALKED on his guitars, requiring costly repairs. This could be carelessness, but it is actually just a symptom of our BIGGER problem.
Jake is in that phase now- where he has grown nearly 7 inches in the past 12 months and he just can't seem to get his spacial perception to match where his body actually is located. We went to the movies tonight and he refilled the popcorn for our drive home. He set it on the counter and when he went to pick it up - it went flying - with most of it landing in the bucket- but a healthy shower of it decorated the floor. The man at Venture was very kind about getting it swept up for us. And if that wasn't enough, when we went to get in the car, he again held the bucket and somehow half of it dumped onto my floorboards - it was too dark to get it cleaned up, so there it will stay until morning. That will be an interesting smell in the morning.
I went to lunch with a friend today and mentioned that I would love to have stone walls- and while they are beautiful, they might be good for us! I have patches in the wall on the way down the stairs from where I turned to quickly and put my elbow through it- another two upstairs where I opened the door too hard and slammed the knob into the door behind it- and my personal favorite: the cutaway shelf that now exists in the hallway where I tripped and put my shoulder through the wall- and fearing it was too big to patch, I just made it into a shelf. If you look closely enough, you'll see some oddities in this house- and most of them are from the Titans banging into the walls....
I cannot begin to tell you the number of stitches I have had-and three sets that I remember right off the top of my head occured doing dishes where I caught a knife or shattered a cup and then picked it up like a rocket scientist. This week my graceful moves included running over my debit card in a drive thru and pouring boiling water into a plastic jug in an attempt to make tea. This last feat involved watching as the tea bags leapt for their lives out of the top of the pitcher and the bottom of the pitcher imitated a rogue Shrinky Dink: becoming smaller by the second and scaring the wits out of me. I only regret not having it on video because I was genuinely shocked that it didn't work out. It is unfortunately a familial trait.
Bear went through a time where she was always bumping something - or worse, dropping a glass in the kitchen. Honestly, I have gone through 18 glasses that were purchased as a wedding present 51/2 years ago- not all of them were Bear, but the majority were. My friend Mary bought me some glasses when Justin moved out - only one brave one remains - and that one is in my bathroom for my vitamins. Just call us Grace.
Joshua has broken a camera, an ipod, an video recorder and numerous other devices in his possession and he cannot say exactly how. Twice he has WALKED on his guitars, requiring costly repairs. This could be carelessness, but it is actually just a symptom of our BIGGER problem.
Jake is in that phase now- where he has grown nearly 7 inches in the past 12 months and he just can't seem to get his spacial perception to match where his body actually is located. We went to the movies tonight and he refilled the popcorn for our drive home. He set it on the counter and when he went to pick it up - it went flying - with most of it landing in the bucket- but a healthy shower of it decorated the floor. The man at Venture was very kind about getting it swept up for us. And if that wasn't enough, when we went to get in the car, he again held the bucket and somehow half of it dumped onto my floorboards - it was too dark to get it cleaned up, so there it will stay until morning. That will be an interesting smell in the morning.
I went to lunch with a friend today and mentioned that I would love to have stone walls- and while they are beautiful, they might be good for us! I have patches in the wall on the way down the stairs from where I turned to quickly and put my elbow through it- another two upstairs where I opened the door too hard and slammed the knob into the door behind it- and my personal favorite: the cutaway shelf that now exists in the hallway where I tripped and put my shoulder through the wall- and fearing it was too big to patch, I just made it into a shelf. If you look closely enough, you'll see some oddities in this house- and most of them are from the Titans banging into the walls....
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Technology has now Officially Invaded my Dreams
About two years ago, I had Siruis radio and listened to Mary Occhino quite a bit. I find her fascinating - and her words seem to help people feel better even if the answers she has to give aren't great. I believe that we all have a connection to things we cannot see- whether you call it Fate, or Angels, or Guides or God- it is some intelligent power that connects us to one another as well. She encouraged people to pay attention to their dreams, as sometimes that is the only opportunity when you mind is quiet enough to hear what you need to hear.
That being said, I have journalled my dreams off and on- especially when they are something significant. And I had the most unusual thing happen in my dream last night.
There is this man who I cannot figure out what to do with- I may have mentioned this a zillion times before, sorry - I met him online dating, then followed his e-newsletter, then became his friend on Facebook, then finally met in person. A lot of e-interaction followed by real interaction which is back to e-interaction because of his traveling schedule. Only, even in e-interaction he will have some times that he answers me right away - and then it will be two weeks before I hear anything. So frustrating because that is a clear indication that he is not that into me- which is fine, except then he says things that indicate he is into me. I have concluded that if his tactic is to keep me guessing and make me keep thinking about him as a means of getting my attention- positive or negative- that it is working. I checked last night before I went to bed, answered a couple of messages and realized that he hadn't answered my note. So as I went to sleep, I reminded God that I wanted a man who put Him first and who had a good heart- and that I was still waiting as patiently as I can.
So somewhere in the middle of the night I dreamt that I was in Thailand with this man - I had picked him up in a convertable and we were driving. We had gone a little way up into the hills when I asked what was wrong- his face was contorted in pain. He said we needed to stop for a restroom - and there was a little roadside place with a red and white striped awning where we pulled in. There were rows of Thai people in line waiting to get to this little window to order food- he went around the side to the restroom and I waited in the car. Somehow I got into his Twitter account ( I've never been on Twitter and I have no idea how it works, except that people have accounts) There were numerous updates about me - how he just wasn't interested and wished I get the hint- you get the drift. So I waited for a couple minutes, then pulled away to go up the hill, intending to come back I guess. When I got there, a little old lady gave me a ticket and told me to come in- where she presented me with the most adorable white puppy with curly hair and carrot-colored spots. I can't keep it, but I really want to keep it. How am I going to get her back on the plane with me?
Then the man came walking up the sidewalk which apparently connected the two places. No comment about the fact that I wasn't where he left me. We went in to have dinner in this little Thai place and then I headed back to the airport, puppy in tow and put her on the flight with me.
I've never hacked someone's Twitter account, but if that is what I am gonna find, I'll pass.
I resolved this morning to put the situation with him on a back burner- it is taking up too much of my thought time without any good reason to do so. And I'll keep reminding the Lord that I trust Him to not leave me hanging.
That being said, I have journalled my dreams off and on- especially when they are something significant. And I had the most unusual thing happen in my dream last night.
There is this man who I cannot figure out what to do with- I may have mentioned this a zillion times before, sorry - I met him online dating, then followed his e-newsletter, then became his friend on Facebook, then finally met in person. A lot of e-interaction followed by real interaction which is back to e-interaction because of his traveling schedule. Only, even in e-interaction he will have some times that he answers me right away - and then it will be two weeks before I hear anything. So frustrating because that is a clear indication that he is not that into me- which is fine, except then he says things that indicate he is into me. I have concluded that if his tactic is to keep me guessing and make me keep thinking about him as a means of getting my attention- positive or negative- that it is working. I checked last night before I went to bed, answered a couple of messages and realized that he hadn't answered my note. So as I went to sleep, I reminded God that I wanted a man who put Him first and who had a good heart- and that I was still waiting as patiently as I can.
So somewhere in the middle of the night I dreamt that I was in Thailand with this man - I had picked him up in a convertable and we were driving. We had gone a little way up into the hills when I asked what was wrong- his face was contorted in pain. He said we needed to stop for a restroom - and there was a little roadside place with a red and white striped awning where we pulled in. There were rows of Thai people in line waiting to get to this little window to order food- he went around the side to the restroom and I waited in the car. Somehow I got into his Twitter account ( I've never been on Twitter and I have no idea how it works, except that people have accounts) There were numerous updates about me - how he just wasn't interested and wished I get the hint- you get the drift. So I waited for a couple minutes, then pulled away to go up the hill, intending to come back I guess. When I got there, a little old lady gave me a ticket and told me to come in- where she presented me with the most adorable white puppy with curly hair and carrot-colored spots. I can't keep it, but I really want to keep it. How am I going to get her back on the plane with me?
