I Used to Be That Girl

I sorted through pictures
Intending to put my life
In order before you
To allow you to see the
Brilliant blue of Jacob’s eyes
The charming curls in Joshua’s hair
And the disarming smile
Jerra has had since her first days

As I sorted, I realized how much
I have changed over this time.
I saw pictures at 18, when my body
Was young, and my waist was small
But my instinct was weak
And I allowed myself to be manipulated
Basing what I felt on the opinions of others

Looking back now, I see the dress size
And I know that outer beauty did not bring
Me the happiness I needed
Having men watch me walk, undressing me
Never knowing if it was the figure
Or the person that kept them coming back
And not knowing just fed the demons
Hungry for more destruction

When I had Jerra, I realized there was a reason
That my hands are big, and my hips are broad
Able to work long hours caring
For a house and a baby and a garden
Able to balance her little body on my hip
While cleaning up and cooking dinner
Reaching the top shelves alone
When there was no one else to help me

I moved, and moved again
Lost a job, lost a husband and still
There was a little soul to care for
My body was able to subsist on very little
Saving the money to keep her fed
And dressed and in daycare so I could
Build a better life for her- living on peanut butter

Then Joshua came, and my hips grew broader
My body was tired and now there were two
But strength of bone comes in handy
Balancing two babies who need comfort
And my lap was sufficient to read to both
As Joshua nestled his ringlets
Into my chubby arms, saying he loved them.

Jacob’s coming wracked my body
The stretch marks on my belly bearing
Eternal testament to his ten and a half pound body
The skin is pearly now, but I see the marks
Fondly and remember his blue eyes and dark hair
Shoulders the size of Montana,
On the day he came quietly, trying to breathe

Do I miss the figure of the girl in those pictures?
Only when I think I would like to be
That shape for my love, a comely girl again
But then my heart would be lacking -
I would have missed out on nursing babies
Late into the night, watching the little mouth
Go slack with satiety and sleep

And I know I would not be the same soul
Without the trauma to my body that
Comes only with nourishing another life
Loving another person so much that
You give your own body, your sleep, your time
Your food, your money, and all your energy
My body is not as I’d like, but it is well with my soul

If I had been a small woman, how much
More difficult the task of parenting alone?
My muscles have enabled me to move, lift
To put in the piers every summer
And till the garden under every fall
To carry 50 pounds of dog food
Or a sleepy 90 pound child

I used to be that girl, and inside
Somewhere is the same beauty I see in
The pictures.  But now I look at my kids and
See it, instead of gazing at myself
For what is a better reflection of the
Mother than the charm and beauty of herChildren, gathered up in her arms.