Backhoe and Lime 6 years later

September 17th is Loner Exodus Day.

I still have nightmares at times about the severity of the situation. They aren't as vivid anymore, and I feel somehow detached - but the faces and the emotions are still very much there. I cannot understand how someone I loved, completely lost his mind, hit Josh, hit me and then started sleeping openly with one of my friends, couldn't wait to divorce me, and then planned to shoot us one by one and bury us with a new water treatment system that he was going to install so that no one else could have us. (I still don't know if that was because he thought there was another man in my life or not, I haven't called to ask him)

The water pipes and bags of lime were there, stacked in a big pile by the treeline - and the backhoe had been rented. And the gun- well I know that his father's rifle was just inside the attic door and was easily accessible. I'd seen it before.

We have survived 6 years after the threat. Babies born that summer are in first grade now- that is a LOT of time.

Can you even believe it? Every day, women in the United States die as a result of domestic violence- killed by someone they think they love. Amazing, tragic, and insane.

And for some unknown reason, we were spared.

I can scarcely verbalize my deep thanks that in the moment where my human intuition failed me, I looked to the Heavens and He heard me. Not only did I have the inkling, but I had 2 phone calls which told me to go. Right judgement and wisdom compliments of the Holy Spirit because the Stacey spirit sure as heck didn't know what to do.

I was able to protect my children- first by having them brought to the Principal's office and then having them picked up by my parents - and later transported to Georgia with me. All of this completely by divine providence, because when I read my posts from the days before, I am still wavering about whether he was dangerous. I am still unable to believe that this horror is actually a reality. And sometimes when I look back, it is as though it was someone else who lived through this, and I am just retelling the story.

We had the support of amazing friends, the Indianos, and my parents who showed up to help pack our whole house in less than 48 hours - then showed up again as we moved our things from storage to the house we have now. I remember that it was like Christmas when we saw our things again after 6 months.

Georgia has indeed been an adventure. I still recall that it took 6 months before we stopped having regular nightmares about him trying to kill us- and in part, I think that ongoing trauma and fear in my mind was part of the demise of my relationship with Justin, but that is another posts all together. Despite a LOT of counseling, it is so hard for me to trust someone after that trust is broken. It is something I am working on, but I am not there yet.

In the story of our exodus, Justin is the hero. He unselfishly took us in- three kids and 2 dogs and 30 days of wages to my name. He just said "yes" when the time came and for that I will forever hold a special place in my heart for him.

I think that he is also the reason why my heart is still open to loving someone - why there isn't a fear of another person - because during this time where bitterness tried to plant seeds in my heart, he helped me be open to love - even if it didn't turn out like we planned. He kept reassuring me that I was in fact entitled to have someone love me back. I think we belong to the mutual admiration society - because there are aspects of each of us which have changed forever as a result of our time together. And leaving an indelible mark is admirable.

In six years, there has been a lot of loss- I really miss living in Indiana with all of my family.

Since the day we moved we have lost my Dad, the lake house, another marriage, and a couple of dogs. There are times where I have felt everything was restored to us - and others where I feel like our life was stolen from us. Either way, we are still here and not "eating worms" as Josh says- so it is a pretty good day!

But I have to believe there is a reason why I survived this - why the kids had to live through domestic abuse when all they really wanted was a family complete with a Godly father - why we survived in spite of the odds that we should not.

So I stand, today, on the precipice- going into a retreat weekend which is focused on the Holy Spirit's influence on our lives - and I hope that as a result of this weekend, I'll be able to determine where exactly the Good Lord wants me to spend my energy - and how this experience can help others hope and trust in Him.

He is the reason I am still here - that Josh is writing music, that Jerra is learning about love, that Jake's attitude is an inspiration to others. And it is for His Glory that I will remember this day, every year as long as I live as a testimony to His Love.