Then the man came walking up the sidewalk which apparently connected the two places. No comment about the fact that I wasn't where he left me. We went in to have dinner in this little Thai place and then I headed back to the airport, puppy in tow and put her on the flight with me.
I've never hacked someone's Twitter account, but if that is what I am gonna find, I'll pass.
I resolved this morning to put the situation with him on a back burner- it is taking up too much of my thought time without any good reason to do so. And I'll keep reminding the Lord that I trust Him to not leave me hanging.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Cyberdating ...or How eHarmony has complicated my life
First let me say that I LOVE the eHarmony commercials where the two lovely people find each other and hit it off. I was especially pleased when they added the older couple - the guy with gray hair was more my speed, frankly. I signed up for eHarmony about two years ago and have kept my profile open for matches, then closed for matches in rotating order. I think it is easier if you date one person at a time so that you can just sort through things. Currently, my matching is off, and it is all because of one of my matches who just tangles me up - I have a strong reaction to him, definite chemistry, I just can't tell if it is a positive or negative reaction.
Currently, I have a couple of situations that are a direct result of my eHarmony experience, but first, let me tell you about my best dates ever. I will say that to the best of my ability I have represented myself honestly- I don't like whiners, I do like football, I have a lot of fun and I am not a bitty girl. I am open to friends, but my experience has been that typically when men and women are friends in close proximity, one or the other of them is interested in something more. I didn't join eHarmony to find more friends- I did it to find someone I am compatible with.
I am sitting now at McDonalds using their WiFi to do some work and now update my little corner of the planet. Next to me is a couple in their late 50s who met on eHarmony- they are speaking about it in hushed tones. Seriously, in this age of electronic friendships, I have given up on bars and moved on to greener pastures and better accessibility. Funny that we still feel squeamish about it.
So here are some of my BEST date experiences:
1. The man who invited me to meet him at the mall as a neutral location. Then proceeded to take me to dinner at the Chinese place in the food court. I was still open to this, until he broke into a 10 minute dissertation on the wonders of Nordstroms and declared that fashion was his life. Then he tried to get me to give him an insulin pump so that he could take it to China and mass reproduce it- ummmmm no.
2. The biker who was quite charming but so very nervous and distracted that I can't even tell you what color his eyes were because we never made eye contact, ever.
3. The IT guy who was also an ex co-worker of my exhusbands. He met the height requirements, his emails looked normal, then we agreed on a restaurant. He had mentioned that he was financially strapped, so I met him for lunch at a local spot that I just love. He used to be a chef. First, he returned his coffee because it was bitter, then his iced tea because it was awful, then complained about the prices on the lunch menu ( under $10). We spent the entire time waiting for our meal with him complaining about the temperature and how I was unfair for saying I didn't want another man who couldn't help with chores around the house. When he refused to eat his lunch, I just couldn't take anymore and offered to pay my own tab.
4. The football coach who had some real potential, but just no spark. He calls me every couple of weeks when he is bored- um, not what I had in mind at all. The deal-breaker for me was when he argued with me over dinner about whether Type 1 Diabetes could be healed by diet - and unfortunately this is my field of expertise. I might have been wrong, but seriously, it was the choice of what to argue about that showed his lack of respect. He is going out this weekend as friends with one of my best girlfriends- maybe he'll have a spark with her.
5. The Trucking Buisiness owner who was charming on the phone, but was not able to pin down a date to get together. I kept talking to him for about two months until he said that his one non-negotiable was a woman who was willing to go get her nails manicured and her hair done every week. Non-negotiable....meant I just couldn't sign up for that one.
6. The renovator who will send me 10 emails one day and then nothing for the next several days. Lots of conversation but after 6 weeks of talking by email, he still hasn't offered to get together. Eh, he's not that in to me anyway, but he has a great sense of humor.
7. Last but not least, the orator. Come here- stay - come here - stay. My current opinion is that either he is already in love with another of his female friends or that I make him nervous and he doesn't know what to do with me. He makes me crazy and has yet to do what I expected - and maybe that is good for me. This is one match, though, that even if nothing else transpires, I have grown personally from the time I have spent with him- I am becoming a better person as a result of our interactions.....yep, he is good for me.
I never in a million years thought I would do online dating - but interstingly, it does give me an avenue to move things at my preferred speed and to get to know people who at least have some similarities. The technology can work- it just hasn't yet, but today could be the day.
Currently, I have a couple of situations that are a direct result of my eHarmony experience, but first, let me tell you about my best dates ever. I will say that to the best of my ability I have represented myself honestly- I don't like whiners, I do like football, I have a lot of fun and I am not a bitty girl. I am open to friends, but my experience has been that typically when men and women are friends in close proximity, one or the other of them is interested in something more. I didn't join eHarmony to find more friends- I did it to find someone I am compatible with.
I am sitting now at McDonalds using their WiFi to do some work and now update my little corner of the planet. Next to me is a couple in their late 50s who met on eHarmony- they are speaking about it in hushed tones. Seriously, in this age of electronic friendships, I have given up on bars and moved on to greener pastures and better accessibility. Funny that we still feel squeamish about it.
So here are some of my BEST date experiences:
1. The man who invited me to meet him at the mall as a neutral location. Then proceeded to take me to dinner at the Chinese place in the food court. I was still open to this, until he broke into a 10 minute dissertation on the wonders of Nordstroms and declared that fashion was his life. Then he tried to get me to give him an insulin pump so that he could take it to China and mass reproduce it- ummmmm no.
2. The biker who was quite charming but so very nervous and distracted that I can't even tell you what color his eyes were because we never made eye contact, ever.
3. The IT guy who was also an ex co-worker of my exhusbands. He met the height requirements, his emails looked normal, then we agreed on a restaurant. He had mentioned that he was financially strapped, so I met him for lunch at a local spot that I just love. He used to be a chef. First, he returned his coffee because it was bitter, then his iced tea because it was awful, then complained about the prices on the lunch menu ( under $10). We spent the entire time waiting for our meal with him complaining about the temperature and how I was unfair for saying I didn't want another man who couldn't help with chores around the house. When he refused to eat his lunch, I just couldn't take anymore and offered to pay my own tab.
4. The football coach who had some real potential, but just no spark. He calls me every couple of weeks when he is bored- um, not what I had in mind at all. The deal-breaker for me was when he argued with me over dinner about whether Type 1 Diabetes could be healed by diet - and unfortunately this is my field of expertise. I might have been wrong, but seriously, it was the choice of what to argue about that showed his lack of respect. He is going out this weekend as friends with one of my best girlfriends- maybe he'll have a spark with her.
5. The Trucking Buisiness owner who was charming on the phone, but was not able to pin down a date to get together. I kept talking to him for about two months until he said that his one non-negotiable was a woman who was willing to go get her nails manicured and her hair done every week. Non-negotiable....meant I just couldn't sign up for that one.
6. The renovator who will send me 10 emails one day and then nothing for the next several days. Lots of conversation but after 6 weeks of talking by email, he still hasn't offered to get together. Eh, he's not that in to me anyway, but he has a great sense of humor.
7. Last but not least, the orator. Come here- stay - come here - stay. My current opinion is that either he is already in love with another of his female friends or that I make him nervous and he doesn't know what to do with me. He makes me crazy and has yet to do what I expected - and maybe that is good for me. This is one match, though, that even if nothing else transpires, I have grown personally from the time I have spent with him- I am becoming a better person as a result of our interactions.....yep, he is good for me.
I never in a million years thought I would do online dating - but interstingly, it does give me an avenue to move things at my preferred speed and to get to know people who at least have some similarities. The technology can work- it just hasn't yet, but today could be the day.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
possibly shooting myself in the foot....
So I realized tonight as I was talking to my daughter about the aforementioned friend that I may in fact have given him the insight to act upon his feelings for someone else.
There is a little twinge of sorrow because I certainly didn't want to talk him out of liking me- only to being open to love- thought I didn't mention myself as a possible object of that affection.
I did not think about my own situation - and when someone has as many single women friends and acquaintences as this person does....well I didn't even think about the possibility that he might already have someone he was interested in- someone he was just waiting for the right opportunity to express his emotions....and I just encouraged him to do just that.
