ePiC FaiLUrE

When my dad was dealing with Lymphoma, he started doing a lot of reading about possible medical, holistic, and dietary influences on the progression of cancers. We have always been proponents of good nutrition and supplementation. About that same time, I had read about Suzanne Somers and her remarkable ordeal with breast cancer - where she allowed the surgery to remove the tumor, but refused to have the subsequent chemotherapy. She used appropriate nutrition, supplementation and bioidentical hormone replacement therapy to make her body healthy.

I have always love her work, so when I found out that she had several books with deal with hormone replacement and aging, I bought them and read through them hungrily . While I am not a proud woman, and I am not afraid to grow older, I need to stay healthy because there are people who depend on me.


So over the years I have seen a couple of good holistic practitioners who have started me on a variety of meds based on my vitamin deficiencies: Tumeric, Vitamin D, Omega 3, CoQ10, Selenium and a multivitamin for good measure. I also added progesterone after my hysterectomy to assure that my hormones were in line- because before that they were not. I think they are working out well because I am rarely sick and I feel really good most all of the time - even if I don't get enough sleep.

I switched compounding pharmacies and in the confusion of calling my prescriptions in, the hormones got switched. About 5 weeks ago, when I met a man who I actually liked AND respected - I started taking estrogen twice a day. So by the third day on this regimen, I have roughly the hormones of a woman in her 7th month of pregnancy. Super. Emotional, crying for no reason, taking everything personally, having trouble sleeping and concentrating. I can totally see it now - of course, hindsight is 20/20.

I was talking with my friend, Mary, on Friday, and she pointed out that I was more emotional than usual- I called the pharmacy and asked about the Rx as it is the only thing I take by prescription. I had missed my Friday night and Saturday doses already- so when I got the message on Sunday morning that it had been just estrogen - I was....well I was upset.

It is very possible that I was at my worst-possible emotional state for the past month- the exact time when I needed to be strong for my family and take care of Jake and when I had the potential to get to know someone who had all the qualities I was looking for.

I read back through my notes to him -and I sounded like an ass - like a 12-year old who was mad about not getting her way and not getting enough attention. Not my best-self at all.

So I sent him a note and apologized - said I had been an ass - and hoped that he would forgive me. I don't know if he will - or if I will ever hear from him again.

That is something I will regret - or maybe think of wistfully as it certainly wasn't an error I made on purpose or with the intention of destructing things.

But I did learn an important lesson - that if something feels off, I should trust my instincts and not just blame the circumstances. I thought all the emotional blathering was a result of worrying about my son - but even though I am not thrilled about the outcome, I knew the entire time that God would watch over us - and He did. That was a poor explanation for my weird emotional state. I need to look deeper and more objectively if I doubt myself again. The lesson I learned is that I need to trust where I have been - and I need to trust myself.

This morning's readings were the story of the Prodigal Son - a do over, so to speak. I resolved in my heart that I am going to stop worrying about being alone - while still praying for my future partner and his well-being - because He is watching over me and He can make things work out in this next do-over even if I can't.