Tears

I will never forget Jim Davis hugging me in the morning.

Now before you get the wrong idea, Jim was happily married to a very beautiful woman.
When we first started working together, I knew Jim was a hugger. Nothing wrong with that- unless you are a person who has attempted to close off every bit of physical affection for anyone other than your kids - which I had done.

After Jake's dad left - making him one more in the great succession of men who left - I started to become jaded. I thought love was crap- a sham- a possibility for everyone but me because of some great cosmic bad joke. So I closed myself off. I was interested in men who either were totally not interested in me- or were totally bad for me. Nice. I found Jim and all his happiness and hugging annoying at first, and charming before I left - but it was the only physical contact I allowed myself to have with a man for many years after that.

I did cry - out of happiness and sadness for other people, but I no longer cried for myself. While I was there, though, I learned to love PEOPLE again. Not the singular, but people as a creation of God - people as a whole. And I cried for their pains.

Over the past ten years, the tears have come more and more freely and I haven't thought too much about it- older women get hormone shifts that make us more likely to cry- but I notice that not only are the tears more evident, but that I am genuinely sad about someone else's pain. I keep thinking about it long after I hear about it.

Which leads me to my story.
Two weeks ago we went on retreat with the teenagers. I have very mixed feelings about this - but I said I was all in, and I am, so I went. Dave Loner's daughter does not do things Half-Assed.

It was during one of the talks that it hit me - I profound need to pray to the Holy Spirit to give the speaker strength -to help her keep it together during a particularly emotional part. I got goosebumps and then: the tears started. I wasn't particularly sad, I was moved with sympathy, but not upset. But they just kept flowing.

Then during Adoration where we sat in the very presence of God ( akin to sitting next to the Ark of the Covenant) I was thinking about all the teenagers there - and I started to pray for them and for their families. And the stream started slowly - and moved into almost 45 minutes solid of praying and crying. Not like sobbing or even a loud cry, but those silent tears that bear witness to the depth of the emotion that overcomes you. I was a little embarrassed and tried a couple of times to dry them up - but they just kept coming.

Saturday we were at training for LifeTeen and we took an opportunity, again inviting the Holy Spirit, to pray specifically for our program and for each other. The tears started all over again.
Pam said that it was a gift of the Holy Spirit, like speaking in tongues. I guess I had never heard of that, or thought that something like that could happen to me. Apparently, it has nothing to do with your worthiness or your holiness - which then makes perfect sense!

As I read up on this, however, I see that it is a precursor to a period of great transition. Well, that could be good....or it could be not so good. Either way, I am looking forward to seeing what happens and I'll be sure to bring you along for the ride!