Honestly, I am laughing at my own total lack of ability to help my own love life here- and if he already has a someone, I certainly don't want to stand in the way. Funny things I do to myself.
I feel kind of like the guy who invents a robot to do his job more efficiently and invents himself right out of a job....
In other news, I finally broke down and checked my Statcounter which you see over to the right. There are a lot of people stopping by whom I don't recognize. If you stop by, I'd love it if you'd leave me a comment - just to say hi!
There is a little twinge of sorrow because I certainly didn't want to talk him out of liking me- only to being open to love- thought I didn't mention myself as a possible object of that affection.
I did not think about my own situation - and when someone has as many single women friends and acquaintences as this person does....well I didn't even think about the possibility that he might already have someone he was interested in- someone he was just waiting for the right opportunity to express his emotions....and I just encouraged him to do just that.
Honestly, I am laughing at my own total lack of ability to help my own love life here- and if he already has a someone, I certainly don't want to stand in the way. Funny things I do to myself.
I feel kind of like the guy who invents a robot to do his job more efficiently and invents himself right out of a job....
In other news, I finally broke down and checked my Statcounter which you see over to the right. There are a lot of people stopping by whom I don't recognize. If you stop by, I'd love it if you'd leave me a comment - just to say hi!
Change, exchange and love
A friend of mine once said that to change, you have to let the change wash over you and have it's way. It is like the tide washing over you- and you aren't sure in the midst of this torrent whether you have enough air in your lungs to last until the water subsides. Real change is more like exchanging money - you hand over a bill and the person gives you the pesos you need for your purchases. So your inherent value doesn't change, but the usability does change.
I am in that season again.
I am so thankful for what is happening in my children's lives - there is real progress being made and I feel like I am shifting into that phase where I will be on my own before I know it. And there is something wonderful waiting for me there.
The Holy Spirit seems to be really active in my affairs at the present- weird coincidences - strong dreams - and urges to do things that I normally would shy away from. But when I follow through with these directions, my life takes these amazing turns. Please don't misunderstand, this is not my own wisdom- not by any stretch- but it is the willingness to admit that I need Someone else to help with my direction and frankly, God seems to know what He's doing.
I have a friend - and it is a little complicated because I don't know exactly what to do with him - whether I should kiss him or just punch him in the shoulder. He is not what I expected, but the time I spend with him always leaves me wishing for more time. I think the feeling is mutual because our conversations run hot and cold- like he can't decide what to do with me either. I'd love to say this is the person I have been looking for- but honestly, I don't know him well enough to go there and unless I am the person he is looking for, that is irrelevant- so for now, he is my friend.
And that is what my whole revelation was this week. I needed to take care of something in person with him on Sunday and one thing led to another and it just didn't happen. Then Monday came and late in the day he sent me a text saying it was handled. I was already on my way over, so I prayed about it- like I always do when I am in a position to embarrass myself- and the answer came that I should just go over. (Now if by some chance my friend were to read this, I already know I am a terrible liar and that you knew that I was not telling the truth about the text message, sorry, I needed to see you).
When I walked in, I could see that he was frazzled and tired. He invited me in anyway. As we talked it finally came out that he was having some troubles with his ex. Man, have I been there.
The one advantage I had, however, was the wise counsel from my dad. He said that just because two people are no longer married, that it doesn't release them from the vows to love honor and cherish. That we are still bound to love to the best of our ability, the person who used to be our partner. That is a pretty steep order, but what I found is that when this is your guiding principle, it is a lot easier to handle an ex- even one who is being a total ass. We say all the time that just because someone else is acting like an ass, doesn't mean that we get to. And it is true.
I do not always like my ex, and often I have a difficult time respecting him at all as a result of his choices and his ongoing behaviors, but I am called to love him where he is. So I do.
And that brings me to the transformation point. As I was driving home, I realized that even if this man and I were never romantically involved, that I still needed him to know that his experience with love was not all there is. I've been through trying to earn someone's affection and love by paying their mortgage, putting up with infidelity, not pressuring them to be fiscally responsible and going to churches I didn't love at all. NONE of these behaviors earned me love- I got affection, I received thanks- but they never gave me the the sincere adoration of who I was as a person- only admiration for the tasks I had completed or the kindness I had shown. I have spent a seriously long time fooling myself into thinking that someone loved me when in fact, I set us both up for failure. Who wouldn't want to be with someone who was focused on meeting your every need with little consideration for their own needs. Yeesh, sign me up for that!
Seriously, this only occurred to me the other night.
And as a result, I wrote him a note, an excerpt of which I will share with you because for one moment, I stopped worrying about whether he would like me - or want to be with me -and was honestly concerned that he not give up on love - I think I wrote this to myself as well:
I hear a deep longing in your words to be loved and accepted for who you are as a man, not just as a friend. I see how people have "loved" you and I want you to know it doesn't have to be that way. Some people start by loving, rather than making you jump through hoops to earn their affection. Personally, I like those folks, they remind me of how Jesus loves.
That ache you want to fill will find a cure someday, I'm sure of it. There will be a day when you look up and realize that the person before you sees the real you and likes you anyway. Love sees you, and doesn't ask you to earn the right to be loved. It is incredibly liberating when this happens, and your heart will just open up unbidden.
And so it was that Monday night I finally reached the transformation point- finally reached the point that I understood that no amount of trying or putting up with hardship or opening myself up to new venues was going to bring me the l0ve I so desired- that I have been getting in my own way by trying to earn it. I feel at peace with this whole thing finally - and not just in my head, but all the way down to my heart. So for the opportunity to let the Holy Spirit give me the gift of understanding, I thank you, my friend, for opening the door, for letting me in, and for sharing your heart which in turn helped me heal mine.
I am in that season again.
I am so thankful for what is happening in my children's lives - there is real progress being made and I feel like I am shifting into that phase where I will be on my own before I know it. And there is something wonderful waiting for me there.
The Holy Spirit seems to be really active in my affairs at the present- weird coincidences - strong dreams - and urges to do things that I normally would shy away from. But when I follow through with these directions, my life takes these amazing turns. Please don't misunderstand, this is not my own wisdom- not by any stretch- but it is the willingness to admit that I need Someone else to help with my direction and frankly, God seems to know what He's doing.
I have a friend - and it is a little complicated because I don't know exactly what to do with him - whether I should kiss him or just punch him in the shoulder. He is not what I expected, but the time I spend with him always leaves me wishing for more time. I think the feeling is mutual because our conversations run hot and cold- like he can't decide what to do with me either. I'd love to say this is the person I have been looking for- but honestly, I don't know him well enough to go there and unless I am the person he is looking for, that is irrelevant- so for now, he is my friend.
And that is what my whole revelation was this week. I needed to take care of something in person with him on Sunday and one thing led to another and it just didn't happen. Then Monday came and late in the day he sent me a text saying it was handled. I was already on my way over, so I prayed about it- like I always do when I am in a position to embarrass myself- and the answer came that I should just go over. (Now if by some chance my friend were to read this, I already know I am a terrible liar and that you knew that I was not telling the truth about the text message, sorry, I needed to see you).
When I walked in, I could see that he was frazzled and tired. He invited me in anyway. As we talked it finally came out that he was having some troubles with his ex. Man, have I been there.
The one advantage I had, however, was the wise counsel from my dad. He said that just because two people are no longer married, that it doesn't release them from the vows to love honor and cherish. That we are still bound to love to the best of our ability, the person who used to be our partner. That is a pretty steep order, but what I found is that when this is your guiding principle, it is a lot easier to handle an ex- even one who is being a total ass. We say all the time that just because someone else is acting like an ass, doesn't mean that we get to. And it is true.
I do not always like my ex, and often I have a difficult time respecting him at all as a result of his choices and his ongoing behaviors, but I am called to love him where he is. So I do.
