What Just Happened?

Took the kids to Atlanta this weekend. It was one thing that I was in love with him - quite another that all three kids had such a great time that they didn't want to leave. From the moment we pulled into the parking lot - following him to the hotel, the kids were entranced. Each of the kids sees a part of themselves in him. He held the doors, carried my bags, brought cokes for the kids, called to check our progress on the road, led me around town with at least one kid in the Jeep, held my hand when no one was looking, tolerated splashing boys in the pool, let me spend time with Chris, Mel and Matthew again, and played with the kids, and even left to go home at 2 in the morning, so that the kids wouldn't be freaked out by him being there when they woke up. Over and over again he was kind to me - and kind to them, melting all of those barriers we have built up over the years.

A part of me is concerned that I may have made a mistake - what if he changes his mind - or decides there is no way to bridge the distance between where our lives are - what if the implied promises are not clear or we are not making the same ones - what if he never falls in love with me and this intense "thing" is all the more there ever is? That part of me is concerned, I don't want to do anything to hurt the kids ever again - and they really loved being with him - talked about it for about six hours in the car, laughing at things that were said, talking about how great it was being with him, and talking about the places we went. The most odd part of the discussion on the way home is how it seems so comfortable being with him - even though there are dozens of reasons why we shouldn't be ready, why we shouldn't be comfortable. It is too soon -he is too young - he is too far away - we all got hurt so badly last time - he isn't Catholic - he isn't even sure if he is in love with me - or if he will ever be. And none of that matters.

From that list, the conversation switched to how many things the kids want to do with him when he comes to see us. They had enough places to show him that it would take a year. There are assumptions being made about where this could go - of course there are- they want him to be around all the time. The two of us haven't even talked about any of that - seems like it is too soon - but who decides what is too soon and what is waiting too long? I had two votes to move - in spite of the humidity and the heat in Atlanta. I cannot remember a weekend that was more fun - though the wedding weekend in Albq was pretty great. There were no complaints about the drive - which was nine and a half hours - something that usually garners at least a little whining.

While I am happy from the wonderful weekend we had together, my heart is heavy with the realization that we are not going to get too many weekends all together - especially with the 600-mile distance. It was like having my family all together for the first time ever and having to leave someone behind -- it was just wrong. This morning there is the pervasive feeling that something is just not right - that someone is missing.

My mind just keeps repeating - what just happened? How did I get here - well I already know about the divine intervention part - God has been really busy healing up the wounds my kids have suffered. But is it possible that I finally found the person I have been waiting for - and what in the world was he doing in Atlanta - I didn't look there - geez, I wasn't looking at all. And what am I supposed to do about the fact that he is 600 miles away? I can't be in the same room without being able to touch him - being several states away is killing me. Never needed anyone like this. And today I am sad, and happy, and anxious and a little sleepy from the long drive. Reminds me of something he said - I wish I could just wake up like the character in Family Man, with my life already in progress and him there beside me.