Musings on Monday

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Sorry, Sweetheart, I just couldn't resist!!!


Another Day Apart

There comes a morning, a dawning realiziation, that all of a sudden every song on the radio is about the two of you. Songs about longing and being apart bring me close to tears; I can feel that pain because it is so close to my own. The times that I wake up wondering where he is have become less frequent - and though it was romantic - it was torturous to have that waking moment where I felt the pillows wondering why his ribs were so soft, only to come out of sleep and discover it was not him at all. There are times that I want the pain of separation to stop, but I am not willing to lose him, only willing to whine about it. I have moments where I want to talk to him about some little thing the kids have done or the puppies or whatever, and I am struck with the reality that he is not here. Impulsivity problem - thank God for unlimited nights and weekends! When Jake and I ran out for ice cream last week, Jake wanted to call and ask if we should swing by and pick him up. It took a second for the reality to sink in that it was not possible - hard to do that from here.

I will not apologize that I think in big terms. I do not spend my time and emotions on people and relationships for fun or entertainment. Single mothers worth their salt don't have that kind of luxury. If I didn’t think there was potential for the two of us, I wouldn’t insult either of us by pretending I did. There isn’t a point to having a long term relationship with a man you are in love with if you cannot ever see committing to him. I don't have any idea how that will play out, especially since there are jobs and houses and college and schools which all seem to be in the way at the moment. Not committing to anything would trivialize the miracle of finding someone you are compatible with who actually likes you back. The realization that suddenly all of your plans for the future include someone else can feel overwhelming. I don't even know where to start - back to the whole idea of where do we think we will live - where should Jerra look for colleges - do we stay here - do we go there - do we pick a new spot??? Lots of questions remain unanswered - and unasked. And yet, I would like nothing more than to make promises and gift to him a future of a family who loves him.

Hard to know when the time is right – don’t want to rush either of us – and getting used to having someone else standing beside you (and checking up on you when you are driving home late) takes time. I should by all accounts be scared out of my mind – even the thought of promising anything or opening myself up after last time seems incredible. But there is this quiet reassurance that this is different. That this is real and true …everything that is good in the world is contained in the moments that we are all together, here, at the lake, at the hotel, at the Yellow River Game Ranch. Doesn’t matter where. It is as though I have been at the frontline standing alone against enemy forces and all of a sudden I have reinforcements - leagues of reinforcement. I have been able to call on my girlfriends for moral support - but this is different. I feel stronger, braver and more assured than I have in ages. I feel like myself again –strengthened because there are two of us now. Tackling the daily dramas of raising three kids, five dogs, nineteen ducks, six fish, and two frogs doesn’t seem so difficult when I know that I have a secret stash – the love of someone who seems to understand; the blessing of someone who will say: hey, wait, listen to me, until my soul is calmed down and my head is cleared; the miracle of a kiss that soothes my doubts like a hot toddy on a winter day. I can only pray that I am a blessing to him in return - I would like nothing more than to know I make his life better by helping to carry his burdens.

So I will make it through another day apart, telling myself that we are preparing our lives, preparing our hearts, checking and cross-checking to assure that what we see is accurate, dreaming of a day when we can wake up together and no longer spend the days apart.