And that brings me to the transformation point. As I was driving home, I realized that even if this man and I were never romantically involved, that I still needed him to know that his experience with love was not all there is. I've been through trying to earn someone's affection and love by paying their mortgage, putting up with infidelity, not pressuring them to be fiscally responsible and going to churches I didn't love at all. NONE of these behaviors earned me love- I got affection, I received thanks- but they never gave me the the sincere adoration of who I was as a person- only admiration for the tasks I had completed or the kindness I had shown. I have spent a seriously long time fooling myself into thinking that someone loved me when in fact, I set us both up for failure. Who wouldn't want to be with someone who was focused on meeting your every need with little consideration for their own needs. Yeesh, sign me up for that!
Seriously, this only occurred to me the other night.
And as a result, I wrote him a note, an excerpt of which I will share with you because for one moment, I stopped worrying about whether he would like me - or want to be with me -and was honestly concerned that he not give up on love - I think I wrote this to myself as well:
I hear a deep longing in your words to be loved and accepted for who you are as a man, not just as a friend. I see how people have "loved" you and I want you to know it doesn't have to be that way. Some people start by loving, rather than making you jump through hoops to earn their affection. Personally, I like those folks, they remind me of how Jesus loves.
That ache you want to fill will find a cure someday, I'm sure of it. There will be a day when you look up and realize that the person before you sees the real you and likes you anyway. Love sees you, and doesn't ask you to earn the right to be loved. It is incredibly liberating when this happens, and your heart will just open up unbidden.
And so it was that Monday night I finally reached the transformation point- finally reached the point that I understood that no amount of trying or putting up with hardship or opening myself up to new venues was going to bring me the l0ve I so desired- that I have been getting in my own way by trying to earn it. I feel at peace with this whole thing finally - and not just in my head, but all the way down to my heart. So for the opportunity to let the Holy Spirit give me the gift of understanding, I thank you, my friend, for opening the door, for letting me in, and for sharing your heart which in turn helped me heal mine.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sometimes
Some people are called to do great things- me - I think my life is designed to be a warning to others.
Seriously.
I have been thinking a lot lately about what I have been called to do. I spend a lot of time explaining how I handled a certain thing- how it blew up- and how I avoided it the next time. Funny, kind of, unless it is you in the middle of the muck all the time!
So I am thinking of writing a book on single parenting...looking back on what I've learned after doing this for nearly 25 years.
What do you think? All they could say is no- and then I am no worse off than what I am now.
And tonight, I will start the first chapter- after I am done having a lovely dinner and good times with my friends.
Seriously.
I have been thinking a lot lately about what I have been called to do. I spend a lot of time explaining how I handled a certain thing- how it blew up- and how I avoided it the next time. Funny, kind of, unless it is you in the middle of the muck all the time!
So I am thinking of writing a book on single parenting...looking back on what I've learned after doing this for nearly 25 years.
What do you think? All they could say is no- and then I am no worse off than what I am now.
And tonight, I will start the first chapter- after I am done having a lovely dinner and good times with my friends.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
AMAZING- BREAK THE RECORD DAY!!!
It is with a humble heart that I tell you that today is BREAK THE RECORD DAY!!!!
We went to Cleveland Clinic 6 weeks ago, and as of TODAY Jake has gone over 6 weeks without a seizure-breaking our previous record which was 1 day short of 6 weeks. His medication is working! We are well on our way to the 52 weeks that he needs to get his learner's permit - which in his view as a nearly 16-year old, is probably the most important thing ever.
Cannot begin to express how very thankful I am. Honestly, I can tell you that this is not my best literary work because I am just to darn elated to worry much about how it sounds. The happiness feels like it is pouring out of my fingers and the grin on my face like a Roman Candle on the Fourth of July!!! Lord help the souls I see today, I am giddy as a schoolgirl and will be intolerably happy ALL DAY.
I am eternally thankful that the Lord has kept His promise when He said He had plans for us,plans to prosper and not to harm us. I am thankful that He still loved us when I lost it there in the hospital room and said some choice words to Him. Forgiveness is a powerful entity. I am soooo thankful to those who have prayed for us- complete strangers who lifted Jake up to Our Father in prayer, asking for healing. Thankful for the man, whose name I don't even know, who told his Rosary Group that he was praying for a total healing for Jake-his prayers are being answered. Thankful for those people who thought of us, sent us notes, gave us hope and something to believe in when it didn't seem like there was much to be thankful for.
I am thankful that He has seen fit to allow us to start back to a normal life again- a life without the fear that totally without warning, Jake will plummet to the floor and start seizing. We have lived with almost 2 years of unpredictable seizures, having the confidence that he can make it more than half an hour without us checking on him has been so liberating for everyone in my household. I cannot express the joy and hope that come along with seeing him thrive and actively work on getting his life back to a NORMAL teenager's life.
In celebration, we are headed to the Golden Corrall for dinner- for those of you NOT hosting teenaged boys in your house, it is an all you can eat buffett with tons of good food - and lots of desserts that I just don't keep here in the house- so Jake will be in Heaven.
It was that nagging voice in the back of my head, which is the Holy Spirit at work, which prompted me to take him to Cleveland, spending money we didn't have to get there. And as usual, the Holy Spirit provided understanding of the situation and a clarity that I didn't posess.
I am so extraordinarily blessed to have Jake as my son. His gentle spirit and willingness to help just astounds me. Sure he has normal teenaged moments, but overall, he is just a joy.
He has decided that he would like to go back to High school now, a big shift in plans as we have been preparing him to take his GED in a couple of months. He wants to play football- The Replacements, The Blind Side and about a dozen other football movies have occupied his attention of late- and at 6'3" 260# it seems like a great outlet for him.
However this whole epilepsy situation plays out long-term, I for one am thankful that for today, we are seizure free for 6 weeks! Thank you, Lord from that place in my heart that You know is true.
We went to Cleveland Clinic 6 weeks ago, and as of TODAY Jake has gone over 6 weeks without a seizure-breaking our previous record which was 1 day short of 6 weeks. His medication is working! We are well on our way to the 52 weeks that he needs to get his learner's permit - which in his view as a nearly 16-year old, is probably the most important thing ever.
Cannot begin to express how very thankful I am. Honestly, I can tell you that this is not my best literary work because I am just to darn elated to worry much about how it sounds. The happiness feels like it is pouring out of my fingers and the grin on my face like a Roman Candle on the Fourth of July!!! Lord help the souls I see today, I am giddy as a schoolgirl and will be intolerably happy ALL DAY.
I am eternally thankful that the Lord has kept His promise when He said He had plans for us,plans to prosper and not to harm us. I am thankful that He still loved us when I lost it there in the hospital room and said some choice words to Him. Forgiveness is a powerful entity. I am soooo thankful to those who have prayed for us- complete strangers who lifted Jake up to Our Father in prayer, asking for healing. Thankful for the man, whose name I don't even know, who told his Rosary Group that he was praying for a total healing for Jake-his prayers are being answered. Thankful for those people who thought of us, sent us notes, gave us hope and something to believe in when it didn't seem like there was much to be thankful for.
I am thankful that He has seen fit to allow us to start back to a normal life again- a life without the fear that totally without warning, Jake will plummet to the floor and start seizing. We have lived with almost 2 years of unpredictable seizures, having the confidence that he can make it more than half an hour without us checking on him has been so liberating for everyone in my household. I cannot express the joy and hope that come along with seeing him thrive and actively work on getting his life back to a NORMAL teenager's life.
In celebration, we are headed to the Golden Corrall for dinner- for those of you NOT hosting teenaged boys in your house, it is an all you can eat buffett with tons of good food - and lots of desserts that I just don't keep here in the house- so Jake will be in Heaven.
It was that nagging voice in the back of my head, which is the Holy Spirit at work, which prompted me to take him to Cleveland, spending money we didn't have to get there. And as usual, the Holy Spirit provided understanding of the situation and a clarity that I didn't posess.
I am so extraordinarily blessed to have Jake as my son. His gentle spirit and willingness to help just astounds me. Sure he has normal teenaged moments, but overall, he is just a joy.
He has decided that he would like to go back to High school now, a big shift in plans as we have been preparing him to take his GED in a couple of months. He wants to play football- The Replacements, The Blind Side and about a dozen other football movies have occupied his attention of late- and at 6'3" 260# it seems like a great outlet for him.
