First I want to vent a little bit. If a man goes to war and he is engaged in both peacetime work and ugly battles, he is considered a seasoned veteran. If he has been in a battle and lost, does he bear the entire responsibility – or are there other factors that play in over which he has no control? No sane person would blame the loss of a battle on one man, it takes a series of events for a battle or a war to be lost. Relationships are a similar circumstance, it seems to me. There are choices to be made, tasks to be delegated, people with important responsibilities, new territory to navigate, enemies, land mines, ambassadors, politics and plenty of people with opinions. This begs the question – is a person who has never been married better able to discern what a healthy relationship looks like – what about if they were married once, twice or three times? How many times a person has tried and failed is not nearly as important as whether there were lessons learned and skills sharpened. There are choices to be made – do you pick yourself up and learn from it – or do you stay in the same patterns? I have failed at three marriages – and each time I should never have been there in the first place, and I sold myself short – settling in some way for the bird in hand. I have friends and family who have encouraged me to trivialize what I have found by dating around. Newsflash - I have been dating since I was thirteen - it hasn't been working for me so far!!!
Here are the things I know:
1. Getting married because you are pregnant is not a good idea
2. Getting married because people expect you to is also bad
3. Staying away from relationships all together for 8 years is not a good idea
4. Thinking the opposite sex is the enemy, a source of entertainment, or a retirement program is wrong – never thought this, but I have girlfriends who do
5. Choosing a relationship because your kids need a dad – also wrong
6. Finding and losing someone you really love is incredibly painful and time won't make those feelings go away.
7. Time will tell a lot about a person’s character – so will a soggy camping trip
8. Settling leads to heartbreak and / or divorce
9. I cannot be in love enough for two people
10. I am secure about who and what I am, and I don’t have to agree with my friends
11. My friends and family love me and will always be overprotective because they do
12. I have to make up my own mind based on what I have learned and lived through
Geez – I knew a lot more than I thought I did.
I didn’t want to fall in love ever again. Had no intention – wasn’t looking. Actually, I had said I would not even entertain the idea. I didn’t pick him, Jacob did, grabbing him by the hand and walking into the stadium. When I sat by Justin that night, I thought he was someone else (had my stories confused with another of Steph’s friends). I didn’t mean to like him – then I couldn’t stop liking him. Even after I started talking to him on the phone, I kept trying to figure out where to put him, how to ignore the chemistry and keep him as a friend – what to do about the growing feeling like we were connected and drawn to each other – in spite of ourselves. I have said all along that it is probably funny to watch from the outside – two people who love each other but are fairly pissed about becoming so vulnerable so fast.
He spent the weekend at my house. It was the first time ever my home felt complete – first time I felt joy at having a man there, as opposed to the gnawing feeling in my gut like things will not be good enough. He said he loved me – and not like "I love cherry chocolate chip ice cream", like I love you for real. This is a big step for us both. I never have had so much trouble saying the words, but then again, I cannot remember when I meant it as completely as I do now.
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