Building Blocks

Over the last six months, I have watched my life change dramatically. The dream I had has vaporized, my big plans for an organic farm, working from home and playing with the kids all summer, taking the eggs and vegetables to the farmer's market - all vanished as though they never existed. It was like someone came through and knocked my Lego castle all over the floor - and now I can't find the directions so I have to start over from scratch.
Yesterday I was listening to a preacher from Atlanta, of all places. He was talking about how God blesses people who are willing to believe that He is the purveyor of miracles. He restores dreams and when He restores, He doesn't play around. For people who have lost opportunity, God will provide another, better opportunity if we have faith. For those who have missed out on riches, another chance to earn the money and be proud of earning it may come along. He described how his wife couldn't bear children and said that if she had been closed off and didn't have faith that God would restore her dream, they might have missed out on adopting their kids. Then he talked about people who hang on - even though a marriage is over - to the hope of restoration. When the moment comes that it is time to release it to God, we open ourselves to a new dream.
That really hit home. Things are in a state of flux - with big decisions about how to divide up the land and houses and what to do about my folks place - rent or sell. How much money do I ask for, do I buy another place or just find somewhere to rent? And then there is the question of work. I don't want to plan another move but all of a sudden I have gotten a couple of leads on jobs that could mean a $20,000 raise. That extra money couldn't hurt with a daughter in college. One of these would bring me closer to a person I want to spend more time with - the other further. Either way, it would mean a move to new surroundings for the kids and I don't think they are ready. And what if the decision is made that staying here is better for the kids - right now I think so - but it seems that they are so much happier when he is around. And there is the question of what we are building now. The statement has been made that there has not been enough time, but I am not sure I want to trivialize things by ignoring the signs I so plainly see. I want to rebuild my life, alone or in concert, with the kids and my farm, so I have some tough choices to make.
The whole thing begs some very difficult and cagey questions - what am I building, what do I want my life to look like - is it anything like what he wants his to look like - am I building it alone ( I don't think so) and if not should we have conversations about the direction we are taking - risking exposure - or do we continue making choices separately without really talking to one another -risking misunderstanding, or worse, going in opposing directions. Building requires a commitment to build - nothing more - but a willingness to step up to the plate and be honest and allow for input. Constrictive criticism and a clear vision of what you are building is important. This is touchy territory for me and I am struggling - but building requires some sweat equity and I am willing. I am not sure what kind of commitment I will be able to give, my wounds are still pretty fresh - but I know I can commit to the desire to be together as long as he is willing - to be together in the same zip code as often as we can manage it. To be open to hope. I want to lay the foundation for something wonderful, to believe that God will restore my dreams in a way so beautiful, I wouldn't have dared dream it could be true. Time will tell how it all turns out, but in the meantime, I want to come up with a blueprint and start rebuilding my nest. Decisions need to be made by morning, and the prayers for guidance start now.