However this whole epilepsy situation plays out long-term, I for one am thankful that for today, we are seizure free for 6 weeks! Thank you, Lord from that place in my heart that You know is true.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Joys of a Very Plain Life
I have a couple of close friends who live nearby. Sometimes, my adventures with them are just so exciting that I forget that I live a very mundane life.
Last weekend, my friend's kids were just on her last nerve- as kids are wont to do. When I walked in her kitchen she looks me in the eye and says: I was really upset a couple minutes ago, but now I've had a Lexapro and I feel just fine". She swears it works that fast ( placebo effect is all that works that fast)
Then we were at the park cultivating our tans and walking around while the kids played basketball. There was a man who got his two HUGE dogs out of the car, after putting down a little pink matt for them to hop down on. He proceeded to walk them around in his tan non-descript outfit- not bothering anyone. As he goes to load them back in the car, my friend says: "See that guy? He is definitely a child molester, it is a good thing we're here!" And I had to laugh - we are at the park with 15-18 year old teenaged boys- not sure who would want to steal them - but I'd be willing to bet they could take care of them himself.
There was also a very handsome young Hispanic man who was walking with his daughter. Broad muscular shoulders peeked out from his red t-shirt. I was about to remark that he was handsome- and then- I noticed his pants. Honestly, I think his wife knows he is handsome and quite possibly told him they looked great on him. I swear they were made out of that red and white tablecloth material. Nice. Checkerboard shorts as protection against wandering eyes at the park. Good call.
The final straw came when this little tiny Asian girl came walking past with a group of friends. My friend looks at me- I know the comment is coming - but there is nothing I can do to stop this. We are both chubby middle-aged Irish girls- curves are a part of our makeup. She looks at me and says: You know what we need to do? We need to figure out the gene that makes Asian people thin and bottle it. We could win the Nobel Prize."
Last weekend, my friend's kids were just on her last nerve- as kids are wont to do. When I walked in her kitchen she looks me in the eye and says: I was really upset a couple minutes ago, but now I've had a Lexapro and I feel just fine". She swears it works that fast ( placebo effect is all that works that fast)
Then we were at the park cultivating our tans and walking around while the kids played basketball. There was a man who got his two HUGE dogs out of the car, after putting down a little pink matt for them to hop down on. He proceeded to walk them around in his tan non-descript outfit- not bothering anyone. As he goes to load them back in the car, my friend says: "See that guy? He is definitely a child molester, it is a good thing we're here!" And I had to laugh - we are at the park with 15-18 year old teenaged boys- not sure who would want to steal them - but I'd be willing to bet they could take care of them himself.
There was also a very handsome young Hispanic man who was walking with his daughter. Broad muscular shoulders peeked out from his red t-shirt. I was about to remark that he was handsome- and then- I noticed his pants. Honestly, I think his wife knows he is handsome and quite possibly told him they looked great on him. I swear they were made out of that red and white tablecloth material. Nice. Checkerboard shorts as protection against wandering eyes at the park. Good call.
The final straw came when this little tiny Asian girl came walking past with a group of friends. My friend looks at me- I know the comment is coming - but there is nothing I can do to stop this. We are both chubby middle-aged Irish girls- curves are a part of our makeup. She looks at me and says: You know what we need to do? We need to figure out the gene that makes Asian people thin and bottle it. We could win the Nobel Prize."
Sunday, October 10, 2010
When God moved from Abstract Idea to Reality
I have been listening to Mark Hart, the "Bible Geek" a lot lately, and in a series he did on knowing Christ he hit upon something that I have never been able to put into words, exactly.
I have lots of friends who believe- they know that God is real- they try to live a moral life- but the whole idea of a personal relationship with Christ is abstract at best. Not that they don't listen to the preaching or that they discount what they learn, only it is still in their heads and not in their hearts.
Mark said repeatedly that the longest distance for any Christian is the distance between their head and their heart. So very true.
I grew up Catholic- spent 12 years in Catholic school where there was daily religion class and Mass several times a week. My head "got" what I believed and at times, it reached my heart, but not always.
I love to read other perspectives on being Christian- I have a whole bookshelf in my house devoted to religious writing - from the New Agey stuff like Women who Run with the Wolves, to the lives of the saints, the writing of Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa and Saint Augustine- he's one of my favorites. But I also read Max Lucado, Gary Smalley, James Dobson, TD Jakes and a dozen other preachers who send email newsletters which serve as inspiration. I read Black Elk and Sitting Bull and publications about the Red Road- which sound a lot like St Francis of Asissi.
None of these things are the reason Christianity is not an abstract concept to me - though they help keep the relationship healthy.
Mark hit it on the head ( I'm paraphrasing here)
It is not until you have faced suffering and death as a reality in your life - until you NEED a SAVIOR and not just a buddy or a listening ear that you truly know Jesus. When we are at that point of desperation and we feel the magic fortifying power of His Grace- in that moment where we surely could not have stood alone, that we know Him as reality, In that moment, He goes from public figure to intimate friend.
It is then that we stop questioning whether a group of first century fishermen were willing to create a religious movement, leave their families and their hometowns, and be brutally put to death for their beliefs. In that moment where we intensely feel the hand of Christ upon our lives, it all makes sense. It wasn't their belief in the movement- it was their belief in Jesus- in who He was to them - the breathing- talking- laughing-joking- charismatic- man's man who walked the roads with them. They didn't die to promote a religion or a church or a building or a theocracy, but they would certainly die to follow the teaching of their friend.
I have friends like that - ones that I would go to bat for no matter what - ones that I would die for - I imagine you do too. Funny thing is, no matter how much I try, I will fail these friends at least once- maybe a dozen times even though I love them. It is the same with with being Jesus' friend. We all fail - and each time we do, He is there and willing to forgive.
I have faced death way more times than I should have - with a baby who would stop breathing - then a teenager who would seize in the most inopportune locations which put his life at risk. I have had 2 people try to kill me - not just the Ogre, but my first husband as well. I have sat awake all night watching over my kids to make sure that no harm came to them, like some figure out of WWII sitting in a bunker waiting for the enemy to come storming in. I have held the hands of a dozen dying people when I worked at the hospital and faced Death when talking to my dad about his imminent passing. Maybe that isn't more than other folks- some peolple see more death than that before their 2nd birthday - but for me, it was in those times that I needed a savior- a deliverer- a hero to swoop in and save me.
And He did, just like any good friend would do.
I have lots of friends who believe- they know that God is real- they try to live a moral life- but the whole idea of a personal relationship with Christ is abstract at best. Not that they don't listen to the preaching or that they discount what they learn, only it is still in their heads and not in their hearts.
Mark said repeatedly that the longest distance for any Christian is the distance between their head and their heart. So very true.
I grew up Catholic- spent 12 years in Catholic school where there was daily religion class and Mass several times a week. My head "got" what I believed and at times, it reached my heart, but not always.
I love to read other perspectives on being Christian- I have a whole bookshelf in my house devoted to religious writing - from the New Agey stuff like Women who Run with the Wolves, to the lives of the saints, the writing of Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa and Saint Augustine- he's one of my favorites. But I also read Max Lucado, Gary Smalley, James Dobson, TD Jakes and a dozen other preachers who send email newsletters which serve as inspiration. I read Black Elk and Sitting Bull and publications about the Red Road- which sound a lot like St Francis of Asissi.
None of these things are the reason Christianity is not an abstract concept to me - though they help keep the relationship healthy.
Mark hit it on the head ( I'm paraphrasing here)
It is not until you have faced suffering and death as a reality in your life - until you NEED a SAVIOR and not just a buddy or a listening ear that you truly know Jesus. When we are at that point of desperation and we feel the magic fortifying power of His Grace- in that moment where we surely could not have stood alone, that we know Him as reality, In that moment, He goes from public figure to intimate friend.
