I didn't sleep well last night. I kept waking up, wondering what was going through your head. As usual, teh times that you woke up, I did too. Perfect. The whole day was difficult and the weight of the world was resting on my shoulders - and you fell asleep. It is a good thing I had promised not to be angry when your body gives out at in inopportune moment. So now I have spent the whole night trying to sort things out in my head.
What is all the fuss about the semantics? Is there a huge difference between loving someone and being in love? Isn't that what we want - someone who knows you - your faults as well as your aptitudes - and loves you anyway? Define the difference. When I told someone I loved you, they said there had not been enough time and that maybe I was just in love - stupid semantics. The whole idea doesn't describe it sufficiently anyway. I felt the electricity the first time I talked to you - so did the people around us - poor Magnolia about got burned by the sparks. I know that doesn't happen often - or ever for some people.
People who have been married for years may still have doubts about whether or not they are in love, feelings change, emotions change, people have bad days. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice. A choice to be there even when it is not pretty - sorting out the bones. No one walks into a new relationship with the same kind of love people have after ten years, that takes time, and we don't have that under our belts. I know I have felt the difference between loving someone like a dear friend and feeling like I am not alone anymore, that is the line for me - maybe it is sympatico to borrow Chris's term, the feeling that I have found someone like me whom I understand, and who gives me the feeling that I am not alone anymore, that there are two of us.
It is not difficult to remind me that I am seeing someone - and I have respected that, of course I did, I don't want anyone else. But the implicit bargain is that refusing other lovers means someone has paid the bond by risking his heart. Why is it that saying I love you is SO difficult. I tell my friends that I love them all the time - same with my kids and my folks. I wonder if I died tomorrow if I would regret not saying it for eternity – well, yea, I would. Funny thing about that, it seems this time it is so difficult because it crosses the line - as long as I don't say it, I can pretend. I have moments where I want to say that I am in this too - what if I need to see you, what if I need some reassurance - or a day away. I am not a hedonist, I am a mother, and therefore rarely does my life revolve around what I need. If I get to the point that I actually ask for something, the need is pretty great and has probably existed for quite a while.
Want to talk about yelling into the wind? Why do I have to pay the price for things other women have done? Tired of it. I would like to only be punished for things I did myself. If you polled everyone I have ever dated, you would be hard pressed to find more than one or two people who said I had done something hurtful - and even then it was not on purpose. When we get hurt we have two choices, retreat and make everyone else pay for the sins of others, therefore risking the loss of something pure and real---or FORGIVE the poor soul who didn't have enough sense to see the treasure in your heart and move on with your life, accepting that eventually someone will find you and love you more than you cold have imagined. I refuse to make you pay for things someone else has done - occasionally I slip and say something about the Ogre, but it is accidental. Do I have plenty of reason to be scared - you don't know if you will be able to fall in love with me - yea - but I can only be responsible for how I feel - and I refuse to let fear ruin this. And in my next breath I promise -like I have before- that I will not hurt you.
I have lived my life, at least the last ten years, in a conscious effort to assure that the people I love, know I care about them. My language is showing up - thus the multitude of road trips we take. (This year alone I have been to Arizona, Florida, New Mexico, West Virginia, Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, and Illinois) A person knows you care about them when you SHOW UP in the first place. Sometimes life gets in the way and we can not get to all the events we would like to - but there are times when we need to show up. Sometimes showing up is the only way to express what your heart really means, you are precious enough for me to invest my time and energy to see you. And a wondrous thing happens when you show up - you go to the well. Your soul is filled and your cup overflows. You have a chance to be with the very people who have made you who you are - refreshing the soul, bolstering the spirit, clearing the mind.
So, pick your term, it doesn't matter to me anymore. Protecting my heart is just trying to fool myself anyway, and I don't live like that. Not going to start now. This is not to oblige you into saying you love me, don't want to hear it until you mean it - I have to be able to trust that it is true - especially because I know someone else you said it to. I don't want to talk you into this, it doesn't count if you have to be talked into it. What I want is to be very clear about how I feel and give you a little more food for thought.
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