Amazed

Do you ever wake up in the morning and just feel all refreshed like there was some delicious dream that has changed your life? I had the revelation during last night's conversation that things have changed and my perception has shifted. I was amazed out of a foggy sleepiness with the idea that all along things have been the same for both of us - all those moments that I reach for you before I wake up, you have been having too. I was ruling out chemistry, lonliness, diversion, sexual attraction, boredom, and a host of other possible reasons why I cannot stop thinking about you - seriously cannot stop thinking about you, I get about an hour's work done, and there you are again. It is you I miss - not the rush of hormones - though I will not deny that I enjoy that - it is the small intimacies during the day- waking up in the morning, getting out of the shower, sitting down at dinner, talking about work - when I wish you were here. A part of me wants to put everything in my life on hold until you can get here so that you don't miss it.

Over the weekend I told you I am not afraid - I will not live my life in fear - and what have I to fear from you - that you will change your mind? That you won't want to deal with some aspect of my life? That it will be too difficult to be apart or together? I was serious when I said I was not foolish enough to lose you without a fight. Even if the day comes that you decide this is not what you want, I will be forever changed by the tenderness you have shown me - by your concern, by your gentle words when I really needed them. I am not going to worry about any of those things anymore, I am just going to enjoy the amazing entity we have found in one another. You asked me if I was willing to deal with you not knowing what you want - well why not - I am not sure what I want either - not sure where my path will go - but I know that when I think about my future - you are in it.

Every time I talk to you, I fall in love with you all over again. I strengthen my resolve to put up barriers, keep my heart safe, then you speak in the quiet soothing tone, like chocolate melting, the sweetness infusing the words. And that is it for me - the defenses tumble wildly and all I want is to touch you, to caress your face, and feel the intimacy of breathing again. I have not forgotten my other responsibilities, I like how I am with you and somehow you make me better at all the things I do - including being a mother.

Watch the end of French Kiss - I want you - that is all - I want you...