It is then that we stop questioning whether a group of first century fishermen were willing to create a religious movement, leave their families and their hometowns, and be brutally put to death for their beliefs. In that moment where we intensely feel the hand of Christ upon our lives, it all makes sense. It wasn't their belief in the movement- it was their belief in Jesus- in who He was to them - the breathing- talking- laughing-joking- charismatic- man's man who walked the roads with them. They didn't die to promote a religion or a church or a building or a theocracy, but they would certainly die to follow the teaching of their friend.
I have friends like that - ones that I would go to bat for no matter what - ones that I would die for - I imagine you do too. Funny thing is, no matter how much I try, I will fail these friends at least once- maybe a dozen times even though I love them. It is the same with with being Jesus' friend. We all fail - and each time we do, He is there and willing to forgive.
I have faced death way more times than I should have - with a baby who would stop breathing - then a teenager who would seize in the most inopportune locations which put his life at risk. I have had 2 people try to kill me - not just the Ogre, but my first husband as well. I have sat awake all night watching over my kids to make sure that no harm came to them, like some figure out of WWII sitting in a bunker waiting for the enemy to come storming in. I have held the hands of a dozen dying people when I worked at the hospital and faced Death when talking to my dad about his imminent passing. Maybe that isn't more than other folks- some peolple see more death than that before their 2nd birthday - but for me, it was in those times that I needed a savior- a deliverer- a hero to swoop in and save me.
And He did, just like any good friend would do.
I know the plans I have for you
It has been over a month now since I took Jake to Cleveland Clinic to evaluate his epilepsy. Surgery was denied, my heart was broken for him, and yet in the midst of that there is always hope.
Last Saturday, while watching Notre Dame play he looked over at me and said " I really miss playing football".
and my heart fluttered a little bit.
and I thought about what it would be like to re-enroll him in high school
and what a royal pain all that was for me
but how very much he loved it.
And the answer just came out of my mouth: well, if you want to go back and play, we could make that happen.
Jake is in the midst of his growth spurt- at his last visit with the neurologist two weeks ago he was 6'3" and 260#. He is a massive human being - perfect size, though, for a lineman or any other Paul Bunyan sized job you might need done.
Back in June, he was in the pool and had a seizure as he was coming out of the pool. Our friends, Nick and Jim Auby happened to be at pool right as it happened. Jake, being a substantial person who was now dead weight, needed to be pushed and pulled out of the water. Thank God that Jim and Nick were there to help Brady and I get him out of the water.
The beauty of this possibility is that if Jake were to go back to school and play ball, he would be an offensive lineman responsible for protecting Nick Auby, who will be the quarterback in the same age-group. Seems only fair, doesn't it.
So then there is the question of letting someone with epilepsy play football- I googled it- there are about a dozen pro players who have well controlled epilepsy- and tons more who play high school and college ball successfully.
We have had a month without a seizure- and he feels good - and he is sleeping well- and for right now, he has the potential to get a normal ( thought well medicated) life back. Makes sense that he would want one.
There is a passage in Jeremiah that I have thought of often during these days of uncertainty: I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a bountiful life and a future. Those words give me comfort - and in the -past couple of days as I am thinking about sending him back to school, I wonder if this was perhaps the plan all along. We shall see.
Last Saturday, while watching Notre Dame play he looked over at me and said " I really miss playing football".
and my heart fluttered a little bit.
and I thought about what it would be like to re-enroll him in high school
and what a royal pain all that was for me
but how very much he loved it.
And the answer just came out of my mouth: well, if you want to go back and play, we could make that happen.
Jake is in the midst of his growth spurt- at his last visit with the neurologist two weeks ago he was 6'3" and 260#. He is a massive human being - perfect size, though, for a lineman or any other Paul Bunyan sized job you might need done.
Back in June, he was in the pool and had a seizure as he was coming out of the pool. Our friends, Nick and Jim Auby happened to be at pool right as it happened. Jake, being a substantial person who was now dead weight, needed to be pushed and pulled out of the water. Thank God that Jim and Nick were there to help Brady and I get him out of the water.
The beauty of this possibility is that if Jake were to go back to school and play ball, he would be an offensive lineman responsible for protecting Nick Auby, who will be the quarterback in the same age-group. Seems only fair, doesn't it.
So then there is the question of letting someone with epilepsy play football- I googled it- there are about a dozen pro players who have well controlled epilepsy- and tons more who play high school and college ball successfully.
We have had a month without a seizure- and he feels good - and he is sleeping well- and for right now, he has the potential to get a normal ( thought well medicated) life back. Makes sense that he would want one.
There is a passage in Jeremiah that I have thought of often during these days of uncertainty: I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a bountiful life and a future. Those words give me comfort - and in the -past couple of days as I am thinking about sending him back to school, I wonder if this was perhaps the plan all along. We shall see.
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Loner's Leap
I used to call the little farm we had on our acreage Loner's Ridge, fashioned loosely after the Ridge in Diana Gabaldon's Outlander Series of books. That whole time seems like eons ago- no more husband, no more rushing to get to high school in the morning, no more little kids- they all tower over me now with Jake pushing 6'3". There is a season of peace- more time to sit around a bon fire and less time spent worrying about silly stuff. See the lounge chair in this picture? It came from the lake house in Buffalo, Indiana when my mom sold the house. My father made those chairs and they are more precious than gold
to me.
I like living here unfettered, though the lonliness creeps in and I miss having a special someone, it is nice to have things the way I want them most of the time. There is a freedom in having a couple of acres to walk through in the morning.
to me.I like living here unfettered, though the lonliness creeps in and I miss having a special someone, it is nice to have things the way I want them most of the time. There is a freedom in having a couple of acres to walk through in the morning.
Today was a perfect example- I got up with the dawn, made coffee, fed the dogs and then went out to the yard with my pruning shears. My privet bushes are over 6'tall now, so they needed a little trim. My cherry and nectarine trees are spreading out over the paths, so they needed a little trim as well. The fruit trees have been a pleasant surprise since moving to Georgia, they really grow well. I even took some peach pits from my canning adventure last year and planted those, to see what would happen. Not all of them took, but four of them did, and I have 4 lovely peach sapplings to show for it. So now we have: 1 Nectarine, 10 peach, 2 cherry, 4 pear, 3 apple, 2 plum, 3 fig, 2 pecan, and 2 persimmon trees. Thank God we have 3 acres. As I typed this I just realized that I am really making my dream of having a little orchard a reality. Huh, funny how those little things all add up. There are muscadine vines, elderberry bushes, blueberry bushes and blackberry canes all waiting for next year's harvest. The whole yard seems to be settling in for the winter, ready for rest, ready for the peace that is winter here, and awaiting the possibilities of spring. Seems like the garden has the right idea. We have renamed the house to Loner's Leap- as each day is a leap of faith- trusting in the Lord's provision. And He never disappoints us.
Friday, October 08, 2010
Just a moment of complete honesty and then back to our regular program.
My friend, YoJ did a post where you are able to say the absolute truth to someone without identifying who they are. I thought about it all afternoon, and my absolute truth is for three people- and it is nearly the exact same truth:
Do not waste your chances at having someone who loves you. You will never be thin enough or healthy enough or strong enough to be ready for love. It is a gift given to those who accept it when it alights in your life. There are those who miss it, and regret it later when they realize the treasure they had right in their hands.
I have done that once and have paid the price- it is invaluable to have someone who thinks you are the world- and it is exceptionally rare. Do not turn away a soul which is not in the package you anticipated. Be open to the miracle of love.
You are throwing away chances that do NOT come along every couple of days, and in so doing, mocking the love you so desperately desire. Stop playing games, ignoring calls and messages, stop bouncing between the idea that maybe you are better alone and that you are really lonely. Stop worrying about what other people say or if you can do better. Everybody needs somebody- that need doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.
And now for the second part, to this person, you know who you are, I need to say these things: just be true. If you want to see me, then please let me know that. I don't want to wait to spend time with you when you are stronger. It is not your former persona that I want to be with - I didn't know that guy at all - it is who you are right now- flaws and all that has my attention. One human to another. Pick up the phone and let me hear your voice.
Do not waste your chances at having someone who loves you. You will never be thin enough or healthy enough or strong enough to be ready for love. It is a gift given to those who accept it when it alights in your life. There are those who miss it, and regret it later when they realize the treasure they had right in their hands.
I have done that once and have paid the price- it is invaluable to have someone who thinks you are the world- and it is exceptionally rare. Do not turn away a soul which is not in the package you anticipated. Be open to the miracle of love.
You are throwing away chances that do NOT come along every couple of days, and in so doing, mocking the love you so desperately desire. Stop playing games, ignoring calls and messages, stop bouncing between the idea that maybe you are better alone and that you are really lonely. Stop worrying about what other people say or if you can do better. Everybody needs somebody- that need doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.
I can guarantee that there will be hard times - and times when one or both people wonder what in the heck they have gotten themselves into and then think about leaving. There will be heartaches and pain and overwhelming joy and peace all in the same day sometimes. But most important, there is the deep knowledge that if the opportunity passes, we will be missing out on an amazing blessing that isn't doled out every day- and the only people to blame will be ourselves.
And now for the second part, to this person, you know who you are, I need to say these things: just be true. If you want to see me, then please let me know that. I don't want to wait to spend time with you when you are stronger. It is not your former persona that I want to be with - I didn't know that guy at all - it is who you are right now- flaws and all that has my attention. One human to another. Pick up the phone and let me hear your voice.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
A little Duality
Many years ago, when I worked on the psych unit at Wishard Hospital in Indianapolis, Dawn, one of the nurses, was reading a book about Jungian Archetypes. I thought it was mostly baloney, but was interested because she was interesting. Women who run with the Wolves has really helped me understand who I am in relation to the rest of my world. It explained that things go in cycles: life death life, spring summer fall winter, full moon new moon half moon....you get the gist of this. This has helped me to cope a zillion times as I look at beginnings and endings- and even those flat places in the middle of something that used to feel passionate - as a normal part of the cycle. These places used to panic me - when something ended I would try SOOOO hard to make it stay, even though the wiser part of me knew it was over and as new things were coming along, I would resist them despite the inevitability of their path.
It also helps me to understand beginnings - especially when those are fiery and spark-laden and not at all what I expect. Those signs are not to be ignored or dismissed as just a carnal reaction. Sometimes our neuroses are calling out to another person's neuroses, surely, but sometimes that initial indication is a sign from the universe to pay attention. We are so inundated with things designed to catch our attention that I think we lose that art of paying attention and being where we actually are.
I think the most important aspect of being human is just that: being human. We are not just spiritual beings. Much as I would love to always be a being of light- just loaded down with kindness and love - and deny the other aspects of my person, it is just not the case. We are at the very least dual creatures: spirit and flesh. You cannot feed one and deny the other - they are like twins trapped in the same body and both must be cared for.
My spirit needs food- needs the nourishment of time with friends and good company, needs inspiration and a foundational understanding of a moral code - of how the world should work. My spirit needs meaningful work and time spent volunteering. For me, time spent reading about how Christians have integrated Christ's teaching into their lives is also great food- it helps me more clearly see the path before me.
But this cannot be done without caring for the body as well. Not just the basics like water and healthy food and safe housing, but those physical aspects which are equally important. So often people are embarrassed about how they physically respond to other people. I heard a wise man say that he was married, not dead, when he turned to look at a pretty girl walking by. It is a totally normal part of who we are as humans that we crave someone to love- someone to hold and someone to be with. We notice each other - it is just the way we are.
I was in the kitchen tonight when my son came up behind me and kissed my cheek- and I leaned over to kiss him back( he was standing behind me). It was not until after he spoke and I realized that it was in fact NOT my son, that I felt a little funny about it. Then there was the comment about how when I was younger I was "hot". I love that this was in the past tense. Thanks buddy. And in the next second, all I could do was reel because this comment was coming from a 20-year old kid - who may not view himself as a kid exactly anymore- and who, by chance, was the kid I had just kissed in my kitchen. Oh, yes, these things happen to me all the time. I am in mamma-mode trying to help someone and be kind and all of a sudden there is a subtle shift and things have changed. I'm not too quick on the uptake sometimes. This whole situation was innocent - and nothing more came of it - but it made me think about how a person who was starved for attention - I mean STARVED - could take this too far and put this young man in a very precarious situation. Lets be clear- I am not that hungry- and should I get that desperate, I will find a healthy outlet thank you very much.
What is so very ironic about this incident is that I am in fact becoming Aunt Meg- you remember Aunt Meg and her cows from the movie Twister- I've always wanted to be her - and maybe I really am becoming that which I seek. That would be SO COOL!
Now civility requires that we behave in a way that is appropriate- but being human does not mean that we totally deny the needs of the body for closeness and comfort. I heard Gary Smalley say once that he greatly appreciated the blessing of a healthy love life with his wife and felt that their ability to be together was a reflection of God's love for both of them. He speaks nationally about sleeping with his wife- I'd be willing to bet you that THEY had some sparks when they first met that made them a little nervous as well.
This was all just pressing on my heart today as I met this lovely couple today who met in their mid-forties and have now been married 27 years. I remarked how charming they were and they mentioned how they had both been married before and how blessed they were to find each other. It gave me hope that my season of waiting and being single won't last forever. Seriously, forever is a long time and with winter coming, I could use to be a little less single. It gets cold in Atlanta at night! This is just one of those flat places, where there are lessons to be learned in the interim- it is not the beginning anymore, that was over a year ago, and it is not the end, that hasn't come yet. I'll just keep breathing in and out and eating healthy and taking time to be with God and sleeping soundly on my very warm waterbed and taking care of my kids - and any other stray folks that happen to be around and when this time comes to an end and the next phase begins, I will already be a happy girl.
It also helps me to understand beginnings - especially when those are fiery and spark-laden and not at all what I expect. Those signs are not to be ignored or dismissed as just a carnal reaction. Sometimes our neuroses are calling out to another person's neuroses, surely, but sometimes that initial indication is a sign from the universe to pay attention. We are so inundated with things designed to catch our attention that I think we lose that art of paying attention and being where we actually are.
I think the most important aspect of being human is just that: being human. We are not just spiritual beings. Much as I would love to always be a being of light- just loaded down with kindness and love - and deny the other aspects of my person, it is just not the case. We are at the very least dual creatures: spirit and flesh. You cannot feed one and deny the other - they are like twins trapped in the same body and both must be cared for.
My spirit needs food- needs the nourishment of time with friends and good company, needs inspiration and a foundational understanding of a moral code - of how the world should work. My spirit needs meaningful work and time spent volunteering. For me, time spent reading about how Christians have integrated Christ's teaching into their lives is also great food- it helps me more clearly see the path before me.
But this cannot be done without caring for the body as well. Not just the basics like water and healthy food and safe housing, but those physical aspects which are equally important. So often people are embarrassed about how they physically respond to other people. I heard a wise man say that he was married, not dead, when he turned to look at a pretty girl walking by. It is a totally normal part of who we are as humans that we crave someone to love- someone to hold and someone to be with. We notice each other - it is just the way we are.
I was in the kitchen tonight when my son came up behind me and kissed my cheek- and I leaned over to kiss him back( he was standing behind me). It was not until after he spoke and I realized that it was in fact NOT my son, that I felt a little funny about it. Then there was the comment about how when I was younger I was "hot". I love that this was in the past tense. Thanks buddy. And in the next second, all I could do was reel because this comment was coming from a 20-year old kid - who may not view himself as a kid exactly anymore- and who, by chance, was the kid I had just kissed in my kitchen. Oh, yes, these things happen to me all the time. I am in mamma-mode trying to help someone and be kind and all of a sudden there is a subtle shift and things have changed. I'm not too quick on the uptake sometimes. This whole situation was innocent - and nothing more came of it - but it made me think about how a person who was starved for attention - I mean STARVED - could take this too far and put this young man in a very precarious situation. Lets be clear- I am not that hungry- and should I get that desperate, I will find a healthy outlet thank you very much.
What is so very ironic about this incident is that I am in fact becoming Aunt Meg- you remember Aunt Meg and her cows from the movie Twister- I've always wanted to be her - and maybe I really am becoming that which I seek. That would be SO COOL!
Now civility requires that we behave in a way that is appropriate- but being human does not mean that we totally deny the needs of the body for closeness and comfort. I heard Gary Smalley say once that he greatly appreciated the blessing of a healthy love life with his wife and felt that their ability to be together was a reflection of God's love for both of them. He speaks nationally about sleeping with his wife- I'd be willing to bet you that THEY had some sparks when they first met that made them a little nervous as well.
This was all just pressing on my heart today as I met this lovely couple today who met in their mid-forties and have now been married 27 years. I remarked how charming they were and they mentioned how they had both been married before and how blessed they were to find each other. It gave me hope that my season of waiting and being single won't last forever. Seriously, forever is a long time and with winter coming, I could use to be a little less single. It gets cold in Atlanta at night! This is just one of those flat places, where there are lessons to be learned in the interim- it is not the beginning anymore, that was over a year ago, and it is not the end, that hasn't come yet. I'll just keep breathing in and out and eating healthy and taking time to be with God and sleeping soundly on my very warm waterbed and taking care of my kids - and any other stray folks that happen to be around and when this time comes to an end and the next phase begins, I will already be a happy girl.
A leak by any other name...
I have a slow leak in my back tire which has necessitated twice a week trips to the air pump at the gas station.
Now this is not ground breaking news- but I will say that you can nurse a tire for a LONG time until you actually have to replace it. Good to know.
While we were at QT the other night there was a dad with his daughter and her new bike filling up the tires.
Jake and I decided to go in - as we always do- for a drink.
Now for those of you who do not have a QT, let me say that it is a beautiful array of drinks: frozen coffee, four varieties of regular coffee, milkshakes, slushes, smoothies, fountain drinks- and my favorite: fresh brewed iced tea. Best sweet tea I have ever had - and I will gladly give my last dollar for a refill on a 90 degree day. To be honest, I split it, half sweet and half unsweetened because I am still a transplant and I full sweet tea is a little sweeter than I can handle. The place is always clean - bathrooms, parking lot, floors - just a refreshing change from normal gas stations. I put nearly 4,000 miles a MONTH on my car, so I spend a lot of time at gas stations- and finding one that is clean is a big deal.
Anyway, Jake and I get our drinks and we come back out to find that the dad is still filling up the tires. Seriously?
He fills, then checks, then fills some more, then checks, then fills, and POP!!! He pops the tire.
Everyone watching feels deflated- as does the tire obviously. It was so very sad.....all I could do was say I was so sorry.
So moral to the story- a little less gas may be better than too much gas.
Now this is not ground breaking news- but I will say that you can nurse a tire for a LONG time until you actually have to replace it. Good to know.
While we were at QT the other night there was a dad with his daughter and her new bike filling up the tires.
Jake and I decided to go in - as we always do- for a drink.
Now for those of you who do not have a QT, let me say that it is a beautiful array of drinks: frozen coffee, four varieties of regular coffee, milkshakes, slushes, smoothies, fountain drinks- and my favorite: fresh brewed iced tea. Best sweet tea I have ever had - and I will gladly give my last dollar for a refill on a 90 degree day. To be honest, I split it, half sweet and half unsweetened because I am still a transplant and I full sweet tea is a little sweeter than I can handle. The place is always clean - bathrooms, parking lot, floors - just a refreshing change from normal gas stations. I put nearly 4,000 miles a MONTH on my car, so I spend a lot of time at gas stations- and finding one that is clean is a big deal.
Anyway, Jake and I get our drinks and we come back out to find that the dad is still filling up the tires. Seriously?
He fills, then checks, then fills some more, then checks, then fills, and POP!!! He pops the tire.
Everyone watching feels deflated- as does the tire obviously. It was so very sad.....all I could do was say I was so sorry.
So moral to the story- a little less gas may be better than too much gas.
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Feeling very much more like Pack Mule than Princess these days
Some days, it is easier than others to be giving.
Today, I have worked my tail off - only to find that someone was unethical in their dealings and that I may have to disappoint a number of people and give bad news that has nothing to do with anything I have done- but will probably require I endure some fussing. Super excited about that prospect.
Sometimes work requires tasks that I absolutely wouldn't do unless someone paid me - and this is one of those tasks. But I love my job and I love impacting people's ability to care for themselves well and get their lives back - so I will be ethical in my dealings and try to make it right.
I feel tired right now - like the bone tired that makes me want to climb into the covers of my waterbed and just crash out for days at a time. I hate sleeping alone- and in all honesty, if I didn't have this ongoing long-distance love affair with God going on, I would feel incredibly lonely. I find such great comfort in attributing the little things that go well - like a free cappuccino when I am out of money - or finding milk on sale - or the sunshine on my head as I drive through the mountains - to God. I like the idea that someone actually likes me the way that I am.
My burden feels heavier today - maybe because I need rest - or maybe because I am acutely aware of my age and continued single-status.
I've met several folks on eHarmony because I am just not into the bar scene, I've met several men at church- but each time there is something missing. That something seems to be a spark or an interest more intense than noticing gum on your shoe as you are walking. I have turned this over - but I am impatient- even though love requires it of me. I am anxious and wonder if I have vested my attention in vain - even though love requires me to think well of others.
I don't know much, but I do know this:
If you have been blessed enough to find someone who is imperfect and who loves you back, you have found a great treasure and you should treat it as such. It is a gift and should not be taken for granted.
So to answer the question before it is asked: there is not a specific someone- but there is the spectre of someone who will be here eventually and I would love that to be sooner rather than later. I could seriously use one evening to just be a girl and lay my head on his shoulder and let the world spin without my assistance.
Today, I have worked my tail off - only to find that someone was unethical in their dealings and that I may have to disappoint a number of people and give bad news that has nothing to do with anything I have done- but will probably require I endure some fussing. Super excited about that prospect.
Sometimes work requires tasks that I absolutely wouldn't do unless someone paid me - and this is one of those tasks. But I love my job and I love impacting people's ability to care for themselves well and get their lives back - so I will be ethical in my dealings and try to make it right.
My daughter is struggling. Unfortunately she has followed down some of the negative paths I have and as a result she is hurting. I had hoped that my struggles would be enough to help her choose more wisely, and instead, it seems they have been an excuse for her to make many of the same mistakes. Why is it that we hurt the ones we love the most - and why can't we learn from other people's mistakes? This is so frustrating! There is hope on the horizon for her, and I know that in the long run she will be fine, but it is so hard to watch her struggle unnecessarily.
It seems like things just go from one crisis to another - thing after thing- day after day - and that there are a lot of days strung together where I am putting out fires. I wonder if my life is indeed a lesson to others. Maybe I will write a book about it - for posterity- for apology- for some reason as yet undefined. I listen to other people talk about things in their lives - and seriously, I don't hear about folks having 5 crises at once!!!
I feel tired right now - like the bone tired that makes me want to climb into the covers of my waterbed and just crash out for days at a time. I hate sleeping alone- and in all honesty, if I didn't have this ongoing long-distance love affair with God going on, I would feel incredibly lonely. I find such great comfort in attributing the little things that go well - like a free cappuccino when I am out of money - or finding milk on sale - or the sunshine on my head as I drive through the mountains - to God. I like the idea that someone actually likes me the way that I am.
My burden feels heavier today - maybe because I need rest - or maybe because I am acutely aware of my age and continued single-status.
I've met several folks on eHarmony because I am just not into the bar scene, I've met several men at church- but each time there is something missing. That something seems to be a spark or an interest more intense than noticing gum on your shoe as you are walking. I have turned this over - but I am impatient- even though love requires it of me. I am anxious and wonder if I have vested my attention in vain - even though love requires me to think well of others.
I don't know much, but I do know this:
If you have been blessed enough to find someone who is imperfect and who loves you back, you have found a great treasure and you should treat it as such. It is a gift and should not be taken for granted.
So to answer the question before it is asked: there is not a specific someone- but there is the spectre of someone who will be here eventually and I would love that to be sooner rather than later. I could seriously use one evening to just be a girl and lay my head on his shoulder and let the world spin without my assistance.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)